5 for Friday

5 things I'm really working hard on right now

1. Patience. This is especially hard right now since Matt is out of a job

2. Feeling like I'm a good person and worth something

3. Praying more sincerely

4. Not worrying about life and knowing it all right now

5. Knowing when to keep my mouth shut and keeping it that way.

I'm having a hard time with just going with the flow of things right now. I feel maybe it's because my normal flow of things includes Matt working. As much as I love him, sometimes it's hard to have him home and not doing much other than focusing on getting work. I wish that I could see the bigger picture a little more clearly but I'm stuck in this moment in time. How can you move forward when you don't even know what tomorrow will bring? Anyways, I sometimes wish that someone could just tell us what to do. We are having a hard time discerning that right now. You know when you have a friend over and you say "what do you want to do? and they say "I don't know. Whatever. What do you want to do?" It's so frustrating when that happens. Just tell me what you want. That's how I feel with the Lord. I just feel like "just tell me what you want us to do". Anyways....moving on....

I think about all the stories in the scriptures and how when the people were righteous and doing what they were supposed to, they lived in peace for many years, but then when they started to rebel, they got in wars etc. I feel in a way that we are being...I can't think of the word....ummmm....put through a test, rebuked, called to repentance...I think you know what I'm talking about. We haven't really had a lot of really really difficult, faith promoting trials in our life. We had one when we were first married, then again when Tanner was born and then now. I know in my heart, without a doubt, the Lord is strengthening us in our faith and our trust. And I know that He doesn't make it easy. But I KNOW that it will be worth it. It just, we're in the eye of the storm, so to speak. Like we've been walking in the desert or over the plains and our journey has come to a hardship and we can't move forward until we overcome the hardship. Like the Pioneers. I know this all may sound crazy or weird but it makes sense to me. I'm not just complaining about going through a difficult time, I'm trying to make sense of it all and compare it to what I know other people have gone through. Some people are blessed with having a better sense of their life mapped out for them, but for us, we have to take it one trial at a time. And luckily, we haven't had to face too many really trying difficult, nearly impossible ones. I know this is just another thread in our tapestry of our life. It will add depth and color to our life in a way that we don't fully comprehend or appreciate yet. But we will come to that understanding and be better for it in the end.

I know we all go through "wo is me" moments in life and I'm going through one right now. Though I know we won't be in this rut forever, I'm trying hard to stay positive and focused on keeping things running somewhat smoothly in our home and in my life and the life of my family. We will never give up and we will endure to the end, always. Because when all is said and done, I want to know that I gave it my best effort and all my heart. To know that it really was worth all the frustrations and worry and tears etc etc. So, that's my peace on that.