I'm not really sure why I'm putting this out there right now...maybe because I hope that if people are worried that this will somehow make them worry less...I don't know. I haven't really felt like myself. I'm just personally struggling with personal stuff...so I have kind of shut down and put up a wall...it won't be for forever...I'm just trying to work it out. So if I seem not myself, please don't think it's a specific thing...I'm just stuck right now.
Day 6 — A song that makes you cry {or nearly and why}
-imagine
this song makes me cry because one day the world will live in harmony and that makes me so happy that i know that day will come.
-because i have been given much
this song makes me cry or nearly because it just has a special place. there's a bit of story to it. the first sunday we were able to take tanner out of the hospital just to take him to church, this was the opening song and the words really hit me like a brick as i pondered what we had been going through that first week of tanners fragile life in the hospital. we weren't even sure we would be able to take him out but i asked for baby steps...just 3 hours to go to church. we we granted the 3 hour pass and went just to sacrament and then we had to head back right after. even now when i hear that song or sing it, i am filled with the emotion that i was 7 years ago when we took our tiny, fragile baby to church for the first time and i really knew how much the Lord loved us and had blessed us with this amazing human being. so if you didn't cry while reading that like i did while writing it, that's the story behind that song.
Day 3: Siblings and parents
mom is the heart of the family. she is the best grandma ever! she loves us girls (her daughters) more than anything. she sewed us fun clothes when we were little. she'll hear you out when you feel like no one else will listen. she always makes sure she has chocolate milk for tanner when we visit (we don't buy it at home very often). she never gives up on us. HELLO! she raised 4 pre-teen to teen girls after losing my dad after 14 3/4 years of marriage. she is awesome!
My ultra "cool" (baby)sister Melany. Melany was/is the tomboy of our fam. she HATED wearing dresses and when we had to keep our dresses on after church, she would put pants on under hers so she could have "normal" clothes on.
Day 2- Something that stresses you out
-when tanner has a headache, i seriously worry because it could be a sign of tightness in his craniofacial area and that = possible sooner surgery!
-when people aren't honest
-trying to be who i am without offending people.
-being pulled away from my family really stresses me out somedays.
Attached or Single: Attached. For 8 years
B- Best friend: I would have to say that I have a few best friends. Meghan is my first true best friend. The one that's been around the longest. Jamie is my best friend from Calgary and although I mean no lost love to any of you here in town, I would say Sharon and Suzanne are my new best friends. Oh, and Trish is another Calgary best friend.
C- Cake or Pie: Cake. I don't particularly like pie all that much.
D- Day of Choice: Thursday because it goes by so fast
E- Essential Item: GUM! I have to have gum everywhere I go. I don't even chew it that often, but I need to have it with me at all times in case I want to chew it.
F- Favorite color: Purple and Yellow
G- Gummi Bears or Worms: Bears. Worms are gross somehow.
H- Hometown: It use to be Calgary but now it's Raymond
I- Indulgence(s): Subway, card making, I think that's it.
J- January or July: January because July is too hot and I pefer cold over hot any day
K-Kids: 1 boy.
L- Life is Incomplete Without: Matt and Tanner
M-Marriage Date: January 28, 2000
N- Number of Siblings: 3 sisters, and 1 brother in law on my side. 4 sister in laws and 4 brother in laws on Matt's side
O- Oranges or apples: apples with cinnamon and sugar mixture on them
P- Phobias or Fears: the dark
Q- Quotes: I like all the common ones: if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live like it was your last day.
R- Reason to Smile: My life
S- Season: Spring and Fall
T- Tag Seven: Anyone who wants to do this.
U- Unknown Fact about Me: I have grey hair already
V- Vegetarian or Meat Lover: More vegatarian than meat lover
W- Worst Habit: rolling my eyes, or spending more time on the comptuer than I should
X- X Rays or Ultrasounds: I LOVE ultrasounds
Y- Your Favorite Food: Spaghettii, and PB&J sandwiches
Z-Zodiac: Aries, Matt is an Aries too...lol
Hearing about people dying is always a very difficult for me for a lot of reasons. Mostly, I think, becaue it puts my life in perspective and makes me think about what I would do in that kind of situation. Death has always been a very prevelant thing in my life (I know that sounds really horrible, but it feels like people and family members die like flies in my family) and it's sometimes really really hard. I was thinking about this family friend of ours who's son died this last week.
Now before you think I'm wallowing in self pity, please know that I AM NOT. For some reason the situation around the death of this very young person evokes A LOT of feelings.
