Dear diary

As I lay here pondering the last 5 days and the events that have taken place, I wonder if I truly know my authentic self (thanks Oprah) and if I don't, what am I doing to become who I have the potential to be? I don't think I am the only one to struggle with this and some days are better than others in knowing but lately I have had some serious doubts (what's his no face is to blame for that). I have been trying to keep busy and productive so I don't get too down on the issue.

We had our first dinner (it was actually lunch) guests over. We BBQ ribs and had salad with it. It was oh so yummy. We are having more guests over on Sunday for dinner. I am excited to be able to finally have the room to entertain people and not feel like it's so crowded. my sister and her husband are hopefully coming down for a visit this weekend. They will be the 3rd people in family to see our house.

2 more weeks until we can park in our garage. We are having a combined garage sale with Amelia. It's going to be great!

I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for but sometimes I feel like I don't always show it. I am trying to work on that because I want to show it more in how I live and how I act.

Anyways, it's a bit of a deep one tonight. Lots going on.

I need to post some pictures soon. Maybe tomorrow.

Wednesday Wonders

Do you ever come across something that humbles you enough to make you realize how insignificant you are??? I came across something this week that made me realize my situation in life isn't all that more special than anybody else's. I don't feel like I've gone through my life thinking or feeling that I'm any more special than anyone else but I have felt that I have grown a lot by going through certain trials in my life and in some little way, that made me feel a little bit more special in my own way...NOT in comparison to other people. This week I came to an understanding that we are all special in our own ways not matter what our lot in life is. We all go through certain things in life. Things that we agreed to in the pre-existence. I love gaining a better, clearer perspective on life and realizing that every one of us...no matter what we go through, all have one equally common thing about us. We are all children of God and we are all loved equally by Him who's plan we rejoiced in. I just think that's such an amazing gift and such a source of strength.



Wednesday Wonder:

Bubble Gum ice cream at Amelias

The melting snow due to warm weather

Tylenol 3's for my headache last night that wouldn't go away with anything else

Blue sky

Special drinks (my family knows what this is)

Tanner's random hugging and telling me he loves me lately







What made me happy on Tuesday is getting through the day without feeling sad or crying because it was the 20th anniversary of my Dad dying. Please don't read that as me being cold or heartless but some years have been harder than others and I chose this year to think about how lucky I was to have such a great example of a father in my life. And even though he's been gone for over half of my life, I know and understand the power of the priesthood and what being a good father means. That makes me REALLY happy.

I am happy for every moment I get to be with Matt and Tanner. I have been trying to live in the moment and be in the present rather than think about all that I need or want to get done. When we're all together, I try to fully appreciate and value that time and make the most of it.

Having a really yummy lunch...although it had lots of beans in it and we all know what beans do to our bodies...it was still so good.

5 for Friday

I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. Canada Day was great!

Every year I kind of dread it because I wasn't raised here and it seems like everyone has their huge family reunions coinciding with Canada Day and I always wish that was us too. It makes me feel a bit like an outsider. This year especially so because my own family did not come down like they have in the past. We went to the parade and then we took Tanner up to Vulcan (to meet up with my Mom) for his 2nd week (4 days really) of adventures (in Calgary) with my Mom. So it didn't make it as lonely as I thought it might be.

On the way back home, Matt and I went to the movie "The Last Airbender". It was REALLY good.

This week has been a bit of a reflective week. I'm kind of exposing myself emotionally in this weeks 5.


5 things I have learned about myself this week:

1. I'm more of a people watcher/listener when I'm around new people, than a conversationalist. I like to observe more than be involved in talking.

I know my personality can come off as strong or obnoxious (as I'm sure many of my friends who knew me growing up can attest to), so I have to really feel people out and get a sense of what their personalities are before I feel "safe" or comfortable letting my true self come out. I've grown up being loud all my life and so sometimes that's hard for me to wrangle in and control. It can really turn people off and I realize that. I'm working on it. It's a life's work in progress.



2. I'm pretty immature. I've known that I'm a little immature at times but this week, I think I've acted totally immature. This is NO surprise to most of you, but I'm really seeing it in myself this week.



