So Thankful

How much do I love Matt????

SO very much!

Today after I semi-complained that it's really hard for me to come home on Tuesday and Wednesday's after work and try to run the house when he could do most of it during the day while he's home, what did he do??? He shoveled the walk, made a deliciously yummy chili for lunch, washed the kitchen floor, cleaned up the living room and tided up.

I am so thankful for Matt. He is really and truly my soul mate and he is always there for me.

When he's sick (he has a bit of a chronic cough and it acts up sometimes...that's his "sick") he sleeps on the couch so that he doesn't keep me up all night with his cough

He makes lunch for Tanner and I pretty much every day of the week

He is seriously THE BEST Dad EVER!!! He plays with Tanner and takes him to school in the morning when I've gone to work. He takes Tanner to appointments when I can't. He meets Tanner after school at his classroom to see how his day was and say goodnight (Matt works until 11pm at the school). He is the best story teller ( I do not have the talent in the least). He goes to Tanner's student led conference. He builds Lego with Tanner. He rubs his Tanner's leg's when they're sore/hurting from growing...apparently I don't do it right/like Daddy.

Matt teaches me to slow down and not rush so much.

He cleans the bathroom like nobody I've ever seen. He cleans it even better than me sometimes(it takes him 30-45 minutes but he does it).

He takes care of Tanner and I when we're sick. He gets us drinks and soup and switches DVD's so we can stay in our warm bed.

He gets up with Tanner in the night if Tanner has a bad dream or needs a drink (I had my night's when he was a baby and Matt slept right through crying and acid reflux vomiting etc.) I do get up with him if Matt doesn't, but Matt usually jumps out of bed before I wake up.

He buys me treats from the gas station. I'm not really a big flower person...I'm more of a chocolate or slurpee treat kind of person.

He always is happy to go to the Temple together

He did a really good job at surprising me on our date last month. He did a great job and we had a lot of fun

I don't know who else would/could be so patient with my antics/craziness...lol. He's really very, very patient

He never judges me

He says I'm perfect and that he loves me for all that I am...craziness and all.

I am really thankful for Matt.

What are you thankful for?

I frequently get asked "What is Tanner's Diagnosis?". I don't mind telling people because I feel like if by my story I can help someone deal with something in their life, then I've made some sort of difference. Some people don't really know what a cleft looks like and I just want to make it clear that ALL clefts are NOT the same. He also has a 'condition' called craniosynisos...essentially what this is is that the bones in his head fused together prematurely and and he had to have his head cut open and have his skull re-shaped (thereby creating the necessary space for his head to grow properly). He also was only born with one working kidney. He has a couple other things but those are the major ones.

So why am I writing about this??? Well because not just today but every day I look at Tanner, I am so profoundly grateful for the miracle he was and continues to be in our lives and the lives around him. It really amazes me what medicine has been able to do for him and will continue to do for him to help him be as 'normal' as possible. He started off like this:







and now he looks like this:







I am grateful for modern medicine. Tanner has had over 5 surgeries in his short 7 years of life and will have more surgeries down the road but I don't worry about it because I have faith and trust in not just the doctors and their knowledge, but in God. And I KNOW that it is because of Him that Tanner is still here and with us.

I am grateful for the town I live in and love so much. Calgary was great for the time being but it is no longer where I belong or call home.

I am thankful for the gospel and the knowledge it provides and for the strength and comfort it brings.

I am thankful for Christ.

I am thankful for jobs that provide not only what we need but things we want as well (not EVERYTHING we want, but we don't have to scrimp as much).

I am thankful for my life and for living in the time that I do. Although the world is so worldly and there is so much temptation and bad I am grateful that I didn't have to walk across the plains.

I am grateful for health. This is really important and although some days I wish that my body would function the way I want it to (read:get pregnant), I am grateful for the blessings my health allows me.

I am grateful for the earth and the beauties of it. I am easily captivated by fall and all the beauty it brings. There is almost nothing more beautiful than fall.