I thought about what I would do and how my life would be different if that were me. The bottom line whenever I think about death is that I am afraid. Terrified, actually. I, for a long time, have not liked going to sleep because I am afriad I or someone in my house might die when I am asleep. I'm not afraid of death itself...in terms of meeting the Savior and seeing my Dad again, but the reason I am afriad is because:
1. I honestly don't think anyone else could love me as unconditionally as Matt does. I don't think that I have been the easiest person to love and I know that he loves me no matter what and he always tells me I'm perfect to him. I'm not sure my heart would ever be full again without him in my life.
2. I think that I've had my fair share of death in my immediate family. Losing my Dad...well, that's a whole other post which I would never write about because it is such a personal, intimate thing for me that I would never choose to expose my feelings on that to "bloggerland" stalkers.
3. I COULD NOT ever leave Tanner. Now I know what I'm about to say may come off egotistical or arrogant but I'm sure those of you who know me and my life, will understand where it is coming from. I truly don't believe that anyone else in this whole world is as capable of taking care of Tanner or loving him like I do. I don't believe that anyone else could ever truly appreciate the struggles that we have endured to have him here and to get him to where he is and who he is. I just would be sick if Matt go re-married and she was horrible and spiteful or resentful of our experience and journey with Tanner.
4. I am afraid to be alone. That is one of my deepest fears. I just can't be alone. I don't think that I could start over again with the whole dating thing etc. That would be so hard, I think. I'm not very young...I'm not old, either, but it would take more effort now.
5. We can't afford for any of us to die. That sounds terrible, but I don't know how we'd pay for a funeral. So that's my sanity right now is knowing that we can't literally afford for any of us to die.
I'm sorry that this is a bit of a morbid post, I just needed to write down my personal feelings on the situation. This post is a bit more intimate than my normal posts but this is just who I am and what I feel.
On a different note here are a couple of Tanner sayings:
When his friend Shelby came to the door he ran to the bathroom (where I was at) and yelled "MOM, MOM, my girlfriend is here!"
Then later that evening, we were getting ready to go to Cardston to the high school play and he said "Who's going to babysit me while you and Daddy are gone?" and I said "No one is, you're coming with us" and his cute face lit up and he said "I get to come?". He loves going to Cardston and know's it a special place and he loves seeing the Temple. We can tell he's excited to go there already. We take him there for pictures and last year we went for a picnic there. We're going to try and do that again this summer. I think it's a really special thing to be able to take him there. Even if he can only go inside the foyer or on the lawn. He know's it's a special place.
Work was so slow tonight and so I got A LOT done. We have this weekly cleaning chart to do and I did all of it (except 4 things) on Wednesday because it was slow that night too. Well, tonight, I re-did all the things again plus did the 4 things I didn't get to on Wednesday. Plus, I cleaned a bunch of other things too. It was such a nice feeling to be able to get it all done. Sometimes the other girls are not as productive and then it leaves little time to do the extra stuff that could be done if they'd stop chit chatting or texting their friends while sitting around doing NOTHING!. Aghh...there's a reason it's called W-O-R-K people. It's not a slack off job. If you can't mulit-task and chat and work (meaning cleaning) then don't chat. Anyways, enough said about that. It's just that the girl I worked with tonight is like that ALL the time and that's why I think I get more done when I'm working with her because I try to do all the things I know she won't. She usually just watches me clean. Which is fine by me. Okay, now I'm done the work rant for real.
I have an amazing husband. When I came home on Tuesday, he was home and had cleaned the whole house. Plus he usually makes supper now and he let's me sleep in after a night shift on the weekend. He's so wonderful. I just really really really love him.
Okay, so that's it for now. Until later.
I have come to the realization that we 99% are likely NOT to be having any more kids and the truth is, I'm not really sure that I even want more. I know this is a big shock, but I just enjoy other people's children in addition to my only one. Like pets...I like other people's pets, but I don't really want one of our own. NO, I'm not saying children are like pets, but I'm just relating the feelings I have on the subject. I actually feel totally calm and happy about not having more kids. I haven't even thought about it in a really long time. You know every month if I was a day or two late, I'd secretly hope and wish that this was the month that I'd finally be pregnant, but of course we all know how that turned out. I am happy to have just one and not have more. When people talk about having babies or being pregnant I'm actually glad it's not me and I don't feel like I want that. So anyways, that's the decision that I've made on that. I know my Aunt will blow a gasket when she finds out that I don't want any more but it's mine and Matt's choice. Matt says he could go for one more, but he doesn't seem too heart set on actually doing it. So, if we do have another one, which is super unlikely, then great, but if not...I'm pretty sure it's a no go for us. Which is fine. But I think that's it. I just wanted to share that personal, intimate thing with all my blogger friends.
