Because I feel so much

We received a phone call late on Saturday night telling us that two 17 year old girls had been in a horrible car accident and that one of them is in a coma and could we please say a prayer and have a fast for them. I can not, even now at this very moment, get it out of my head what that must be like. I can not even fathom what that would be like to get a call or have someone come to your door and tell you that your child has been in an accident. Matt asked me that night if I ever worry about him being in an accident and what I would do and I told him that I think about it and worry about it every single day. You just never know what you are going to do or how you will handle a certain situation unless it happens to you. I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever have, let alone actually be faced with, a child with such unique problems and (as the doctor's say) abnormalities. It really tests you and really, for lack of better words, puts you through the ringer. This incident (the car accident) has brought back, in vivid memory, what I felt when Tanner was born. And not only when he was born but when we found out what some of the complications were going to be. It has really helped me to understand on a much deeper level, what the Lord knows we can handle and that He knows what we are capable of. He puts His trust in us to have faith and trust Him. It really opens up a persons eyes (albeit, they have to be willing to submit to the promptings and feelings) to how loving the Lord is. And, as my Mom always says, it's about attitude. Some people have bad attitudes in life and some have good.
I'll be honest and say that at first when we found out about Tanner, I didn't have a very good attitude but then my friend really opened my eyes and said to me exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Since then, I have always tried to be optimistic (even when I knew a member of my extended family said that they thought it would have be better if Tanner died because of all the complications) and looked at the positive. There were days when he was in the hospital that I didn't feel optimistic for a small moment, but then I got smart and started asking questions and became more knowledgable in what was going on. There were things I had to leave in the Lord's hands. Like when he had to have a blood transfusion at 24 hours old and they had to literally take out 2/3 of all his blood, bit by bit, and replace it with better blood. For me, that was the most hardest, difficult, trying, emotional, uncomprehensible thing I had to deal with ever! Everything after that, was easy compared to that procedure. Even his head surgery, though I was a bit nervous and anxious, I felt like if he could get through having his blood taken out of his body at such an early stage in his life, he would get through anything else. For me, that was the only time that I truly had doubt in anything. And that really taught me a lesson in trusting and being grateful to the Lord.

So enough about that. I could go on and on about that. I've written a 30 page (back and front) entry in my journal about my feelings during that time and what was happening and who came to visit, etc. etc.

I just got the magazine LDS living today (I have a subscription but this is the new one that came today) and they have an article in there about children being responsible for picking up their own toys and this concept of a "gobble bag". Essentially what it is, is a bag that "gobbles" up the toys at the end of the day that haven't been picked up. The "gobbled" up toys are then put away for a week. The author was saying that she has a 3 year old (it could have been a 4 year old, but it was a younger child) that forgot their 'special' toy and it got gobbled up and they didn't get it back for a week. The author said that she thought that it taught them responsibilty to pick up their own toys and that it takes the responsibility off the parents to have to remind their children to pick up their toys. It just seemed like a really odd concept and I was hoping that I could get some feedback/comments/opinions on this. If you've read the article, it's probably more clear what I'm talking about. I just think that to have an inatimate object to 'teach' your children a concept or whatever, is a little weird. Wouldn't it be just as effective if you, as the parent, set the rules and if your kids didn't pick up their toys, you would just say "okay then, I'm going to put all the toys that you didn't pick up away and you don't get them back for a week." It seems to me that it's kind of a cop out on the parents part to be a responsible parent/adult and follow through on the rules. Anyways, feedback would be nice.

Tanner had an emotionally sensitive day today. When I was making him his grilled cheese at lunch he kept asking if it was ready and I said "no, I have to cook it in the pan and then it will be ready". Well after about the 3rd time he asked and I responded in the same way every time, he started to cry. I went over and picked him up and cuddled with him and told him that I loved him and that I would try and hurry because I knew he was probably very hungry. He cried for about 10 minutes and I felt so sad for my little sad boy. It made me want to cry. He's not usually like that. And when he is, it's not for a whole day. It's usually just for a little while like a morning and then in the afternoon he's fine. But today, it was all day. He's such a great little guy.

Well, I think that's it for now.