I am thankful to be alive and be able to learn and grow and choose to be happy.


Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

If my life depended on it

I could not fall asleep last night if my life depended on it. I lay awake with random thought going through my head and the song " I could have danced all night" from the movie My fair lady. I watched it and LOVED it! I love watching all the old movies that my Mom loved when I was a kid and I thought they were so boring. Like Casablanca, and Breakfast at Tiffany's and Singing in the Rain.

Anyways, I am thankful for so much lately. For being able to go to the pool as much as I want with Tanner. We love the pool and it's a great place to be on a hot day like today.

I am thankful for being re-connected with my friend from childhood through our blogs. She was my first best friend and I actually slept at her house the night my Dad died. I remember her and her Mom talking to me about what had happened and that they were there for me. It was such a huge comfort to know that my friend was still my friend even though my Dad had just died.

I am thankful for my amazing husband who this last Sunday carried my heavy church bag to church while we walked to church because I was careless and got a sunburn. He is so thoughtful and constantly does little stuff like that for me.

I am thankful for my sisters. My sisters are a huge part of my world and I love them a lot. I think about them daily.

I am thankful for my friends who are amazing and forgiving and kind to me. I have the best group of friends anyone could ask for.

I am thankful for Christal's blog. She is so uplifting and I hope my blog will be more like hers and that I myself can be more like her. I think she is an amazing person and she is so grateful for so many things.

I am thankful for my Mother who always has such great advice. Just this week I was asking her how do I encourage Tanner to say other things in his prayer other than the 3 things he always says every other time he prays. So we've tried a different tactic and it's been working pretty good. She's so smart!

I am thankful for the Bible. I love the Bible. I have been studying it this year and am thoroughly enjoying it. The stories are more personal to me as I read them and I love that I can apply the principles into my life.

I am thankful most for the gospel and for the Savior. I can see the difference it makes in a persons life and am grateful that I have the blessing of both in my life.

Anyway, those are just some of the many things I'm grateful for this week. My life is not my own. It belongs to the Lord and I hope that I can do the things that He wants me to do and live a life that honors His name.

First

I went to the pool yesterday and got burnt because I didn't wear sunscreen. I am paying for it today BUT I'm going back to the pool tonight with one of my best friends and kids. I will wear lots of sunscreen tonight and just continue to nurse my burn with aloe vera gel. Matt and Tanner on gone for their father/son camp out and left at 1:30. I don't think most people are even going to be there until 4 or 5. Oh well, more time for them.

I just wanted to let those of you know who commented on my last post that I did respond in the comments as well.

Tanner has his surgery date set for August 31st for his ear tubes. HOORAY! He'll have them in before school starts. That makes me so happy. He'll even be able to do an additional swim lesson in August so that will be good too.

We're having a great summer and loving every minute of it. I'm hoping to get our Internet back soon (at our house) so I can post some pictures but we'll see.

I am so thankful this week for so many things. I feel over flowing with thanks. I have amazing friends who are strong and who I love so much, and I have family that I am especially thankful for too. I try to always be thankful for my family and friends because they are important to me, but sometimes I know I take them for granted.

Anyway, that's about all for now.

Have a great weekend!

Lies for good

This month has been an amazing month! I turned 30 just a little over a week ago and boy this year was a gooder. I told my family back in the fall that I wanted a surprise party because I had never had one before. My Mom said it would be up to Matt to plan that and when she said that I thought "well, I guess I'll never have a party then". Matt's not the best at keeping things like that from me. At least I thought he wasn't. Turns out, he was very secretive and was colluding with my best friend to throw me a huge surprise 30th birthday party. Man, I was totally surprised.

