Interesting...

I came across THIS article and found it interesting because it's a cultural thing not a scriptural thing. What are your thoughts?

Who would we think....

I saw this on Christal's blog and it really goes along to what has been on my mind a lot lately.

WHO WOULD WE THINK IS BEAUTIFUL IF SOCIETY DIDN'T TELL US WHO IS BEAUTIFUL

because reality is: the majority of us
have some love handles, maybe some chunky thighs, a bit of cellulite,
a muffin top , some back fat
healthy relief society arms and some of us aren't blessed with super sonic speed metabolic burning bodies... and....
{of course that doesn't mean we can't dream, train and achieve,
a healthy body and image} but...
truth is most of us don't look like the super models splashed everywhere we look and the clothes they wear and we buy....
we'll still never look like them,
fact is photoshop and airbrushing, magazines, plastic surgery, exploitation of women..... makes us feel like we have a standard to live up too that isn't even close to reality,
a very twisted perception on what is beauty
truth is sometimes no matter how much we exercise and eat right we'll always want to be something else...never good enough in our own eyes there will always be I wish I could lose ? lbs or I wish this was and I wish I could be...... on and on whatever it is for each of us.. instead of just being happy .....
If we worked on our inner package of perfection more than concentrating so highly on the outer package and got rid of the judging thoughts on ourself and others..... the self loathing..... the low self confidence and esteem ...........
as much time as we stress over and about our outer package of perfection..which is never attainable to begin with... things might be different if we focused more on what we teach our children.... its whats inside that counts when that starts happening things will change on the outside too.


People get so competitive about things and it really bothers me because you know what? In REALITY, in ETERNITY, none of us are better than anyone else. Nobody's children are or will be cuter than the next persons, no one is prettier than the person next to them, no one is smarter in all ways than the person next to them...we all have different abilitlies/strengths/traits that make us who we are. Just because what we percieve someone is better at doesn't make them better than us. Comparing ourselves to other is, to me, competition in a small sense and who want us to compare ourselves to each other???? It certainly isn't the one being that should matter most.
We are all equal in the eye's of God and that's all that should matter.

And we don't know everyone's circumstance. Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean they are lazy and eat crap all the time. It's possible that they have a very real medical condition. Or what about the person who is super thin...maybe they don't work out at all. We can never be too careful about looking at other people and making judgement calls in our minds about them.

We are all beautiful in our own ways and that's what people should try to look at. Not at what they don't have or wish they have that someone else has. I heard someone say not too long ago that if we could walk in another person's shoes, we would beg for our own shoes back.

Be grateful for what you have now because that's what matters most.

XYZ

What have I been up to that is worth sharing???? Not too much. Working, working, cleaning, working, working...oh and a little bit of sleeping and a sprinkle of eating.

Our Stake boundaries changed on Sunday and guess what??? I'm NOT in the same ward...yeah...it's bittersweet. I've been told that we could probably stay in 2nd ward because our new house will be built in it and WE ARE moving in at the end of May. On the other hand, I do feel like because the whole process is a prayerful thing, obviously the Lord knew what was going on and if He really intended on us being in 2nd ward with the changes, it would have happened. PLUS, I feel like what if in that short 8-10 weeks we are in our new ward (5th, by the way) we are supposed to be there because we're supposed to help someone or someone is going to help us. It's kind of a though call but I'm pretty sure we'll go to our new ward. I know that may mean we miss out on callings for a while but it's not forever. When I was pregnant with Tanner, I didn't have a calling for a little over a year. I don't feel like I suffered or that I wasn't of any service to anyone.

Nothing is set in stone so we'll see how the week plays out.

No house pictures this week yet. They've just pushed the dirt this week so far with the weather being snow all week so far.

I'm really grateful for all the great people I meet at work. I was especially grateful today as I had a really nice visit with one of the patients. Everyone has such interesting stories and and life experiences.

Anyways, that's about all for now.

My life in photo's

Birthday traditions:

I always make a fun cake for Tanner's birthday. For my own birthday growing up my Mom always let us pick what meal we wanted and the cake. We also got breakfast in bed for our birthday.







Tanner got this and the ladybug cake for his 3rd birthday. This one was for my side of the family's party and the ladybug one was for Matt's side of the family's party.





This one was for his 4th birthday party with our families here.




This one was for his 4th birthday with his friends





This is Tanner's cake for his "friends" 5th birthday. I found it in a book



This Book of Mormon cake I made for the Russell party




These emoticon cupcakes were made for the Collins' party.