People really like to Tag me and to tell you the truth, I don't mind it at all. So I have to write 6 habits or things people don't know about me that I haven't written about before (which is going to be hard because I've written plenty of this stuff before)
1. I'm like Adrienne in that I'm in a clothes crisis. I feel like nothing fits, nothing looks good and I don't like the style right now. I just wear what is comfortable and I don't really care. I use to be a little bit trendy/school girly but now, I don't know. Clothes is too expensive. I like JOE, LOVE LOVE LOVE Reitmans, and sometimes I like Old Navy. Also, I am in a music jam. I don't really know what I really really like. I love The MTC, and most country and old stuff. I don't really think the stuff they play now is worth listening too. I listen to it sometimes but it get's on my nerves pretty quickly.
2. When I am having a really challenging day I have a bad habit of thinking that life as a pioneer would be easier than what I'm dealing with at the moment. I know, totally unrealistic, but, whatever
3. I believe in the natural, homeopathic stuff. I believe oils and herbs are better for a person. I wish we had more money so that we could do all that stuff full on.
4. I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees. Ever since I was pregnant, I have to have it.
5. After my Dad died, I had to sleep with something in my arms every night. When I got the Jordan doll from NKOTB, I slept with it. Then I slept with a dinosaur that I got from someone when I got my wisdom teeth out. It's not so bad now but for a very long time, I couldn't go to sleep with something in my arms. It could get a bit akward at sleepovers but I didn't really care.
6. I have a habit of when I get a needle to have my blood drawn or having any kind of pain, I dig my thumb nail into my pointer finger to lessen the pain of where I feel it. It weird, I know.
***I know we are only suppose to do 6 but I thought of one more that is kind of funny. I got a new set of scriptures for my birthday and I can't bear to mark them up yet. I carry my old BofM around so I can mark it up like crazy. I did't have a seperate Bible before my new ones I got for my birthday, so I carry around my new (seperate) set of The B of M and the Bible and my old B of M. It's too pretty to mark up yet. Next year I'll be braver and do it really nice. I should have arms of steel pretty soon with all that weight in my church bag.
So I am going to tag Christine, Amanda, Malauney, Juliette, Kim, and Brooke.
Also, besides being tagged I discovered that a mouse ate through some of Book of Mormon study guide. So I said to Matt "that mouse better be super smart from Alma 1-15 because that's where he ate through". It was pretty funny. He laughed at me.
In other news, my sister came to visit and we had a wonderful time. I always love when my family comes down. I always have a good visit with them.
So I think that's it for today.
I've been tagged for 2 different things. One from Bobbi-Jo and the other from Tara so here goes.
Me summed up in fours
My four favorite naughty food:
1. Cheeseies
2. Tim Bits
3. Popcorn with flavoring salt
4.Crave cupcakes
My 4 favorite movies
1. Ever After
2. Lion King
3. Pride and Prejudice
4. Mean Girls
My 4 favorite things to say
1. SERIOUSLY?!
2. For real?
3. Whatever
4. Yeah right!
My 4 favorite T.V. shows
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Prison break
3. Brother's and Sisters
4. The Hills
4 jobs I've had:
1. Pet Councelor (Petland)
2. Subway Sandwich Artist
3. Usher (Saddledome)
4. Nanny
My 4 favorite scrapbooking colors
1. Pink
2. Brown
3. Saffron Yellow
4. Black
Four places I would love to visit
1. New York
2. Disneyland
3. Navoo
4. All over California
Four names I like but never named my children
1. Ava
2. Ausitn
3. Callie
4. Dylan
My 4 biggest fears:
1. Tanner dying
2. The Dark
3. Not knowing my family as well as I think I do
4. Being unhealthy
Now I tag Jamie and Lahni on this one
Six random things:
1. I put my towel on the heat register when I'm in the shower to warm it up for when I get out.
2. I loved growing up in the 80's. It was the best time of my life...or should I say funnest.
3. I love the smell of fresh laundry. It makes me happy and even a little giddy.
4. When I was a kid, after breakfast my sister's and I use to all find a heat register and pull our nighties up over our knees and sit on it to get warm before we had to get dressed for school.
5. It drives me crazy when people leave dishes in other rooms of the house and they don't bring them to the kitchen to be washed.
6. I have moved 9 times in my life. Most of which have been after I have been married.
I have to tag 6 people but I don't even know 6 "bloggers". So I will tag anyone who is willing to do this one.