I was told that the Bishop wanted to meet with Matt and I and I was really worried because I really love my calling. Anyways, we got to the church and the Bishop asked us to help him count chairs so they could take them over to the stake center to set up for general conference the next day. When he opened the door, there was all my dear friends (minus a few) to surprise me. It was amazing. Of course I cried because first, I was in such shock/terror that when we entered this dark gym, there was everyone yelling surprise. It's a good thing I don't have a heart condition. Then to realize that my best friend and Matt planned this for me was indescribable. I can't believe that they would do that for me. I felt and still feel so undeserving. The family that I use to Nanny for had driven down to be there and that was a huge honor and surprise. We also had a pinata which was really fun.

Then as if that wasn't enough, my Mom and Aunt came down on Thursday night (the 9th) and when we went the next day for lunch, my sisters (minus Melany) had all come down to surprise me because they had planned their surprise before Matt and Susanne had and couldn't make it down for the first party. Then we had Easter after lunch back at home. And this weekend, my MIL is coming for Matt's birthday and next week, my Aunt is taking my to lunch. So it has been, to say the least, a wonderful birthday.

I feel so grateful for the friends I have made in the last 2 years in Raymond and for the friendships that I have kept with old friends. I just can't express how lucky I feel and what joy I feel for the friendships that I have and am continuing to make. This was truly a birthday I will never forget.

Tanner has learned to ride a 2 wheeler with training wheels. I don't think it will be long before he rides the bike without the training wheels. He is cuter than ever and is a bit more sassy now than he was a few months ago. He gets more of the "Tanner...!" warnings now where we just say his name and he knows. He is seeing the same chiropractor as I am and I am really happy that the doctor is so good with Tanner. He talks to him and asks him questions. Tanner isn't always the best with some doctors and so I am relieved that he is good for Dr.Bridge. I hope he'll be the same when we go to the dentist next month. I took him with me last month so he would see what was happening and I really hope that helped him and prepared him for his turn in the chair. He was a mess last year and I hope I was able to lessen the anxiety for him this time. I think it's important to show children that we do the same things and that it's not scary. I use to not take Tanner because it was inconvenient and I didn't want him to run around but now that he's a bit older, I can usually get him to stay with me.

Anyways, I can feel that summer wants to come. It has been pretty nice out lately and that's always a plus because then we can be outside without getting cold.

Things are going well for us right now. I have no complaints and I like that feeling. I feel at peace with life and my environment. That sounds so lame, but I don't know how to explain it. I just feel contentment.

So that's all for now.

Pause

This week has been the busiest week so far of my life that I can remember. Monday night was the viewing of my Uncle. I was the only one of my family that went in. I understand some people don't get the point of a viewing but I do. My Mom had a viewing of my Dad and that was really the first time I had ever heard of such a thing. I did not bring Tanner to it because I just don't know if he really understands death yet. I don't want to over expose him to it but I don't want to keep him totally and utterly sheltered from it because it happens and at some point, I know I'll have to explain it to him.

I did, however, take him to the cemetery on Tuesday. They buried my Uncle before the actual funeral service and I felt like that was something he could handle and I could explain to him in terms that were simple and that he would understand. I think it helped that we went to the cemetery on Monday afternoon to visit my Dad's grave site and place a wreath on it. My Uncle was buried right beside my Dad, which was really nice. Then after the burial, we (my Mom and Amy) dropped Tanner off and went over to the funeral service. It was a beautiful service. Just all around a really nice service. Every one in the whole family was there except 4 of the cousins, 2 of which were my other 2 sisters. Then 2 from the states were missing. Lots of my cousins traveled from distant places and it was so nice to be able to see them.

Anyways, then we spent the night in Airdrie with my Aunt. Today, we were at the Hospital all morning and for part of the afternoon for appointments and then to Erica's to visit and then to my Mother in Laws for a party. So it was a bust day and I am so looking forward to tomorrow when I have only one thing to do...speech therapy.

Tanner has been an angel for the last 3 days. Just really good and patient and loving and just really really great. It just makes it less worrisome for me to know that he's being so good.