Please DO NOT get me started on the absolute ridiculousness of having 3 parties!!! I did it mostly to please both sides of the family and let me tell you, it will NOT be happening again. This year was so full of...(word vomit).





This was for his 6th b-day

We had ONE party and it was pure bliss.

I already know what I'm going to make for his cake this year. It's not a piped cake and for some it's a weekly "challenge". It's going to be easy and that's what I'm about this year.


I do remember my 12th year of high school was the only year I was at school for my birthday (my b-day always fell during spring break) and I really wanted a balloon-a-gram. My Mom got me one and sent it to the school. It was the funnest thing. I remember my 16th party. I had a huge party (it was the first year after we had turned 12 that we were allowed a co-ed party). It was AWESOME! And my 18th was pretty sweet too. The best birthday was my 24th because the day before, I found out I was pregnant. That was the best gift ever!

We usually try to be all together for our birthday's. It doesn't always happen but we try.


One thing that defines me:

there are lots of little things that define me and who I am. I am not just one thing. I am NOT defined by my role as a mother, or a wife, or a daughter, or a sister, or a friend, or a co-worker, as much as I am defined by what I believe in. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints defines, by my own choice, who I am and what I want to become.

It's a hard knock life

Here's my problem that I'm facing right now and I've been pretty ho humming about it all week because I can't seem to let it go for some reason. Usually within a few days of something happening, I can let it slide or I realize I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

First, on Saturday night when I was putting Tanner to bed, he had a toy in his hand and I took it away after I told him it was bed time. What he did...I honestly can't even believe he did this, but he punched....no, not even just a hit, but punched me right in the face! It's the first time that I have ever felt my initial response should be to hit him back but I DIDN'T! I looked him straight in the face and said "Tanner, that is not okay to hit. It's not nice and I don't like it." Then Matt went in and talked to him. Lately, he's been acting out a lot more and acting, and I hate to say it, but it's true, but a spoiled brat. I know he's spoiled more than I'd like him to be and I know that I contribute to that, but so do other people.

Anyways, so I was telling my Mom and older sister this and she (my older sister) said "Well, I guess you better stop spoiling him and change your parenting". I then said that it wasn't just Matt and I but her and Mom and everybody else and this is her response to that "well, we're not going to stop spoiling him because that's what Aunt's and Grandma's do"

WHAT!!!!!!!

I couldn't even believe it.

So Matt and I talked about rules and consequences and these are what we came up with.

1. No hitting-consequence is no special treats, no play dates, no special outings, no extra movies for 1 week.
He can watch his normal up to 2 movies a day but we won't rent a movie or get a movie from the Library as something special.

2. No yelling- consequence is going to room until he's ready to talk nicely. We decided that this is a natural consequence to be removed from where he can yell at people. I've actually told him that if he's going to yell, he can go in his room at yell at his animals and toys if he's frustrated but it's not okay to yell at other people.

3. listening- The consequence for not listening is no movies for 1-2 days. Depending on the severity of not listening will determine how long he goes without movies. For example; if he ran out on the road after we warned him 2 times not to, that would be a 2 day non movie consequence. This one is a bit tricky because if he didn't listen when asked to pick up his toys, the natural thing we'd do is take his toys away. Or if he didn't eat his supper, then he doesn't eat. Or if he doesn't put on his p.j.s, then he'll be cold in the night, etc. We just find that if he's not doing something that we are trying to teach him, if we warn him that we'll take away his movies, he usually will be more willing.

So here's the problem, even though I know that Matt and I are ultimately the parents and we have talked about these rules for not just Tanner but all of us, do you think that the 1 week consequence is too severe for hitting?

When I told someone about this today they said that they thought that having stuff taken away is a little extreme for a 4 year old.

We just don't know what else to do. How do you teach someone not to hit when they continue to do it? And what's the "natural" consequence for hitting someone? I'm at a loss here because I've never even babysat a child that had a hitting problem.

And then the other thing is what if he hits in that week that he's lost privileges? Do you make it longer?

I really need some help because I'm so frustrated and feeling completely and utterly incapable of being a good parent and teaching him that these things are not okay.

Maybe there are other factors in my feelings of total inadequacy as a person in whole. Maybe because it's that time, or maybe because I had a really crappy time in Calgary (except when I was at Jamies), or maybe because I really am failing right now in life. Maybe because Matt told me last night that he really wants another baby, maybe because I feel like I can't catch my breath for a minute, maybe because I wish Matt could find a job that he actually would get hours for.

My Mom use to have these days every once in a blue moon that she called her "mad Bill days". She just got mad inside because my Dad is gone and wasn't there to help her co-parent and be the support that she needed. Well, I like to call my days "mad at life" days. And that's what I'm having is a mad life day...okay, it's a mad at life week.

