Here's my problem that I'm facing right now and I've been pretty ho humming about it all week because I can't seem to let it go for some reason. Usually within a few days of something happening, I can let it slide or I realize I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
First, on Saturday night when I was putting Tanner to bed, he had a toy in his hand and I took it away after I told him it was bed time. What he did...I honestly can't even believe he did this, but he punched....no, not even just a hit, but punched me right in the face! It's the first time that I have ever felt my initial response should be to hit him back but I DIDN'T! I looked him straight in the face and said "Tanner, that is not okay to hit. It's not nice and I don't like it." Then Matt went in and talked to him. Lately, he's been acting out a lot more and acting, and I hate to say it, but it's true, but a spoiled brat. I know he's spoiled more than I'd like him to be and I know that I contribute to that, but so do other people.
Anyways, so I was telling my Mom and older sister this and she (my older sister) said "Well, I guess you better stop spoiling him and change your parenting". I then said that it wasn't just Matt and I but her and Mom and everybody else and this is her response to that "well, we're not going to stop spoiling him because that's what Aunt's and Grandma's do"
WHAT!!!!!!!
I couldn't even believe it.
So Matt and I talked about rules and consequences and these are what we came up with.
1. No hitting-consequence is no special treats, no play dates, no special outings, no extra movies for 1 week.
He can watch his normal up to 2 movies a day but we won't rent a movie or get a movie from the Library as something special.
2. No yelling- consequence is going to room until he's ready to talk nicely. We decided that this is a natural consequence to be removed from where he can yell at people. I've actually told him that if he's going to yell, he can go in his room at yell at his animals and toys if he's frustrated but it's not okay to yell at other people.
3. listening- The consequence for not listening is no movies for 1-2 days. Depending on the severity of not listening will determine how long he goes without movies. For example; if he ran out on the road after we warned him 2 times not to, that would be a 2 day non movie consequence. This one is a bit tricky because if he didn't listen when asked to pick up his toys, the natural thing we'd do is take his toys away. Or if he didn't eat his supper, then he doesn't eat. Or if he doesn't put on his p.j.s, then he'll be cold in the night, etc. We just find that if he's not doing something that we are trying to teach him, if we warn him that we'll take away his movies, he usually will be more willing.
So here's the problem, even though I know that Matt and I are ultimately the parents and we have talked about these rules for not just Tanner but all of us, do you think that the 1 week consequence is too severe for hitting?
When I told someone about this today they said that they thought that having stuff taken away is a little extreme for a 4 year old.
We just don't know what else to do. How do you teach someone not to hit when they continue to do it? And what's the "natural" consequence for hitting someone? I'm at a loss here because I've never even babysat a child that had a hitting problem.
And then the other thing is what if he hits in that week that he's lost privileges? Do you make it longer?
I really need some help because I'm so frustrated and feeling completely and utterly incapable of being a good parent and teaching him that these things are not okay.
Maybe there are other factors in my feelings of total inadequacy as a person in whole. Maybe because it's that time, or maybe because I had a really crappy time in Calgary (except when I was at Jamies), or maybe because I really am failing right now in life. Maybe because Matt told me last night that he really wants another baby, maybe because I feel like I can't catch my breath for a minute, maybe because I wish Matt could find a job that he actually would get hours for.
My Mom use to have these days every once in a blue moon that she called her "mad Bill days". She just got mad inside because my Dad is gone and wasn't there to help her co-parent and be the support that she needed. Well, I like to call my days "mad at life" days. And that's what I'm having is a mad life day...okay, it's a mad at life week.
I just wish the world could stop for just a minute for me to find my bearings again. I'm really worried about my sister going to Europe for 6 weeks with a friend. I don't know why, but it really worries me. I'm very concerned.
Okay, so this wasn't meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post. I just really need some suggestions on the hitting and consequence thing. That's all.
On a positive note, I DID get my running shoes today, which I am SOOOOO excited about. These are them:
**Don't forget, if you haven't already, to post a comment on the pay it forward post if you want to win something.
Until next time...
