Word of the week...

B L U F F

Those of you who are familiar with my life right now, know why this word would be a great word for the week right now. Enough said...moving on...

L O V E

Another really great word right now. The things I love the most right now in life:

-Matt. He made his first loaves of home made bread last week and they were by far better than any I've ever made. He loves me for me and I know some days that can be really hard...it can be hard for me to love me some days ; )

-Tanner. If you had told me 7 years ago that a child could bring a person so much joy and sheer happiness, I'm not sure I'd believe it. It's something you have to experience to understand. Tanner is a very very very bright spot in my life...constantly...even when he's being a pickle, he is my pure joy in my heart. I know that the way I feel for him is only but a small particle of the way Heavenly Father feels for us. That is unimaginable to me...incomprehensible. How could anyone love me more than I love Tanner? I don't know how, but I know it's true.

-Friends. I love love love my friends. They are a strength to me every single day. They are a constant source of forgiveness, understanding, laughter, joy, happiness, and most of all love in my life. I don't have a huge circle of friends. I have but a small handful of friends that I trust with my life and heart and that's good enough for me. I'm not one of those people who needs to have lots and lots of friends to feel good about themselves or to feel a certain way. I know my friends love me for me, no matter what.

-My job. I adore my job. I love getting up and going to work and meeting people everyday. I have amazing employers and I am grateful every day for the opportunity they have given to me.

-My sisters. Word cannot express how much I love those girls. I love them. All my sisters are unique in themselves and there are certain things that I know I can talk to each sister about. For example, I can talk to Megan about marriage and kids because her and I are the only ones with children. It's something we understand with each other. Amy, she is a movie nerd (a good thing) and she can tell me what movies are worth seeing. She is also really good at talking about real life and political, deeper subject...especially the gospel. She is so stinkin' smart when it comes to the gospel. Melany, she has a quiet strength all her own. She listens when you don't think she is and she can make me laugh like no one else can. I love my sister a lot.

-My Mom. What can I really say but good things about my Mom. She is amazing and awesome and loving and kind and understanding and forgiving and patient and charitable and generous and strong and just a really really great person/mom/friend. Sometimes the way I feel about her is too much for me to put into words. The love I feel for her is forever.

-My Dad. Although my Dad died in '91 I still love him and am grateful for all the things he taught me. He was a great great man/leader and I still look to his example.

-My Savior. I love the Savior. Enough said for now.

-Music. I can not live without my music. I am very frequently plugged in. I don't listen to hard stuff. Quite often in the house I play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or Tanner's Children Songbook C.D.'s. Music can change a mood or emotion so quickly and can calm and relax or liven up or make me run faster.

-Time. I love the time that I get to enjoy each day and each moment with the things and people that I love the most.

I just love life!

47 Million

...dollars in my bank account....heck no! I don't even wish I had that much money EVER! because that much money would be too much for me to handle.

...people in Calgary...no, but it sure feels like it sometimes

What does this number represent????

Abortions in the world.

This is a very sad and disheartening fact. The speaker on Sunday was talking about families and he brought up this little fact. I don't get it...why do people feel they have that right to make that judgement call in behalf of a totally innocent, unborn child? Why? Don't they know that there are people that struggle every day to get pregnant or who can't even have children of their own?

When I was pregnant with Tanner and we knew that he was going to be born with Cleft lip and palate and with cysts on one of his kidneys, one of my cousins wife said that it would be better off if Tanner had died because he was going to be born with so many complications. I don't know why she felt she could or even should make that judgement call but it was never up to her to decide. It is ALWAYS up to the Lord. Sometimes it hard to see past the now and see into or even think about the future let alone eternities but we have to place our trust in the Lord and know that he knows all and has a plan for each of us. I believe that those who have abortions don't know better. In my own little world, they couldn't possibly be members of the church. But in reality, I know some of them are. This is so sad to me. People make bad choices every day but that is why I'm grateful for the Atonement. We are required to forgive ALL men...not those who we want to forgive, but everyone. Some days this is harder than others and I'm sure it's the same for everybody else. No one is perfect at forgiveness, but we all need to be trying harder to be better at it.

I was thinking today that it's almost been a year that my Uncle passed away. Sometimes this is hard for me to think about because it reminds me of my Dad and all that he missed out on... being a grandpa, seeing his daughters grow up and get married and go on missions among other things. We were so blessed to have such a great Dad who loved us and taught us right from wrong. Sometimes you just don't know what you have/had until it's gone. Why does death have to re-set the "importance-o-meter"? Why can't our families be important every day? I do know the answer to that and it's because we're not perfect. I just hope that every day we try a little harder to not only make our families more important, but to show them as well.

This one's for you Sharon!