I miss my friends and especially Matt right now. BUT...he did have 2 interviews so hopefully something comes of one of them.

I have a feeling this next year will be a year of a lot of deaths. Life can just be so fragile sometimes. I am thankful that I chose to come to earth and have this experience because I know that it will help me to be a stronger person. Death is not the end and I am so grateful for that knowledge. The gospel is true and that's all that matters is knowing the gospel and living it the best we know how through faith in Jesus Christ.

Life is not easy, but it is so worth it.

Learning my lesson..always : )

Since I posted, I have actually felt a lot more peaceful. I am feeling better about life and I am learning some lessons. One lesson that has been the biggest theme of my whole stinkin' life is to keep my mouth shut. Recently some things happened at work and it's C.R.A.Z.Y.! to say the least. You know, I think wherever you work, you'll always find people who you don't get along with and things you don't agree on and rules that you don't understand and people that are...for lack of a better word...annoying! Or that communication lacks. But you just try to do the best that you can and that you know how to get the job done.
One thing that happened was that a couple of the girls intentionally did something that they knew would annoy, or upset, or whatever you may want to call it, the weekday opener. When they told me about it, I thought "whatever, at least it wasn't me". But then I realized that it was kind of mean what they did. And they totally didn't feel any re-morse about it or even feel the littlest bit bad. And today, I thought "you know, that was actually really mean". I don't know if it's just because of the small town we live in or if it's just at work, but it's like a gossip mill and I have started to just keep my mouth closed...for the most part anyways, and try and stay out of things and just make sure that I do my job and not let the other workers problems or frustrations get to me.
I'm trying, or at least hoping and going to make an effort, to turn over a new leaf and just not talk about other people. Not just at work but in my everyday life...unless it's of course mentioning something really great that someone did for me etc.
Maybe it was the opportunity to go to the Temple on Friday that helped me to have this desire. Maybe it's that I'm just actually feeling better about life for the time being. Maybe it's because I am consciously making the effort to choose to just be satisfied and sometimes happy about things. Or maybe it's because Matt's Mom is here and it's a nice distraction. Or maybe it because I am actually feeling really blessed about things right now.
I know I could be way worse off...and trust me there are moments, still, that I think we are in the worst situation ever, but at the end of the day when I lie next to Matt (or just get into bed beside him as he's already asleep), I am grateful that he is my husband and that we get to be parents to a precious little boy who we love so much. And that he is worthy to have the Priesthood. And I am grateful that I have really amazing family and friends who I know love me and I really truly and honestly don't know how I could ever go on without their support...in addition to Matt's and the Lords. And I'm grateful at the end of the day to be alive (although a couple of times this week I felt like it would be better if I had a heart attack and died or got in a car accident or a car hit me) but at the end of the day, I am actually grateful to be alive. And I'm glad that I'm imperfect and have sins because that just means that as I get stronger, I'll get better and better in the ways that are important. And I'm glad that I don't try to be perfect or even make it look like I have a perfect life. My life is perfect for ME and that's all that matters. Not saying that I think my life is perfect because it's not. But we're all flawed and I'm okay with that. Just like when I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I have baby fat (let's be honest, it's blubber) and I know I'll probably never get rid of it unless I have liposuction, but I don't care because it represents something that is so special to me. I know that kind of weird to say that blubber represents Tanner, but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. Tanner is not blubber. I'll just say that right now. I know I'm not skinny...I really do need to loose some weight, but I'm working on it. My life, my body, my spirit...they are all works in progress and will be until the day that I die and that's why I'm glad I'm not perfect or try to appear perfect. Not that I think I or anyone should flaunt their flaws all over, but it's okay to be honest and say that you made a mistake. Or that you aren't perfect. How boring would life really be if we were all the same or even all very similar. We all have different ingredients to add to the pot...so to speak. And that variety just makes life a whole lot better.