It appears this is another popular post to do so I thought I would do it too...because I'm a follower, not a leader...lol
Here's how it works:
…you write a bunch of stuff you’ve never said to certain people and then swear to never tell anyone who each statement goes to.
If you want to know if a certain statement is about you, e-mail me and I'll tell you which one I wrote about you. And like a very smart friend said on her website, if I didn't write anything about you, you should probably feel flattered.
1. I can't believe that I wasted so much time and energy on you. You were a complete waste of my time and I regret every waking, sleeping second I spent thinking about you or talking to you or spending time with you or talking about you or "dreaming" about you. You are a waste of perfectly good air. All you wanted was one thing and I regret ever knowing you. I hope I never see you again.
2. I totally didn't deserve you in my life. I treated you poorly and I took you for granted. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly. I really did care very much for you. And though we have gone our seperate ways, I wish you all the best and I just want to say I'm sorry for how I treated you.
3. I have never liked you. I only tolerate you because you are a friend of someone I love very much. I hate that you are so disrespectful to people especially those around you. And I think that you are greedy.
4. When we first met, I thought you were a little bit of a snob but I thought you were so pretty and I really wanted to get to know you better. Though we aren't super close now, I still consider you my friend and we have had so many fun times together and I really appreciate all that I have learned from you. I hope you know that I still care about you and that I think about you often.
5. I adore you! Words don't even begin to describe how deeply I appreciate you. I think about you on a daily basis and wish that we could hang out more. Thinking about you brings a smile to my face every time I think about you. I am so glad we are friends and I know that will never judge me. I just love you!
6. I am glad we have become friends. Even though we are related we never really were friends but I'm grateful for the friendship we have developed over the last few years. I really really love you and am grateful for you.
7. I love you more than words can say. I always am glad to see you but appreciate you and our relationship more when we have been away from each other for a while. You have taught me so much and I am really glad I get to be yours
8. Okay, let's face it...it takes a lot of effort for us to get along but I am so glad that you are in my life and that it takes so much work to be your friend. I love you regardless of what you do or say or what you think or even what you think of me. We might have a boring relationship if it didn't take effort...lol. I love you.
9. I don't really tell you often enough but I love you. You have been thorough a lot lately and I am glad that you are someone I can laugh with and be honest with. And you know me better than I give you credit for.
10. My life could not go on without you in it. I would literally curl up and die if you weren't there for me. You love me no matter what and you are my bestest friend. I am sure of my relationship/friendship with you. I never doubt you or what you tell me.
11. I think that you are better than you think you are. I think you have so much beauty in you and I hope one day you will see what I see in you.
12. I just think you are so talented and an amazing mother. You are the kind of mother I hope I can be when Tanner get's older. I think you are so wonderful and even though I don't think that you consider me a "friend" we are aqquainted with one another and I am glad that I know you.
13. Even though when we were younger, I always felt judged by you, I have recently come to realized that you and I are a lot more simialr in our feelings and thoughts. I am sorry that we weren't better friends when we were younger. I do love you and I think that you are a wonderful person even though you I know you feel a lot of challenges in your life.
14. You were my first friend when I was a youth and I have always hoped that we would stay in touch because I always thought you were so wonderful and amazing. I don't know if I ever told you that but I wanted you to know that. And I love your name.
15. I misjudged you and I know that our friendship isn't the same. I was a jerk and I'm sorry (even though I've told you that about 100 times) that I mis-judged you. You and I had the best of times when I was pregnant and you were always there for me. You are so sweet and I miss those days when we hung out in front of the t.v. (I was on bed rest people...I wasn't lazy). I hope our friendship will become stronger.
16. I love that we can be ourselves with each other. We go way back...lol and I trust you so much with what I tell you. I love being able to be crazy and silly with you and you with me. Even though we are older, I love that there is still some "sameness" that we have with each other.
17. You are always there when I seem to need some kind of encouragement or words of kindness. I really am glad you are part of my life.
18. I just think you are so fun. I love spending any time with you and I think that you are pretty awesome. You are super talented and knowledgeable and I'm glad we are friends. I love you.
19. I am glad that our young friendship has seen harder days already. I know that it has grown because of more challenging times but 90% of the time it's all about having fun. I think you are so cute and you are very dedicated to what you believe in. You were my rock in many things, even though I'm not sure I told you that. I miss you so much and our talks. You always seemed to be there for me when I really needed it and I am glad that I could depend on you to give me a better perspective of my life and problems.
So that's all that I can think of for now. Some of these are about people who aren't on Facebook but whatever...
I couldn't think of something to write about every single person but for the ones that came to mind as I was doing this.