Sharon has been asking me for pictures so here they are. We had a great time in Calgary. Usually by the 4th or 5th day, I feel ready to go home but I was sad to leave because we were having a really nice time all together. Tanner got lots of really nice gifts and we are so thankful for all the things he got. We are now in full swing for Christmas and getting ready to send out our cards. We went to the Raymond 11th annual old fashioned christmas last night and we had so much fun. We went on hayrides, decorated cookies, shopped a little, got free hot chocolate and dounuts, and went ice skating for free. This was the first year we went and we will be making it an yearly thing for sure. So I think that's all for now. Enjoy the pictures.


Trying out his new skates he got for his birthday
Tanner and his new rollerskates
A blanket I made recently
The new family
The Book Of Mormon cake for his party at my Mom's. I would make it darker blue next time
The emoticon cupcakes for the party at Matt's moms
Tanner and his cousin, Wyatt
A doctor in the making????? Maybe
My Mom made this wreath and put it on my Dad's headstone the night before my Uncle was burried right next to him
My sweet nephew Emerson
The birthday gang
Me and the birthday boy
Having a hot dog roast for his birthday dinner....yum yum
The Crayola Crayon cake
Getting ready for party #1 of 3
Tanner got this crown at School and wore it for 3 days straight.
Shelby and Tanner
Our Tree

Pause

This week has been the busiest week so far of my life that I can remember. Monday night was the viewing of my Uncle. I was the only one of my family that went in. I understand some people don't get the point of a viewing but I do. My Mom had a viewing of my Dad and that was really the first time I had ever heard of such a thing. I did not bring Tanner to it because I just don't know if he really understands death yet. I don't want to over expose him to it but I don't want to keep him totally and utterly sheltered from it because it happens and at some point, I know I'll have to explain it to him.

I did, however, take him to the cemetery on Tuesday. They buried my Uncle before the actual funeral service and I felt like that was something he could handle and I could explain to him in terms that were simple and that he would understand. I think it helped that we went to the cemetery on Monday afternoon to visit my Dad's grave site and place a wreath on it. My Uncle was buried right beside my Dad, which was really nice. Then after the burial, we (my Mom and Amy) dropped Tanner off and went over to the funeral service. It was a beautiful service. Just all around a really nice service. Every one in the whole family was there except 4 of the cousins, 2 of which were my other 2 sisters. Then 2 from the states were missing. Lots of my cousins traveled from distant places and it was so nice to be able to see them.

Anyways, then we spent the night in Airdrie with my Aunt. Today, we were at the Hospital all morning and for part of the afternoon for appointments and then to Erica's to visit and then to my Mother in Laws for a party. So it was a bust day and I am so looking forward to tomorrow when I have only one thing to do...speech therapy.

Tanner has been an angel for the last 3 days. Just really good and patient and loving and just really really great. It just makes it less worrisome for me to know that he's being so good.

I miss my friends and especially Matt right now. BUT...he did have 2 interviews so hopefully something comes of one of them.

I have a feeling this next year will be a year of a lot of deaths. Life can just be so fragile sometimes. I am thankful that I chose to come to earth and have this experience because I know that it will help me to be a stronger person. Death is not the end and I am so grateful for that knowledge. The gospel is true and that's all that matters is knowing the gospel and living it the best we know how through faith in Jesus Christ.

Life is not easy, but it is so worth it.

Some sad news

I will first start with the bad news, my uncle died on Friday from his heart attack. It has been very sad for everyone. He was dearly loved and we will miss him all.

Second, my sister went back into the hospital. She has an infection. She was thankfully able to keep the baby with her so that was a blessing.

And as if that's not enough I just found out that a relative has cancer.

It's been a long week and will most likely continue being a long week but I want to be there for my family and be supportive and be strong. I know my Mom is really sad because it brings back memories of my Dad. When someone dies, the pain never goes away completely, it just gets less intense over the years and less frequent. I am actually good. I am trying to focus on staying calm and doing whatever I can to help. I hate when I offer my services and people say that they will use them and then they never do so I'm really trying to put myself out there. Right now, it is all about just being with my Mom and sisters and making sure they are okay too. I have it kind of good living further away than the rest of my family because I don't feel the intensity that I probably could feel if I lived in Calgary. That's not to say that I haven't cried, because I have.

Anyways, Tanner's birthday was on Friday. What a gem Tanner is. I just love him so much. At church today someone put into words how I feel and she said that she felt she is able to feel a glimpse of how much Heavenly Father loves her by having this little girl. I think sometimes we underestimate how much we are loved by Heavenly Father. I always think "how could I love Tanner any more than I do right now?" How could anyone love anyone so much? It's such an intense feeling and I know that that feeling is only a portion of how much the Lord loves us. Tanner had a great party. He had 5 of his friends over and we had cake and ice cream and played games and opened presents. I didn't want to do anything fancy because we didn't have a lot of money so I thought cake and ice cream is so easy and not expensive at all. I made him this really cute cake. It was a crayola crayon box cake with 3 'crayons' sticking out. I'll upload pictures later. We also went to the show choir dress rehearsal and he loved that. He just loves music. So that was about it. He is having 2 parties up in Calgary and is really excited about them.