To my Mother

When we were up in Calgary 2 weeks ago, I left my camera at my friends place. So she took it to my brother in law that works close to where she lives. Well, then I forgot it at my Mom's this last weekend. Man! I can't even believe it. I have some really cute pictures and this weekend is Grad and so I won't be able to take pictures of all the cute girls I work with who are graduating. I am not very happy about it but what can you do?

We had really nice weather for the long weekend but now it's raining. I really like the rain, but it limits the things we can do. Okay not so much what we can do, but how long we can do it. Tanner nor I mind getting wet in the rain but we can only stay wet for so long. It's a good day to make a nice cup of Hot Chocolate and curl up and read a book or watch a movie. Or have a nice long bath...if you like that. I, for one, dislike baths very much. I prefer a shower to a bath any day.

I am working on making a lot of birthday and baby cards. It is really crazy, but I know 20 women that are pregnant at this very moment. 1 is about to give birth any day and the rest are all due in the next within the next 5-6 months. So needless to say, I need to get on top of the baby cards for sure. I haven't been as good this year about birthday's. I don't know why, but I don't think about them until it's the day before and then I feel bad because it's too late to send a card. Oh well. Maybe it's better late than never.

So that's about all I've been up to.

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I know my Mom NEVER reads my blog but I wanted to pay public tribute to a woman that I love so immensely and intently that words could never do the emotions I feel for her any justice whatsoever. But here's to hoping that one day, she'll come across this.

For my Mother.
I honor you who gave birth to me and cared for me. Who fed me and clothed me and bathed me. Who taught me to walk in the path of righteousness (even though I didn't always stay on that path).
Thank you for staying home with us when we were kids. For letting us rule the backyard and have fashion shows with the towel (they were old towels) and then wash them so we could have them the next time we played fashion show.
Thank you for building an amazing and beautiful Barbie house for us, where we spent many, many hours playing and imagining things. For letting us make clothes out of your scrap pieces of fabric for our Barbies and for not getting angry when we cut our Barbies hair, or cut your craft ribbon to use for whatever we saw fit to use it for.
For feeding us Kraft Dinner. For letting us lick the spoon of the Kraft Dinner you made that had the extra cheese on it. For your song outbursts. For letting us have Russell and Veronica come over every Sunday. For our trips to Utah. For putting together the funnest games ever for the long road trip.
Thank you for letting us eat the Crab Apples off the tree in the back yard. And for letting us soak the lawn under the trampoline with the sprinkler while jumping on it. For letting us know you didn't like when we jumped off the garage roof onto the trampoline, but for not yelling at us when we did. For letting us have sleepovers. For letting us sleep outside in the middle of winter with Dad.
For teaching us that family is what's important. For teaching us about faith and trusting the Lord.
Thank you for never saying bad or unkind things about us or about anyone else for that matter. For teaching us that gossiping is not okay.
For letting us sleep downstairs for a sleepover when Dad had Chemo. For telling us the truth and not letting us think that we would always have a Dad. For being a strength to us when Dad died. For letting us sleep in your room, in his bed after he died.
Thank you for never giving up on me when I was such a terrible and horrible teenager. Thank you for loving totally and purely unconditionally. Thank you for driving me to the orthodontist every month and always playing the same Marie Osmond tape in the van so we could sing to it together.
Thank you for being so in tune with the Spirit that you were able to raise 4 daughters all on your own for a really long time.
I know I've said this before, but I believe that the Lord knew you were such an extraordinary person that we didn't need 2 parents to raise us for our whole lives because He knew that you could and would have enough love for both you and Dad and that you would be able to do it. He entrusted you with us alone after being with Dad for only 14 years and all you have to do is look at all of us to know that you did a great job.
Thank you for believing in us and for never giving up. You are an amazing woman and I hope I can be more like you in many ways one day.