3. I'm not a good conversationalist. Again, this kind of goes back to #1 but I don't really know what to talk to people about.

In certain situations it's really hard because being an "outsider", people here know each other and talk about people they know and how do you get "in" on a conversation like that.

I guess any new potential relationship is like dating. You have to ask questions to get to know others.

Plus, I'm actually not very intellectual. I don't really pay attention to what's going on politically or financially so it can sometimes limit what I can converse about. To me, smart people can talk about EVERYTHING. Some days I feel like a character off of "Clueless", or that I'm just the "nice" girl who doesn't really know much. I don't think that I'm stupid or anything, I just wish I was smarter in a different way. Does that make any sense?



4. I'm going through a period of unsteadiness in my life. I go through these phases (as I imagine some people do) where I'm not sure of myself or who I am or what I want. I mean, deep down, my heart knows that I'm a daughter of God, but my head isn't telling me the same thing. I'm content. I'm not sad or angry or feeling negative, just feeling a change. I know change is good. Perhaps I'm being humbled by the Lord.



5. I'd like to trade my body in. It is NOT doing anything I want it to do this week.

I was tearing up while running on Tuesday because my shins hurt so bad they were burning. And on Sunday (yes, I know, I broke the Sabbath by running on Sunday) when I was running, my calf muscles tightened up so much that it hurt to run.

I hate having to keep asking my chiropractor to put on kinesiology tape or adjust me, but if I don't have the tape on, my legs konk out on me.

Plus, all month I haven't been able to sleep. My brain just does not ever shut up! I mean, why do I need to think about stuff for 24 hours a day? My brain seems to have a problem with continual running thoughts.

OH and here's something I learned...did you know that you have a nerve called the Ulnar nerve? I didn't until I was at the hospital because my whole left arm went numb and so I went to the hospital and they said it was my ulnar nerve, and a million things could have set it off to cause numbness. Weird!

I know this kind of sounds like I'm complaining, but really I'm not. I just want a good nights sleep, and my body to cooperate so I can run and function like a normal person. I really enjoyed running while I was on my treadmill, but my body hates me or something because it does NOT like me running outside.


So that is my week "exposed".