So for now, that's all.

5 5 5 5 5

Hmmmm....so I don't really know what to write for my Friday five today. While I think about it, I'll just write. Last week Tanner told me I was his friend and I said of course I was. Then today he told me that he wanted a new mother and that he wanted me to leave forever and not come back. So, I hope that life tips more towards the first and not the second part of that. I almost cried when he said that to me. Whatever...he was just mad that I wouldn't let him dump his dipping sauce all over the table. He'll get over it.

Okay, here's my 5 major accomplishments in life

1. Getting over grieving for my Dad

2. Playing the Piano in Sunridge Mall when I was about 8 years old (I might have been younger, but I was young)

3. Becoming more physically fit.

4. Understanding more about the gospel every time I read my scriptures or prepare my lesson.

5. Being married. It takes a lot of work to become the kind of person that can be married. You don't just get married and things finally are good. It takes a lot of everyday work to be married and stay married and have a marriage. That is what is important is marriage. It's the difference between someone wanting a baby and wanting to be a mother. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Just like there is a difference between wanting or getting married and having and maintaining a marriage. The first is just a physical act and the second is about the principles and development on the act. It's not just enough to do the act to make it meaningful, you have to nurture that act. Like growing a garden.
Okay, I'm sure my point is clear but it takes work to be married. And even though I'm not done at all, I'm proud of the accomplishments I have made in marriage.

To my Mother

When we were up in Calgary 2 weeks ago, I left my camera at my friends place. So she took it to my brother in law that works close to where she lives. Well, then I forgot it at my Mom's this last weekend. Man! I can't even believe it. I have some really cute pictures and this weekend is Grad and so I won't be able to take pictures of all the cute girls I work with who are graduating. I am not very happy about it but what can you do?

We had really nice weather for the long weekend but now it's raining. I really like the rain, but it limits the things we can do. Okay not so much what we can do, but how long we can do it. Tanner nor I mind getting wet in the rain but we can only stay wet for so long. It's a good day to make a nice cup of Hot Chocolate and curl up and read a book or watch a movie. Or have a nice long bath...if you like that. I, for one, dislike baths very much. I prefer a shower to a bath any day.

I am working on making a lot of birthday and baby cards. It is really crazy, but I know 20 women that are pregnant at this very moment. 1 is about to give birth any day and the rest are all due in the next within the next 5-6 months. So needless to say, I need to get on top of the baby cards for sure. I haven't been as good this year about birthday's. I don't know why, but I don't think about them until it's the day before and then I feel bad because it's too late to send a card. Oh well. Maybe it's better late than never.

So that's about all I've been up to.

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I know my Mom NEVER reads my blog but I wanted to pay public tribute to a woman that I love so immensely and intently that words could never do the emotions I feel for her any justice whatsoever. But here's to hoping that one day, she'll come across this.

For my Mother.
I honor you who gave birth to me and cared for me. Who fed me and clothed me and bathed me. Who taught me to walk in the path of righteousness (even though I didn't always stay on that path).
Thank you for staying home with us when we were kids. For letting us rule the backyard and have fashion shows with the towel (they were old towels) and then wash them so we could have them the next time we played fashion show.
Thank you for building an amazing and beautiful Barbie house for us, where we spent many, many hours playing and imagining things. For letting us make clothes out of your scrap pieces of fabric for our Barbies and for not getting angry when we cut our Barbies hair, or cut your craft ribbon to use for whatever we saw fit to use it for.
For feeding us Kraft Dinner. For letting us lick the spoon of the Kraft Dinner you made that had the extra cheese on it. For your song outbursts. For letting us have Russell and Veronica come over every Sunday. For our trips to Utah. For putting together the funnest games ever for the long road trip.
Thank you for letting us eat the Crab Apples off the tree in the back yard. And for letting us soak the lawn under the trampoline with the sprinkler while jumping on it. For letting us know you didn't like when we jumped off the garage roof onto the trampoline, but for not yelling at us when we did. For letting us have sleepovers. For letting us sleep outside in the middle of winter with Dad.
For teaching us that family is what's important. For teaching us about faith and trusting the Lord.
Thank you for never saying bad or unkind things about us or about anyone else for that matter. For teaching us that gossiping is not okay.
For letting us sleep downstairs for a sleepover when Dad had Chemo. For telling us the truth and not letting us think that we would always have a Dad. For being a strength to us when Dad died. For letting us sleep in your room, in his bed after he died.
Thank you for never giving up on me when I was such a terrible and horrible teenager. Thank you for loving totally and purely unconditionally. Thank you for driving me to the orthodontist every month and always playing the same Marie Osmond tape in the van so we could sing to it together.
Thank you for being so in tune with the Spirit that you were able to raise 4 daughters all on your own for a really long time.
I know I've said this before, but I believe that the Lord knew you were such an extraordinary person that we didn't need 2 parents to raise us for our whole lives because He knew that you could and would have enough love for both you and Dad and that you would be able to do it. He entrusted you with us alone after being with Dad for only 14 years and all you have to do is look at all of us to know that you did a great job.
Thank you for believing in us and for never giving up. You are an amazing woman and I hope I can be more like you in many ways one day.