I miss Tanner

Sadly for me, and happily for Tanner, my Mom took Tanner up to Calgary on Wednesday until we get up there on Saturday for the work bee. As soon as they drove off, I started to cry a little and got all my card making stuff out so I could focus on something else. But it's very unusually quiet and I'm not enjoying it all the time. Some of the time I am, but not all the time. I haven't even gotten to talk to him today yet : ( Ahhhhh....oh well.

BUT! Matt and I treated ourselves to sugary, no good for you in any sense of the word, eat until you can't stop cereal. Matt chose Corn Pops and I chose Fruit Loops. Mmmmm...I'm going to have a bowl for supper (like I did last night) when I'm done blogging. I know, it's not the best supper but who cares...we're livin' it up at our house! Sleeping in, eating all the crap we want, being totally selfish. But I do miss my little guy.

I have been able to make 8 cards so far. It usually takes me about 45 minutes to make one from picking out the card I want to make, to picking the colors, to deciding what ink, what technique, where to apply what to the finished product. A lot of people think it's easy and quick, but if you want a nice card, you have to put some thought into it and take the time to make it look good. Plus embellishing it is the hardest for me. I never know how or what to embellish it with. Buttons? Ribbon? Brads? Embossing? It can be a lot of work to think of cards to make. I'm thinking of taking them over to the new quilt shop here and seeing if I can sell them there.

Anyways, that's what we've been up to. I just want to say a HUGE thank you to all of those who have been praying for us and helping us with leads. It has really helped and we can feel the power of the prayers on our behalf. It is so appreciated and we are so grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Until later (if I don't make more cards) or next time....

At a loss

Here's where we're at, for those of you wondering and actually praying for us because I know you care and love us.

First just a disclaimer, this post will have hints of bitterness as it is still very fresh and raw in emotion as I write this.

On Friday night at around 6pm, Brham (Matt's loser boss) calls him and tells him that he has a job opening in Calgary and that he wants Matt to take it. Matt then proceeds to tell him that he would not be moving back up to Calgary with his family but that he would consider commuting for the week. Then Matt gets told that Brham is pulling the second truck out of here because there isn't enough work for 2 guys down here. So basically that if Matt doesn't take the job in Calgary that he's going to have to let him go. Action Auger is a very shady company because the boss is a very shady person. So anyhow, Matt led me to believe that he was going to go up there and just work...because he didn't say otherwise and that was the original plan was for him to work this week and then look for a temporary job in Calgary. So I cry for 30 minutes feeling at such a loss and like our hands have been tied. How in the world could Matt find a job in 2 days with it being the weekend???? AGHHHH!!!! I deeply dislike this guy.
So I go off to work totally stressed out about it. I know...I've been stressed out more this month than I have in my whole life. BUT on the good side, it's just a constant stress and not like a huge stress all at once. When I was in grade 10, I had the beginning of ulcers because I was so stressed out. Like a huge brick just dropped on me. This has been building so it's not quite as intense. Anyways...
Matt and I, I'll admit this because we are not perfect, had a very heated discussion on the subject before I had left for work. It was after the call and before I cried and went to work that this conversation took place. So, when I woke up this morning, Matt was getting ready to leave and I asked where he was going because he told me the night before that he wasn't going to go into Lethbridge and apply anywhere because he had applied everywhere I could. Then when I asked straight out if he had applied at and fast food places or gas stations, he said he hadn't because he was going to use them as a last resort. When I asked if he thought that this was a last resort with the information we just got, he said he didn't think it was. So needless to say, I was really upset and just went and cried.
So this morning, he said that he was going into Lethbridge to apply at some fast food places and some other places. I was laying in bed and thankfully he didn't see my face because I rolled my eyes. Matt, I love him sooooo much, is one of those people that you could try to convince him of something realistic and completely sensible until you're blue in the face, but he'll always disagree until he has thought it over himself. It could take him a few months to actually come back to you and say "you know, I think that's a great idea and it really makes sense". He's a thinker and most of the time, that's great, but sometimes, it's NOT!
So we got into a discussion (a calm and rational one) about how we were out of options. Matt said we could just live on EI and I was like "no" etc etc. I keep telling him that unless he goes to school and gets a career, he's not going to be making tons of money...UNLESS he gets into trades which take him away for 12-18 hour days. So then he says something that I will never forget as long as I live. He told me the reason he keeps wanting to find something that will allow him to be at home with his family is because he wishes that his Mom and Dad were there for him when he was little and he wants to have that for us. I was totally shocked! Matt's Dad was an alcoholic and left his wife and kids. He's really come a long way since then, but Matt never really had a relationship with him until we was about 17 or 18.
So I told Matt that he was already a better father than his father had been to him. I told him that I knew that he would never leave us and that he isn't and never will be an alcoholic.
So, long story short....I know, too late, there's a guy in our ward that has a lawn mowing/landscaping business and told Matt that he'd give him his clients because he doesn't have the time to have the business anymore. So Matt is going to look into ride on lawn mowers and do that. He also had a very promising interview at McDonalds, which is a day shift (10 hours a day) but he could do that and then do lawn mowing when he came home. When he had his interview and East Side Marios, they really wanted to hire him there but he needs days because it would be very difficult for me to work days.
So I'm really really really hoping that this works out. It's a little bit of a risk but we don't feel like it's an unreasonable, dangerous risk.
There is no way that we would ever move back to Calgary. I would never put Tanner in the schools up there. I would home school him before I did that. I know the school system down here is much better and I've heard a lot of really good things about it. I know there's a lot of competition and not everyone is going to treat Tanner kindly, but at least I know he has a fighting chance here to have some sort of normalcy. And with the community being very highly populated with members, I know it will make things a bit easier. Clearly all Mormons are not perfect and some get into a lot of trouble, but my theory is; strength in numbers. We'll see how that works out.
So anyways, that's where we're at today. Thank you for all the comforting words and all the prayers. If worse comes to worse, we'll just have to live on welfare.

