First off, this isn't suppose to be a gloom and doom post but today is the 17th anniversary of the death of my Dad. Some years I don't really think about it until after, but this year it was at the forefront of my mind more than in years past. I always think about how he's been gone for more than half my life and the things that I have learned from that experience. I think the biggest thing that I've learned is forgiveness. It took me a lot of years to grieve and it was very difficult for me. I did not, by any stretch of the imagination or word, give my Mom an easy time growing up and I was a very, very difficult teenager. Anyway, I won't talk too much about it. There are a lot of periods of time that I have repressed and just recently figured out. It is the weirdest thing to completely not remember something from your childhood and then all of a sudden, the memory comes back. Sometimes in pieces, sometimes all at once.
Today, we went to the school to pick some stuff up for Tanner. He's missed school all this week because he wasn't re-covering very well. Then we went to my Aunts for our weekly Hot Chocolate date. We haven't done that in a while. She was sick, and there was Christmas and Tanner's surgery. So it was nice to go and be able to spend time with her again.
Recently, there was an accident on the highway where a 19 year old girl killed a husband/father in a head on collision. It really got me thinking about how that girl is going to have to live with that weight on her shoulders. I can't even imagine being 19 and being at fault of killing someones husband and father. I feel terrible for the family that lost their husband and father. Maybe that's why I have been thinking about my Dad. I was 11 when he died but he had cancer. It wasn't like he left for work one day and didn't come back. It makes anyone really appreciate a lot more what they have. I just hope that everyone in that situation finds peace and comfort. I'm sure it wasn't an intentional thing and that's what makes it so sad...I think. Someone was just in a rush is my guess and wasn't paying attention. Anyways, enough said about that.
My next question is about marriage. How do you feel about girls that are 18/19 getting married? My Mom has an invitation to a wedding where the girl is still in high school. What are your thoughts on that? Would you, as mother's, allow your 18/19 year old daughter to get married? I personally feel that girls (boys too) need to have some sort of "out of high school, real life" experiences. I think having the experience of a YSA ward is important. Weather it's for 2 weeks or 10 years. There just seems to be a lot of really young girls getting married. For me, I think a good age is 20-25. I know age doesn't really have everything to do with getting married, but are 18 year old girls ready for marriage right out of high school? I know in some cultures, you have to be married really young, but are teenagers now a days more mature than we were who are currently married? I guess every situation is different but I know for me, I would not be encouraging my 18 year old daughter to be looking for marriage right away. I do know a couple of people who were married at 19 or 19 turning 20, and for them, they seemed mature and ready to get married. I think that having life experiences on your own, helps you to get ready to be married. Every girl dreams of getting married, but at such a young age? It feels like people are rushing into something that is a life time commitment. And not only to another person, but you are making promises to God that if you break, is a serious thing. Marriage can be such a delicate thing to navigate. Especially the first few years. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have a perfect marriage. No one does, and those who say they do are delusional. Nothing is perfect. You may have a great marriage, but nothing comes without opposition. I love being married and the challenges it gives me and for the growth I experience with Matt, but I know that at 18, I would not have been even near mature enough to commit myself to that. I also believe that my Mom would probably have strongly disapproved. She would have killed me if I even thought about getting engaged at 18. Not literally, but you know what I mean. Anyways, that's my question for today. These are just my thoughts and in no way am I saying that girls who are 18 should not get married, I just wonder if girls who are 18 really realize what they are committing to. I realize with some things in life, you never know what you're getting into but marriage is such a big thing and I wonder if these girls are really taking and thinking about it seriously. Or if they are so desperate to get married. Marriage is not anything like you see on T.V.. It's not even close. People think that getting married or having babies are going to solve or help their problems, but they only magnify them and make them more intense. I think young girls have this glorified perception of what marriage is and that's kind of scary. So I could go on and on, but I'll stop.
That's my "rant" for the day. Watch next week for when we go to Parented Pre-school and I'm sure I'll have things things to say...lol (because like you, Christal, I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to that...lol)
3 years ago
6 comments:
I LOVE YOU MANDY!! Why oh why do we not live closer. First of all I'm thinking of you on this difficult day and so glad we have the gospel so you KNOW you will see your father again. Being a parent, you now have a glimpse of the love he has for you as his daughter and I'm sure he is excited for your eventual reunion one day. Maybe he got to instruct Tanner before he joined your family and told him to be especially sweet to his mom ;>
This young marriage idea is a very "hot topic" and I'm excited to hear responses. I would have to say the same as you as far as if I'd been married at 18 it would probably not have been the best thing for me. However, as members of the Church we acknowledge the power of personal revalation and if my daughter came to me and said she'd prayed about it and felt confirmation that it was the right thing to do then I would have to respect that decision. It would be her mistake to make or her correct choice to abide by. There are worse choices that 18 year olds could make! I admit it would be hard to accept but if it was to the right guy for the right reasons in the right place (cliche I know) and they could explain how they were going to pay their rent (LOL) then more power to them. I think all decisions in life have both positive and negative aspects to them like having kids one right after another or spacing them out. Just different challenges. There are benefits to being a young wife and mother and also different benefits to waiting. Personally I wish there was a way to inform the young women the realities of marriage and the level of commitment and mutual tolerance(!) it requires without completely freaking them out! LOL!
So that's my rant back ;> Love ya-E
I too wish you a big "blog hug" on the anniversary of your dad's passing. He was such a great man. I am honored to have known him for a few short years after we moved here. We have many fond memories of him! We would love to see him again too....of course I would wait my turn in line. : D
I know what you are saying about the young being married. But as members of the church, that is what we have been "directing" our Young women toward their WHOLE life. I know this couple that you are talking about. They are very mature. AND they are getting married in the temple. If my daughter came to me and said that she was getting married in the temple to a return missionary who loves her more than life itself......I would be SO happy. Some are lucky to have found "the one" so soon. I think that would make me happier than if she went out and went through the pain of dating ALL the wrong ones.....you know... Some jerk or two. And sadly there are some even members. That my dear friend is the worst thing a mother gets to watch her dating daughters go through. You'd think the young men KNOW better, eh?