Do you ever wonder

Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you had chosen a different path or made different choices? I do. I don't regret my choices in life and I am grateful for the things I have learned along the way but when I look back at my life, I wonder why I thought certain things were important at that time in my life. Or I wonder what I could have done differently to make me love my husband more easily, sooner. I knew I always loved him but it hasn't been until this last year that I have realized just how much and how deeply I love him. Why didn't I feel that way before? Was I so hard hearted that I couldn't see what was right in front of me? Or why did I put my foot in my mouth when expressing my feelings to someone recently and now the relationship isn't the same. Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut? Why couldn't and can't I be more forgiving? Why do I feel so inadequate to do anything in my life right now? Actually to be blunt, I feel worthless and under -appreciated. Why is that? I feel so vulnerable and doubtful of things. I use to be sure of a lot of things but now, a lot of those things that I use to be sure about, I feel unsure about. Here's what I know for sure: That Matt and Tanner love me totally and completely unconditionally, that tomorrow is a new day, that I have the most amazing, wonderful friends I could ask for. I don't have a ton of those best friends that you just want to be with all the time and hang out but the ones I do have, I cherish completely. I know that tomorrow I'm doing laundry. I just got this new amazing smelling laundry detergent and I love it! Seriously, who actually can say that they LOVE the smell of their laundry detergent. It's just detergent right? Wrong! If a detergent smells yucky or unpleasant, I don't like to use it. It doesn't make me actually want to and look forward to doing laundry.
I also know that I have a testimony of the gospel. It's much easier to live the gospel than not to. If you've ever been off the right path and get back on the right one, it's easier to stay on the right one because you never want to go back to the "dark" side.
I just feel like I'm being raked over the coals or something right now. Like I'm on this emotional roller coaster. I don't think I've cried so easily since Tanner was born and in the Hospital. And I really don't like to cry. I don't mind the puffy eyed look....whatever. But it physically hurts my eyes to cry. It's like I'm allergic to my own tears, and let's face it, who's ever heard of being allergic to their own tears?
Maybe I feel like this because I haven't really been focusing on any certain goals. The only one I can think of that I've really focused on, is reading my scriptures. I'm totally bad a praying (personally. We are super good at family and companion prayer), which is so odd for me because I know (just like staying on the right path) it's much easier than not praying. I'm just not doing all the things I should be and it's really affecting me lately.
Life is just hard right now and I believe it will be worth it at the end of the year when I look back and see where I was a year ago.
When I look back at where I was a year ago right now, we've come a long way. We had just moved to Raymond and we had gone back to Calgary for Christmas and we were getting ready to come back to Raymond, with Tanner for the first time, and unpack. I was so nervous and excited at the same time about everything. Being so far away from my family for the first time (okay, well I lived in B.C. for a summer with the family that I nannied for but I took the bus home every other weekend for the weekend, so that doesn't really count), being so far from the hospital and all of Tanner's doctors. I was most worried about that because I thought we wouldn't be able to see them anymore but thank goodness, we can. Worried about if Tanner would still know his relatives who he use to see twice a week at least. Worried about what the family I nannied for was going to do for child care. Worried that Matt wouldn't find a job. Excited for making new friends. Excited for being on our own. Excited for having our own place that we didn't have to share (even though I LOVED sharing a house with Erica) or worry about music being up too loud in an apartment. Excited to have a garden and our own yard. Excited to be able to walk everywhere without feeling nervous or afraid. Excited for that small town feeling. Excited to actually get to know our neighbours.
I have had a wonderful year. Amazing, in fact. My life, up until about a month ago, was, I would say, perfect. But now, it's not so perfect. I wouldn't call it a disaster or a failure, but just trying and unsure. Hard, is a better word. I know for sure, without a doubt that this is exactly where me and my family is suppose to be. Right here, in Raymond. I know that for sure. And honestly, you couldn't pay me enough money to move back to Calgary. I wouldn't do it for all the money in the world. I know I've said that before, but I still feel that way. The city is not a good place to raise a family, in my opinion. I've posted about this before, so I won't repeat... at least not for now.
It's hard to believe that we have already been here a year! It doesn't seem that long ago that we were pulling our super huge semi truck load of crap onto the driveway and unloading it all. It wasn't really a semi truck but it was the largest moving truck you can get and it was packed top to bottom, back to front full of stuff. We had to fill our car and the front of the truck to get all our stuff down here. That was crazy! I've gone through some of the stuff and got rid of some of it, but you know how it is, for however much you throw out or get rid of, you accumulate about 2x as much.
Well, I guess that's it for now. Happy New Year and I hope everyone stays safe.

Can I breathe now?

So I know that I haven't blogged for so long but I have a totally valid reason. Tanner turned 4 and I was so busy with 800 things last week. Okay, well, not literally 800 but I had SOOOOOO much to do to get ready for his party. I had snack for both his schools, so that was a lot. Then cake and food for his friends party, plus cleaning for that. Then I had to make and ice his Cars cake for the family party on the weekend and clean up for that. Plus decorate. It was hectic to say the least. Tanner had a perfect birthday day. It was so awesome. He had lots of fun and the day went off without a hitch. He was spoiled rotten, to say the least, at both his parties.



I haven't hardly had time to breathe. At least I feel like that. I had to write myself a note to remember to breathe. Then my dear, sweet friend called to leave a message to remind me to breathe on Thursday night. Needless to say, I have paid for the craziness that I put myself through this week. I have a really bad cold. I am in Calgary for the week and most of my time I am having down time with Tanner.



I have had a lot of reflective thoughts about Tanner and about being a mother. Tanner has been my greatest joy. I knew that I loved him even before I knew I was pregnant with him. How is that possible is what I'm sure some of you are asking but it just is. The love you gain when you are a mother is one that you can not describe in words. Having Tanner has blessed our lives in ways I never thought possible. Having a baby put you on a rollercoaster of very high highs and very low lows. It's incredible. So in honor of my son, I will tell you what I love the most about him.