I just wish the world could stop for just a minute for me to find my bearings again. I'm really worried about my sister going to Europe for 6 weeks with a friend. I don't know why, but it really worries me. I'm very concerned.

Okay, so this wasn't meant to be a "feel sorry for me" post. I just really need some suggestions on the hitting and consequence thing. That's all.

On a positive note, I DID get my running shoes today, which I am SOOOOO excited about. These are them:









**Don't forget, if you haven't already, to post a comment on the pay it forward post if you want to win something.

Until next time...

Fly protected car

Yesterday as I was looking for Tanner's tent thing...which can I say has been VERY successful last night and it worked...he had climbed in the car. Normally, this is totally fine and it doesn't really bother me. We played in the car when we were kids and we were perfectly fine so I don't worry about Tanner when I can see him right there. It beats trying to chase him around keeping him in the yard and not wandering down the street. So all of a sudden I smell something. My dear, lovely, Sweet, kind, considerate, gentle Tanner had sprayed insect repellent (which was still in our car from summer) in the car on the dashboard and on the back window. At least no bugs will come in our car. The car has been airing out during the day with the windows fully open. What a lovely treat...lol.

I was thinking today, what makes a good blog post in which people comment a lot. Is it a lot of friends or connections? Is it interesting things being said? Is it just the day? Maybe the length of the post? I seem to post a lot but don't get as many comments. Why is that I wonder....am I too honest? Am I too abrupt? Do I not write well? Am I boring? Are people afraid to comment? To me, it doesn't matter if I know a person or not, if I think they posted something that I think about to and or have an opinion on, I'll post a comment. I usually tell them, if I don't know them, how I came across their blog or who I know that knows them. Are YOU afraid of posting a comment???? I wont' bite, I promise. And it doesn't even bother me if you have something to say that contradicts what I post. I like to know who my readers are.

On another note, a lot of people have posted about Sterling Low. It made me realize just how big of an impact a young person can make in the world. Not just him, but all of us. Those who know the Low family have nothing but kind, loving, thoughtful, generous things to say about them. I keep thinking over and over the line in the Hymn "tho hard to you this journey may appear, all is well, all is well...". What a blessing it is to know that the Lord loves us enough to have provided the Plan of Happiness for us and the knowledge that we can be with our loved ones again. The Lord will never leave us comfortless if we but turn to him for comfort and peace. I hope and pray daily that comfort and peace will bless the lives of everyone in the Low family. Having gone through something so tragic is a very difficult thing. I think a lot of people think of the parents, siblings and wife first, but it's important to remember that he was a nephew and soon to be uncle, a grandson, a cousin and friend. I think sometimes those people get left behind when someone dies. I hope that everyone in the family, immediate and extended, feel that comfort and love and peace. I know that he must have been a very valiant servant to have been called home so early. There is a greater work for him on the other side, and tho it is difficult to see or understand the big picture sometimes, it is a blessing to know that we will all see each other in the next life. I can't wait for that day to see the people that I love that I've lost. What a joyous day that will be.

So, I think that's all for now.

Be thou learned

Today I have realized that I am in a very hard learning curve in my life. It is not easy at all and I feel and know that I am being tested and humbled greatly right now and it is so very hard at this moment in my life. The lessons that I am learning right now are as follows:

1. To be patient. Especially when it comes to being patient with the Lord. I am having a super hard time with that right now

2. That I need to let go. I need to let go of feeling like I'm burdening people if I ask them for service, especially when they offer that service...like babysitting Tanner when I need to go to work. This has been an especially hard thing for me these last 2 weeks since I've had to be working 4-5 nights a week and Matt isn't always home when I need him to be. I just always worry that I am infringing on other peoples lives when I have to leave him somewhere for an hour...or the one night I had to leave him for my whole 4.5 hour shift until closing at 12. Thank goodness for a wonderful, understanding, caring friend who saved my life at that moment. I need to stop feeling so guilty.

3. I'm learning that feeling heartache for something that is a blessing to someone else, still doesn't get me the thing that I wish I had so badly.

4. What I thought once would be a sensitive subject, isn't. I realize that I was worried about Tanner being accepted into a normal life by other people but he really is. People genuinely think that he is a cute boy. I use to think people just said that so they didn't hurt my feelings but I realize that people truly mean it when they say that he is cute or adorable.