Until next time...

Waiting

First, to my 3 winners on my blog, I am working on the prize but it might take a week or 2. But I promise it will be worth the wait. And NO, it's not cards. It's something better.

Next week Matt will be in Calgary for his job and I'm fine with that except for at night. I am so afraid to sleep without him in the house that I may not even sleep at all.

Here's a little unknown, recent thing that has been happening to me. I have been having these attacks. I didn't really know what they were at first but then when I was talking to my friend, Suzanne (because I had one the second night we were down in Great Falls), she said that it sounded like I was having anxiety attacks. Probably because I wasn't in my own home. It made total sense to me until 3 nights later, it happened again and the second time, it was really kind of scary. Why? Well because it happened at home while I was laying in bed and it really took a toll on my body because I was shaking for a good 20 minutes before it stopped. I haven't had one since, but I'm really nervous that it will happen while Matt is away. I can't go with Matt because I have work and Tanner has school. Plus I have some other commitments that I have to be here for. I remember when Matt worked at Budget rent a car, there were a couple of nights where he took cars to Red Deer after work at 7pm and didn't get home until 1 or 2am and I stayed up until he was home. I can never go to bed before him because then I don't sleep as well. So, I guess this will be a trial run to see if I can handle him working in Calgary if he gets a job up there. He'll be working but he's applying at other jobs while he's up there because we've run out of options and we're quickly running out of money. I'm working 6 nights a week to try and keep some sort of income coming in, but they are not giving him hardly any hours. With only having heard back from 4-5 of the 2-3 dozen places he's applied, we are quickly running out of choices. I have a little bit of faith that things will work out but I'm not really sure I understand why now?
Anyways, enough about that. That is the ongoing saga of my life at the moment *rolling my eyes*. I have 'word vomit' that I will write on a piece of paper when this is all done and then throw it out and I'll be done with it.

So I'm back with my 5 for Friday. This week, I'm going to post what I'm most looking forward to in the next 3 months.