1. His laugh is infectious at every level. When he laughs, you can't help but laugh along.



2. He is a total free spirit. He knows no limits. The world is his. He has rules, don't get me wrong but he is happy to do just about anything.



3. He is SUCH a ham!



4. I LOVE that when he smiles, his eyes smile too. Those of you who know him, know exactly what I'm talking about. It's awesome.



5. I love that he's so tiny. It makes me feel like he's still my baby



6. He likes to help out with just about anything. I love it that he can help out.



7. He is a fish in the water...literally. He sticks his head under the water and swims around like a fish.



8. He loves his little monkey (Dangles) like it was a real person. It's the sweetest thing.



9. He doesn't walk. He runs everywhere. He has so much energy and just wants to go.



10. He has a scar on his head from his head surgery that matches the scar on Matt's head that Matt got when he burnt his head with hot oil off the stove. I love this scar because it reminds me of all he has been through and how we lucky we are to have him with us.



So that's it for now. I could write more, but I don't want to expose it all...lol.

Is it real

Do you ever watch a show and you know this is NOT real life but you cry when a certain situation happens? Like if you were watching a show and someone died, you would cry like it happened to you? I am such a baby when it comes to that. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and I find myself crying A LOT. When Denny dies (hello!!! I've watched this scene about 4 different times. The ending is always the same and yet I still cry like it's the first time I've seen it). Or when Mereidth almost dies and Derek comes to see her. I'm like a hormonal cry baby. But I could be having the best, happiest day and I'll still cry. Why is that? For me, it makes me think about my life and what I've been through in my life. I think that the top 5 things that have changed me or made me grow are:

1. My Dad dying. That changed my life in a way that is indescribable in any words. I grew more than words can say during my grieving process, which I am not afraid to say took my 8 years to deal with. It was a very long, difficult thing for me but it's done. That's not to say that I don't still miss my Dad. Some days are so much harder than others but for the most part, I'm okay with knowing that I'll see him in heaven again. But I am human.

2. Getting married. This was and still is a huge change for me. Growing up with all sisters really opened my eyes to boy things. Even something as simple as having the toilet seat put down. I fell in twice when we were first married so I made a sign and put it over the toilet and it hasn't happened since. You just don't think about those things if you've never lived with boys before.

3. Having Tanner. I could write a novel about this subject and my feelings but...I've said it before on this blog, it changed my life in a way that I did not expect. Not only having a baby, but having a baby born with complications is completely life changing. At least it was for me. I would not change a single thing or trade it in for anything in the world. I have loved being pushed to my limits and growing through my experiences with Tanner.

4. Being diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I'd rather not go into a lot of detail about this but it was difficult for me to deal with when I was first diagnosed.

5. Moving away from my family. I have so many feelings and thoughts on this. I love my family sooooo sooooo much but moving away from them has been one of the best decisions Matt and I have made. It has changed me and I wish sometimes we would have done it sooner.

When I think about my life, I think about these things the most. And my crazy teenage years (don't ask!!!). And watching other people on T.V. go through similar situations makes me reflect on my life and the things that I have gone through to get me to where I am today. Mostly it makes me grateful for what I have and what I've had to go through to be the person I am.
I know that the life I live and lead is real and that what I watch is just made up. I guess emotions are a much stronger thing than I thought they could be in watching something fake. Maybe I'm just silly. Oh well. That's me.

Tanner has been a bit more whiny than usual lately. I'm not sure why. I am hoping that our trip to Calgary will help. He doesn't see my family as much as when we lived up there. So I think he's missing them and wanting to see them more. He is getting a lot better at talking on the phone with my family. He knows his birthday is coming up and talks about it every other day. It's so cute. He says "I'm not 4 yet. I'm 3." His memory is sharper than a tack. He remembers EVERYTHING you say. If you tell him he can watch a movie tomorrow, he'll remember the next day. He's getting so big. Which is scary and exciting all at the same time.

Anyway, I think that's about it for now.

