So here I am, totally emotionally naked confessing my feelings on babies and having more kids. For the last little I have been telling Matt that I don't want any more kids. He thought I was totally kidding around and finally I told him about 2 weeks ago that I was totally serious about not wanting more kids. No more naturally, no more trying fertility drugs or other medical intervention, no adopting...nothing. I was done. So there's the operative word....WAS. Here are my feelings of inability, inadequacy, whatever you want to call it. At first, I felt like it would be too hard because Tanner is almost 4 (on November 21st) and I felt like that was too big of an age gap between children. I wasn't sure I would feel capable of having a newborn with an independent child. Then, in addition to the fore-mentioned, I felt like I wouldn't be a good mother to 2 or more children. Then I realized, deep down, it was because I am/was afraid. Terrified, actually...of being inadequate enough to raise another child. Afraid of not having the support I've had with Tanner. Afraid of losing a baby before it was born (which, I still am terrified about.) Afraid of so many things. I know this may sound boastful or prideful, but it's not meant to be...but I think I'm a pretty good mother to Tanner. I do doubt that ability sometimes but just when I do, my family and friends tell me what an amazing job they think I'm doing and what a great, not just good, mother I am. I guess for me, having Tanner has made me into the mother I have hoped to be. Minus the bad days...lol. But I am/was essentially afraid of not being a good mother to another child. Then, yesterday in R.S. at church, the lesson was on strengthening families and the teacher was talking about how families are still considered families even if they only have 1 child. First, the thought has never occurred to me that a couple with 1 child wouldn't be considered a family. Then I felt impressed that the reason I've had all this doubt is because I needed to pray and have my heart softened and open my heart to the ability to have the faith that I can love another child. I never wanted to be one of those people that didn't really want children and then got pregnant and resented it and then felt it was such a huge chore and task and job, not an honor, to have a child. I don't understand those kind of people. I don't think less of them in any way, I just don't understand that type of attitude. Maybe if those people wanted children so badly and couldn't get pregnant easily or lost a baby or 2 (no the latter does not apply to me) then maybe they could appreciate the joy and honor it is to have such a miracle happen in their life. I just needed to let the Lord know that I was okay with having another baby and I'm not sure why I felt it now. I've been really stuck in this "I'm not having more babies" thing that it's possibly blinded me from things I could have gotten over earlier.
Getting off the baby thing, today I had my first meeting with Tanner's teachers at school about his progress. It turns out that he doesn't technically qualify for the PUF program but they want to keep him in it as an early intervention. They will continue with the funding and keep him in the school, which is great news. I honestly didn't think that he would qualify and when he did, it took me by surprise. At first, I didn't think that I would want him in it, but then I realized that I can't do everything for him because I don't have all the tools in the world to get him where he needs to be. So I told them that and I cried a little (because I am a cry baby when it comes to Tanner and expressing my feelings about him) and they said they were more than happy to keep him there. That he was a happy, pleasant, energetic boy. That he was good and they really enjoyed him being in the class. I was so relieved because I was a little worried that he wouldn't adjust to the change as well as he did. So I am relieved to hear that all has been going well.
On yet another note, I sent out Tanner's invitations for his party. I have, reluctantly, invited all of Matt's family in addition to the regular people that have been there the past 3 years. In years past, Matt and I decided that it would just be my family and Matt's Dad and his wife and Matt's Mom. We didn't have the room for all of his family and plus Tanner didn't care, so why should we. But this year, I have softened up a bit and decided it will probably be nice to have whoever can come, come. We won't be up for Christmas so this will be a good chance to see him before next summer when, in all likelihood, it will be the next time all of Matt's family is together. We still haven't decided if we are going to do a friends birthday party but we have a couple of weeks to decide that. I have to admit that I am getting a little excited at doing a bigger one this year. So we'll see how it goes.
I was looking at Christmas dinner ideas in a cookbook for this Christmas. I am even more excited for Christmas this year. I think because this year is going to be so unpredictable, it excites me for some reason. Normally, I am a very organized, need to know who, when's, where's etc, but this year, I am looking forward to the unpredictability. Well, at least for today. I will most likely change my mind closer to Christmas but right now, I am pretty excited.
Well, Tanner needs me to build his train tracks so I better go and stop neglecting my son...lol.
3 years ago