So yes, Mandy....you have hit it on the head. It's all about maturity. My sister was 19 and barely out of high school. Never been away from home. I was 19 and already living on my own for two years. Both the same age. Both at two different levels of maturity. Age really doesn't matter. We both are still married. We both have 6 kids. We both still work at it, just like everyone else. .... Well....maybe age does matter a little in today's society. I think I would freak if my daughter came to me at 12! LOL!
I'm glad my daughter was engaged at least 19 and married at 20. But, to be honest....I couldn't STAND the time ticking by until they got married. That was the hardest part. But who was I to say?
This young couple you are talking about really is ready. She actually only has 4 months left of school. It's not like she is in grade 10 AND she is one of the older ones in her class. She could be just one of those late school starters.
I can see why it would be scary for some mothers too, especially if they are their first one to leave home. But, she is one of the babies. Her mom is an "old hat" at this one might say.
I agree with you Erica....how does one explain to their daughter about the HARD work that marriage takes without turning them off from the whole idea? LOL!
ANd that's my rant. Sheesh! Where did that come from? : D Ttyl.
I just want to say that I don't know the couple in the ward...it's just really hard for me to imagine anyone getting married at 18. Even if you are super mature. I'm not here to judge but to me that seems SO young to get married. I think girls need some sort of life experiences. It's just hard for me to wrap my brain around knowing that any 18 year old girl would be mature enough to know that getting married so young is the right thing. I agree, if you prayed about it, then you follow through...so to speak. Are girls really, truly, and honestly ready at 18 to be married. The real world is not a pretty place. When you have to think about rent/mortgage payments, food, cost of living, I just don't know how young people can understand that. Maybe because I wasn't that mature at 18, it's hard for me to understand because I've never experienced that. I guess my "theory" if you want to call it that, is that if you are really in love, why don't you wait until you are out of school to plan the wedding. Why be engaged while still in high school? Wouldn't that just be a little distracting? What do I know, really? I don't even have a daughter and might not ever have one. It just seems so bizarre to me that girls would marry at 18. So, thanks for the responses so far. Keep them coming
Oh good point to bring up Mandy! Love it.
"Wouldn't it be distracting to be engaged in High school?" How's that for a bench mark? Perfect.
If you are distracted.....you are not quite mature enough yet. If you are NOT distracted....then go for it. You are ready. Yup! She is definitely ready. So was I. I remember my mom running here and there and always asking me questions about the wedding. I was studying for finals and doing final projects and never even gave the wedding reception hardly a thought at all. LOL! My poor mother! ANd to make matters worse.....our professor gave us an option....we could lose 10 pounds that year instead of doing the final project......guess what I picked? You guessed it! I picked the easy way out of a project. Not only did I lose 10 pounds... I Iost 15.....JUST AFTER my mom finally stitched each and every pearl into the bodice of the dress she made me! (Like I said...it all just wasn't on my mind.) Boy was she livid! She had to unstitch and start all over again. The dress never did fit my shape as nicely as it did the first time, but I didn't even care. Too funny. My poor mother. I sure learned a lot of what I must of put my poor mom through when I "wore her shoes" this past summer. *sigh*
Hey - here's a hug and some love!
Interesting question about marriage. First i have to say that I think each situation is unique, and just like everything else, you can't paint everyone with the same brush. So while I think being engaged while still in high school is CRAZY, each to their own. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and still waited until I was 21 to get married and I am SOOOO glad. I even think I was mature when I was 18, but there were a lot of experiences I had to have and I had a lot of growing and learning to do. I do think that the culture of our church puts a lot of pressure on people - especially girls - to get married, as well as glorifying marriage. I understand that having a family and being sealed are a pretty big part of the gospel, but the divorce rate in the church is just as high as it is in "the world" and there's a reason for that. Personally, the people I know who are divorced got married too young, or didn't really know the person they were marrying, or just simply were not ready to make that kind of commitment. Too many girls get married because they think it's this big romantic thing that everybody is doing. And just to be clear - I am not disagreeing with Lynn, but just because someone is getting married in the temple - that does not make it right. In a lot of situations it makes it worse. And again - not disagreeing with the precious comments, just putting the other side out there - I am not sure an 18-year-old girl has the spiritual capacity to fully understand their own personal revelation, especially when it comes to something like marriage. Let me explain - again, I think I was pretty mature at 18, and I prayed and prayed about whether or not the guy I was dating was "the one". (He was a non-member at the time - leaving me with some serious issues to deal with.) I still don't think I ever got an answer the way that some people describe their personal revelations. There was no voice, no lightening, not even a really strong feeling. After years of prayer and after he joined the church and after I had already made my own decision, it just didn't feel wrong. And after 6 1/2 years of marriage, I am perfectly happy and in love and know that it is right. That could just be me, but I had a big spiritual something when I was about 18-20. A crisis of faith maybe? OK, now I'm just babbling. Those are just my thoughts and experiences. I wish there was some way to teach YW about the beauty and importance of marriage without glorifying it, or pressuring them to get married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at 27 - in fact, nothing wrong with not getting married at all - if you never find the right guy! And those women should never feel like they are somehow doing something wrong spiritually. But I'm a little bit of a "liberal" mormon, if you will! :)
And you thought you wouldn't have anything to post about...
Love ya Mandy!
oops - just realized i typed precious comments instead of previous comments. That makes me sound really lippy and rude!!! No insult meant - just a typo!!!
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