Today is the day....

First off, this isn't suppose to be a gloom and doom post but today is the 17th anniversary of the death of my Dad. Some years I don't really think about it until after, but this year it was at the forefront of my mind more than in years past. I always think about how he's been gone for more than half my life and the things that I have learned from that experience. I think the biggest thing that I've learned is forgiveness. It took me a lot of years to grieve and it was very difficult for me. I did not, by any stretch of the imagination or word, give my Mom an easy time growing up and I was a very, very difficult teenager. Anyway, I won't talk too much about it. There are a lot of periods of time that I have repressed and just recently figured out. It is the weirdest thing to completely not remember something from your childhood and then all of a sudden, the memory comes back. Sometimes in pieces, sometimes all at once.

Today, we went to the school to pick some stuff up for Tanner. He's missed school all this week because he wasn't re-covering very well. Then we went to my Aunts for our weekly Hot Chocolate date. We haven't done that in a while. She was sick, and there was Christmas and Tanner's surgery. So it was nice to go and be able to spend time with her again.

Recently, there was an accident on the highway where a 19 year old girl killed a husband/father in a head on collision. It really got me thinking about how that girl is going to have to live with that weight on her shoulders. I can't even imagine being 19 and being at fault of killing someones husband and father. I feel terrible for the family that lost their husband and father. Maybe that's why I have been thinking about my Dad. I was 11 when he died but he had cancer. It wasn't like he left for work one day and didn't come back. It makes anyone really appreciate a lot more what they have. I just hope that everyone in that situation finds peace and comfort. I'm sure it wasn't an intentional thing and that's what makes it so sad...I think. Someone was just in a rush is my guess and wasn't paying attention. Anyways, enough said about that.

My next question is about marriage. How do you feel about girls that are 18/19 getting married? My Mom has an invitation to a wedding where the girl is still in high school. What are your thoughts on that? Would you, as mother's, allow your 18/19 year old daughter to get married? I personally feel that girls (boys too) need to have some sort of "out of high school, real life" experiences. I think having the experience of a YSA ward is important. Weather it's for 2 weeks or 10 years. There just seems to be a lot of really young girls getting married. For me, I think a good age is 20-25. I know age doesn't really have everything to do with getting married, but are 18 year old girls ready for marriage right out of high school? I know in some cultures, you have to be married really young, but are teenagers now a days more mature than we were who are currently married? I guess every situation is different but I know for me, I would not be encouraging my 18 year old daughter to be looking for marriage right away. I do know a couple of people who were married at 19 or 19 turning 20, and for them, they seemed mature and ready to get married. I think that having life experiences on your own, helps you to get ready to be married. Every girl dreams of getting married, but at such a young age? It feels like people are rushing into something that is a life time commitment. And not only to another person, but you are making promises to God that if you break, is a serious thing. Marriage can be such a delicate thing to navigate. Especially the first few years. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a perfect marriage. No one does, and those who say they do are delusional. Nothing is perfect. You may have a great marriage, but nothing comes without opposition. I love being married and the challenges it gives me and for the growth I experience with Matt, but I know that at 18, I would not have been even near mature enough to commit myself to that. I also believe that my Mom would probably have strongly disapproved. She would have killed me if I even thought about getting engaged at 18. Not literally, but you know what I mean. Anyways, that's my question for today. These are just my thoughts and in no way am I saying that girls who are 18 should not get married, I just wonder if girls who are 18 really realize what they are committing to. I realize with some things in life, you never know what you're getting into but marriage is such a big thing and I wonder if these girls are really taking and thinking about it seriously. Or if they are so desperate to get married. Marriage is not anything like you see on T.V.. It's not even close. People think that getting married or having babies are going to solve or help their problems, but they only magnify them and make them more intense. I think young girls have this glorified perception of what marriage is and that's kind of scary. So I could go on and on, but I'll stop.

That's my "rant" for the day. Watch next week for when we go to Parented Pre-school and I'm sure I'll have things things to say...lol (because like you, Christal, I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to that...lol)