Because I feel so much

We received a phone call late on Saturday night telling us that two 17 year old girls had been in a horrible car accident and that one of them is in a coma and could we please say a prayer and have a fast for them. I can not, even now at this very moment, get it out of my head what that must be like. I can not even fathom what that would be like to get a call or have someone come to your door and tell you that your child has been in an accident. Matt asked me that night if I ever worry about him being in an accident and what I would do and I told him that I think about it and worry about it every single day. You just never know what you are going to do or how you will handle a certain situation unless it happens to you. I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever have, let alone actually be faced with, a child with such unique problems and (as the doctor's say) abnormalities. It really tests you and really, for lack of better words, puts you through the ringer. This incident (the car accident) has brought back, in vivid memory, what I felt when Tanner was born. And not only when he was born but when we found out what some of the complications were going to be. It has really helped me to understand on a much deeper level, what the Lord knows we can handle and that He knows what we are capable of. He puts His trust in us to have faith and trust Him. It really opens up a persons eyes (albeit, they have to be willing to submit to the promptings and feelings) to how loving the Lord is. And, as my Mom always says, it's about attitude. Some people have bad attitudes in life and some have good.
I'll be honest and say that at first when we found out about Tanner, I didn't have a very good attitude but then my friend really opened my eyes and said to me exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Since then, I have always tried to be optimistic (even when I knew a member of my extended family said that they thought it would have be better if Tanner died because of all the complications) and looked at the positive. There were days when he was in the hospital that I didn't feel optimistic for a small moment, but then I got smart and started asking questions and became more knowledgable in what was going on. There were things I had to leave in the Lord's hands. Like when he had to have a blood transfusion at 24 hours old and they had to literally take out 2/3 of all his blood, bit by bit, and replace it with better blood. For me, that was the most hardest, difficult, trying, emotional, uncomprehensible thing I had to deal with ever! Everything after that, was easy compared to that procedure. Even his head surgery, though I was a bit nervous and anxious, I felt like if he could get through having his blood taken out of his body at such an early stage in his life, he would get through anything else. For me, that was the only time that I truly had doubt in anything. And that really taught me a lesson in trusting and being grateful to the Lord.

So enough about that. I could go on and on about that. I've written a 30 page (back and front) entry in my journal about my feelings during that time and what was happening and who came to visit, etc. etc.

I just got the magazine LDS living today (I have a subscription but this is the new one that came today) and they have an article in there about children being responsible for picking up their own toys and this concept of a "gobble bag". Essentially what it is, is a bag that "gobbles" up the toys at the end of the day that haven't been picked up. The "gobbled" up toys are then put away for a week. The author was saying that she has a 3 year old (it could have been a 4 year old, but it was a younger child) that forgot their 'special' toy and it got gobbled up and they didn't get it back for a week. The author said that she thought that it taught them responsibilty to pick up their own toys and that it takes the responsibility off the parents to have to remind their children to pick up their toys. It just seemed like a really odd concept and I was hoping that I could get some feedback/comments/opinions on this. If you've read the article, it's probably more clear what I'm talking about. I just think that to have an inatimate object to 'teach' your children a concept or whatever, is a little weird. Wouldn't it be just as effective if you, as the parent, set the rules and if your kids didn't pick up their toys, you would just say "okay then, I'm going to put all the toys that you didn't pick up away and you don't get them back for a week." It seems to me that it's kind of a cop out on the parents part to be a responsible parent/adult and follow through on the rules. Anyways, feedback would be nice.

Tanner had an emotionally sensitive day today. When I was making him his grilled cheese at lunch he kept asking if it was ready and I said "no, I have to cook it in the pan and then it will be ready". Well after about the 3rd time he asked and I responded in the same way every time, he started to cry. I went over and picked him up and cuddled with him and told him that I loved him and that I would try and hurry because I knew he was probably very hungry. He cried for about 10 minutes and I felt so sad for my little sad boy. It made me want to cry. He's not usually like that. And when he is, it's not for a whole day. It's usually just for a little while like a morning and then in the afternoon he's fine. But today, it was all day. He's such a great little guy.

Well, I think that's it for now.