5. Whoever said being a mother is equal to having 2 full time jobs was wrong! Being a mother is easier right now that having to work part time. It is EXHAUSTING! Fun, but very tiring. I guess I was blessed to have such a great, independant child. Don't get the wrong idea, I do stuff with him and play with him and take him places but if I need to have a quick 30 minute nap, he plays on his own for that little bit of time. Quite often when we are watching a movie, I'll fall asleep for half of it and then my body always seems to know when it's the end because I always wake up at the end. Weird. I know, I'm such a slacker...napping. I guess that's a blessing that comes with having an only child.

Those are the things that are at the forefront of my life right now. It's a lot for me. Plus there is always things that happen within a family, plus it's the holidays. So that's about it for me right now. I'm just ho humming along right now.

Well, I should go to bed now.

This is a gooder

Last week in our package of weekly flyer's came the Toys R Us Christmas catalogue. I really haven't had a chance to look at it because I can barely take it away from Tanner long enough to get a good look at it. Well last night when he went to bed at 7:30 I decided I was going to waste time looking at it. I had to laugh at some of the things in it. I will share with you some of the things I found quite funny.

First a digital photo frame with a remote control. So now when your guests least suspect it, you can switch the picture and they think they might be crazy because they are sure there was a different picture there 30 seconds ago but are too embarrassed to ask so they keep quiet. Then later in the evening, there's another picture there...how did that happen??? Mmmm....I wonder.

A nintendo DS game called "Master Chef". Unless it can actually cook gourmet food in real life, I'm not interested. Who comes up with these things?

Digi Glam Makeover. You can change your hairstyle, make up and accessories. It has a built in digital camera so you can give yourself or friends a makeover. I'd like a makeover at least once a week so will it actually do it in real life? What is the purpose of this thing? So you can look different every 20 minutes? To see what you could potentially look like. Show that to your Mother when you want green hair and see what she says.

Roboquad. This is an actual robot with mulit-directional movement capabilities, advanced sensory awareness and advanced movement control. Do I need to even say anything about this one? Could people get any lazier?

Remote control dragon Fly or Bee. Now there's more ways to annoy your parents and siblings with a flying bee/dragon fly that flies inside or outside of the house. Awesome!

Thomas Whistle Lounger. With real "chugga chugga" sounds and train whistle. Wheels really turn. So while watching your favorite show, you can have train sounds and move your "lounger" around. Sounds like fun to me.

Girl Crush Hair Streaker. Now little girls can streak their hair any color they want, whenever they want.

Society has become bombarded with toys of all sorts. Some of them are useful/helpful and even fun. But then there are some of them that I wonder "how can a company get away with such random toys/things?" Like it's a competition to see who can make the neatest, coolest, funnest item. I remember as a child, we didn't have many toys. We had tons and tons and tons of Barbie's and Barbie clothes and accessories. That's pretty much what we all got (except Melany) for Christmases. We had other toys, but not that many. My Mom and Dad and Aunt built us this huge massive Barbie house to play in. Just ask anyone who ever came over, they can attest to how big this thing was. It was a 9 room house that stood about 5 feet tall and 6 feet wide. It had real carpet and wall paper in it. There was even a room or two with lino. It was the sweetest house. We played a lot of house and dress up and store when we were kids. We didn't have the latest and greatest in toys. It makes me realize how spoiled children (including my own) are these days. Why does every child you have need a T.V. in their room? Why does a 6 year old need a Nintendo or Sega or Wii? What happened to good old fashioned imagination and crafts. Lego, trains and dinosaurs for boys and barbies and dress up for girls? In the summer time, we were rarely found inside the house. We ran through the sprinkler, played on the slip and slide, jumped on the trampoline, had fashion shows in the backyard, rode our bikes. We hated to go inside and now, you can't get a kid to even think about leaving the T.V. or the game they're playing. The latest thing I've seen is grade 6's having cell phones, texting their friends. Why in the world does a 12 year old need a phone? Where is that child going that they feel they need a phone? What happened to carrying .25 cents...well, .35 now.

I have also come to realize that I am very much a simple kind of person. When we get a house, there are maybe 2 things we are going to splurge on...a shower head that is one of those super huge ones and Matt wants this type of toilet that has 2 different kinds of flushes. One for small jobs and one for big ones, if you get my drift. But it doesn't really matter to me if I have the latest style of kitchen cupboards, or even a dishwasher. My feelings and theory is that if it's functional, why pay mega bucks on something that is just the style. If it's not broken don't fix it. If it's less expensive and still functional then why not save the extra money. That is my thinking on the subject.

Anyway, that is it for now. I should get back to my catching up that I need to do. Plus I need to make bread because we are on our last half a loaf. I refuse to buy bread, now that I know how to make it and it's probably cheaper to make it. But it's a weekly job that has to be done. So, I'm off until next time.