1. Sitting with my feet in the pool, reading, while Tanner plays and splashes.

2. Tanner taking swim classes and Gymkidz

3. Bike riding

4. Matt getting a job

5. Canada Day Parade and activities. We went to the Parade last year but then we didn't do much else because Tanner had a bladder infection so we had to stay close to home. This year, I'm looking forward to maybe going to the stampede here in town.

OH!!! I almost forgot. The number one, most important thing I am looking forward to is Barbecuing! I can not even wait. We are going to have great ones this year. Maybe we might even have a big BBQ with our friends. We were a bit snobbish last year and didn't really have anyone over for one. Maybe because we didn't really know that many people last summer. Or maybe because we didn't have lawn furniture. We only have a couple of chairs, but I guess people could bring their own. So, we will be doing A LOT of that so if you're in this neck of the woods, come on by for some good barbecuing. Matt is a very good barbecuer.

Because I missed last week, I'm going to also write 5 things that I am really grateful for right now. Yes I'm actually grateful for thing...even though it sounds like I'm not. I really am. I'm just trying to keep things in better perspective.

1. For Matt being home. Yes, I realize this is a bit of an oxymoron, but I'm grateful for the time we've been able to spend together and grow closer.

2. For Tanner's accpmplishments in speech and other areas. This makes me enourmously happy.

3. For food storage. I'm glad that we have somewhat of a food storage supply. It's not anything big, but it's enough for us to get by if we need it and lately, we've needed it.

4. For Love. For the Love of my family, for the Love I feel from the Savior through the blessings he gives me each day to make each day a better day than the one before. For loving me enough to bless me with a knowledge that I will learn from this present experience. For loving me enough to keep me safe wherever I go. For loving me enough to open my eyes and mind to things I am studying in the scriptures, for filling me with knowledge...even if it is just a little bit at a time.

5. For my life. In a world where people seem to be dying so young, I am sooooo grateful for my life on this earth. I actually look forward to getting old because I know that each day that I live, will be a day to try to be better and gain more knowledge and make that day better than the day before. It's like when you are on a really great ride and you just want to stay on and the ride operator keeps giving you another turn on the ride even though maybe you yelled that you wanted to get off, at the end of the ride (or the day), you look forward to the riding the same ride and overcoming whatever fears you have of it. Or looking forward to the joys. Or going on it and seeing (or learning) something new.

Anyways, that's all for now.

5 more today!!

Today my 5's are thank you's I owe BIG TIME! They are past due and so I just wanted to write them here.

1. Thank you to Matt (who I know actually doesn't even know I have a blog of my own, he just thinks I read other people's blogs) for doing the dishes and looking after Tanner and for loving me and making me laugh when I needed it the most this week.

2. Thank you to Sharon who lets me come over to her house 4 days a week to run on her treadmill. You have NO IDEA how much that means to me to be able to have someone be so generous. It's probably not a big deal to you, but it is a huge deal to me to be able to get exercise. So, thank you so much

3. Thank you to Suzanne for letting me hang out with her all the time and for all the chats we have.

4. Thank you to the people who post comments on my blog. It makes me feel and know that I'm not doing it in vain. A special thanks to those of you who posted comments on my last post and all your well wishes and amazing compliments. I never think that anyone ever looks up to me as a mother because I always look up to other mothers and never think anyone looks up to me, so thank you for the beautiful compliment. I was just having a "bad mother" day and today has been much better.

5. Last but not least, Thank you to Tanner's Primary teacher for being such a great teacher and loving Tanner and blessing his life by what you do. He really loves you and talks about you a lot. Thank you.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I acutally feel like a human today and not a nose blowing, peeing machine. I did a 6 maybe 7 minute run outside to get my mind and body united with each other to prepare for the race on Saturday. That sounds really lame...but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. I just wanted to feel the rough ground terrain under my feet and feel the fresh air on my face and try and imagine what it is going to feel like on Saturday. Okay, so that's it for now. Maybe more later, we'll see.