3 years ago
9 comments:
Oh Mandy, my heart goes out to you. We certainly as mothers and wives ALL go through days like that. Just know that we understand and empathize.
As for Tanner and the spoiling situation, you have every right as a mother to decide what is best for him. Don't let others change what feels right for him as a consequence. They are not the ones that live with Tanner and truly KNOW him. You are a wonderful mother for stopping and recognizing what he needs as consequences and for discussing them with Mat. Anyone else's opinions really do not matter. They will All have different opinions, especially if they feel inadequate as a parent and may not want to have to change some of their ways. Sometimes it can be an "envious" feeling of your parenting and so even as childlike as it is...someone will make a point of saying your parenting is not right, just to make themselves feel better.
Just do what you feel is right. Stick by your guns, cause we all know that following through on what we tell our kids, is the utmost important key. And then my advice would be to tell Tanner's extended family and friends that that is how it is going to be, so that everyone is on the same page and Tanner won't be confused or think he can get what he wants from those continuing to spoil him.
Well, that is my two cents worth. Been there and done that with a similar situation. So thought I would share. Mandy just know that you are doing great!
Oh Mandy, I can so sympathize with you on this one. I have a bunch of random thoughts, so bear with me. First that is awesome advice from Lynn, she is for sure a 'woman who knows'. Second, as for Tanner punching you, you did wonderful! That exact thing has happened to me (more than once) and it is so hard to stay calm when you are in total shock that your precious little angel would behave that way, and where on earth did they learn that and a million things are going on in your mind in that one second, so good job right off. I also think it is very important that Matt went in and talked to him, dads are such big examples for thier boys and it is a good lesson for Tanner to know that that is not a good thing for a man (boy) to do (hit). I also think you should remember that he is only four and is learning and growing and he will experiment with different behaviours and will do things as a result of real feelings and frustrations when he does'nt have control over his life. It is your job to help him learn the best ways to react to situations, (which in my opinion you did really well) I guess I think you should always remember he is just a child and act/react how you feel is best, after you are his parents and the ones who love him most in the world.
As for Aunties, and Grandmas 'spoiling' him, maybe you could suggest that they continue to spoil him with tons of loves and maybe special treats etc., but not by letting him think that unacceptable behaviours are ok. That will do him no favors in the long run.
Lastly, as for the bad day/ weeks I can totally sympathize. I think it is just the nature of life to have ups and downs. One thing that helps me is remembering to turn to the Lord. The adversary is probably not going to be able to tempt you to steal or murder, and he knows it, so he will go after you in little ways, like making you doubt yourself (as a mother especially). He will try to make you feel sad in order to break down a family even just a little. I try to be aware when he is doing this to me and ask for extra help from Heavenly Father - who will bouy us up when we need it!
Sorry this is fragmented and probably confusing, just know that you are not alone in this bumpy ride of life. (I also in no way am claiming to know everything or be a perfect parent, I like everyone try my best and falter - sooooo often - )in fact I love this post, because it reminds me that we are all in the same boat, often people try to put on a good face, and not let everyone else know they are struggling, when it in fact helps us all know we are not the only ones and we can remember these experiences when we are through them and empathise with others and maybe help them a little.
This is long enough, you just really touched my heart! Good luck! xoxo
Amy
Hey Mandi,
I am by no means an expert at all in parenting but i think removing priveleges is a perfectly good consequence for hitting. When my boys went through this i remeber feeling horrible too. Take heart if you keep inforcing that the behavoir isn't acceptable however you do that, he will get it and learn to express himself more better. Bad days and weeks happen and i am sorry to read that you are having one i think you ROCK. hugs Autumn
Hey Mandy,
I don't think it's too rough to take things away from a 4 year old. He is certainly old enough to understand the consequence! The only thing I have found (with Isaiah and with the 16 year olds I teach) is that you should try and have more logical consequences. That being said, I don't have any ideas for a logical consequence of hitting. The only advice I have about removing privileges, is that for a four year old, I think a week is too long, only because I don't think they really remember that long. Even if you keep reminding them I just don't think they get it, you know? Their minds just don't work the same way ours do. The one thing I have learnt from Isaiah is that the punishment has to make sense (logical consequences) and be immediate. I've found that drawing things out over an extended period of time just isn't effective. But, I realize that you know Tanner best and you are his parents and you have to decide what you think will work and then not worry about what all the rest of us say!
Well, I don't have a 4-yr-old yet but I don't think taking toys away is too much. It all depends on what works for you and Tanner. You can't let other people's opinions matter too much because they don't know your child. Everyone thinks Katie is such a sweetheart but none of them know how stubborn she is or the huge temper she has.... If I were to suggest anything it would be 123 Magic (Mary-Rose could give you the info on it). It is great and has really helped me with Katie so I don't feel like all I do is yell and argue with her anymore. If you ever need a sympathetic ear, you can call me. I know how stressful it can get. Good luck
Hey friend - I totally know what you mean about that overwhelming, kind of treading water, trying not to drown feeling. And we talked about the parenting thing - I SO understand that. Not only is it frustrating, but it's exhausting. I think you are a good, patient mom and that even if you don't do everything right all the time (or don't FEEL like you are doing everything right), in the long run, Tanner will turn out to be a great kid.
I'm with Lahni on week long consequences - they totally forget after like 5 minutes, let alone a week. I've tried a lot of things on Nate, but so far the only thing that seems to get through to him is spending time alone in his room to CALM DOWN. He may scream and cry, but eventually, he realizes that if he wants to come out, he has to act civilized - whether that means being kind, not hitting, listening, etc. Actually, that is something I learned from 1,2,3 Magic (previously mentioned). You can even let them destroy their room - but then THEY have to clean it up.
I am currently reading Scream free parenting by Hal Edward Runkel. I got it out of the library. It's pretty good so far. It's about how we can't control our kids, or our environment so we need to stop trying and control what we can, which is ourselves. It's all about how parenting is about the parents, not the kids - which I actually think is SOOOO true. All of Nathan's behavior issues are a direct result of some flaw in myself.
PHEW! Call me if you want to talk/vent. Sometimes it feels easier to manage when you have someone to talk to about everything, you know? Love ya!
Try not to dwell on the things that are going wrong but the things that are going right in your life. We all have down days and it's hard to not compare ourselves with others but I find when I'm grateful for what I am instead of critical then I'm more content. (Always easier said than done of course) Otherwise I get in a downward spiral and keep focusing on negative stuff-which I'm sure Satan LOVES. Sometimes I get stuck on all the things my husband isn't doing instead of the things he is and that's one of my worst faults right now that I'm trying to work on. He's not half as critical of me as I am of him. We watched a movie the other night about a family whose little boy was struck by a hit and run driver and killed and the consequences etc and Joe and I were both upset as we watched (Of course the little boy's name was Joshua). The family had a huge house and great jobs and their son was dead. I turned to Joe and said-It just wouldn't matter if we lived in an amazing house and had tons of money but lost our son. And we won't be judged on that but on how we treat each other.
When Josh acts out or is frustrated I try to validate his feelings while still telling him that the behaviour isn't acceptable. Like if he's stomping up the stairs or he says I'm not his best friend (which to him is SO bad) I'll say I understand you're upset and frustrated but that doesn't make it ok to say hurtful things-it makes Mommy sad. Remember anger is ALWAYS a secondary emotion for a primary emotion like fear, frustration, sadness. Get to the primary emotion and try to help him identify it. Love you lots-E
Hey I'm sorry this is such a late post but I was catching up on reading your blog entries.
I think you are a great mom Mandy! Tanner loves you so much! I hope that when I have kids my children will love me as much as Tanner loves you. I think all of your friends comments are great. And you are definitely the best person to decide what consequences to give him because you know him. You and Matt have the blessing of knowing what is right for him because you are his parents. Grandparents and aunts only think they know whats best for him but you and Matt are really the only ones who can know. You and Matt can pray about the rules you've made for him and get the confirmation of the spirit telling you that those rules are right for him (and for you guys). Thats better confirmation then any other.
Love Ya Lots!
Oh... I forgot to say that I love your new running shoes! They look very nice. And super comfy!
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