Match maker, match maker....

I only have about 30 minutes before I have a lady from Tanner's school coming over for a home visit. I was going to clean my house perfectly but then I thought, NO! I have a 4 year old and if she or anyone for that matter, expects me to have a perfectly cleaned house with a 4 year old, they are crazy! I'm not typically a showy kind of person. If you come to my house in the middle of the day and it's messy, oh well. If I know you are coming over, I will 99% of the time clean it so it looks nice for when you come. I would have made the beds (which I am SO SO SO bad at doing on a daily basis), picked up the toys in the bathroom, done the dishes, wiped off the counters and table. Some days are better than others to do that stuff. If we make a big mess at the table, I wipe it off but if it's just a little bit, I think, "ah, I'll do it tomorrow". I use to be way better at keeping it nearly perfectly clean on a daily basis but now, I have Christmas projects to work on and service to give and bread to bake and school to take Tanner to and other things. Maybe that will be my new year's goal is to be in a better routine to do that stuff on a daily basis. Plus, we are not a very dirty family. With Tanner and I just home, we don't make a big mess. Maybe I'm just lazy. Lately, it's not what's important to me. Plus, I rarely get people showing up at my house to hang out or pop by for a visit. I have a friend that we go over to each other's houses at 10-15 minutes notice, but that gives me 10-15 minutes to improve my house a little bit.
I know of people and have been to people's houses where every time I go over, their house is perfect. Not a thing out of place. This seems a little weird to me. How do people get their house to be perfect all the time? Especially if they have kids? I could understand if you had older kids and they helped to keep it clean by putting their coats away and not leaving their shoes in the doorway, but if you have little kids, how do you motivate or teach them to keep their toys in certain places so they aren't all over the house?
I'm not even sure why I lack the motivation to be a better housekeeper. My house isn't dirty...please don't think that. I just don't mind if there are a few dishes in the sink or on the counter, of it I haven't vacuumed for 5 days, or if my bed is unmade (you can ask my Mother this, I have NEVER been good at making my bed), or if there are toys in the living room. We certainly don't live a pigsty, but some days, I feel like there are more important things. I do get the things done within a day or two, but I'm not an immediate, get it done right now or you'll think about it for the rest of the day kind of person.
So that's my opinion on that for today.

We had a huge sign up last night that said we had no candy (we are watching our budget and candy wasn't in it this month) and we had a group of teenagers come and knock on our door regardless of the sign. We didn't even bother opening the door. I thought it was kind of funny. Only teens would ignore the sign and do it anyways. We took Tanner to a few houses, even though he was sick and we weren't going to take him but he was really upset when I said no and I didn't think that a few (4) houses would kill him. He had fun for the short time and we got a couple of cute pictures.

My Mom sent him a package in the mail last week and she sent one of those garbage bags with the pumpkin face on it. So we filled it up with leaves for FHE and he was pretty happy about that. It's really cute.

Well, I think that's it for now. Until next time....

What's in a name?

I really should be either going to bed or reading my scriptures right now but I have had this thinking evening while Tanner napped that I knew I didn't want to forget.
I was thinking about names. Specifically a persons last given name and what it means. What does a person's last name mean to them? I feel that it is a really important thing about who a person is. When you're younger, I don't think that a lot of us understand or think about our last name. It's just a name...right? Wrong! Your last name has a lot to do with, weather you want to believe it or not, what other people think of you or treat you. Like if you were a Hilton, you could be expected to be treated in such a way because of your money. For me, it's about having a good, honorable, honest, faithful upbringing. People who know my family expect or hope that because my Dad and brother's and their parents made a name for themselves by being a certain type/kind of people, the offspring of that name will be similar. If my Dad, or let's say even us as children, were rebellious and proud and did bad things then we wouldn't have a very good reputation. And if you want other's to look at you or hear a certain name, you hope they think or say good things about you and your family. I, personally, didn't understand it why I felt expected to uphold a certain reputation when I was a child or especially a teenager. But now I do. Here I am, 20 years later and I get it. Sometimes things like that just click or it's like a lightswitch went on. I love when that happens. I hope I am making sense in what I am posting about. Sometimes you do feel like you are being watched or judged but at least you know that people care enough about weather or not you do good things. It is sometimes hard to feel like your life is like living like a fish in a glass bowl. But on the flip side, people want to know who they can trust. I feel bad for the way that I acted as a teenager because I know that it didn't bring honor or truth to my family's name. I want to be able to live a life so that people hear my name and they know that I am honest and trustworthy. It's the same with being children of the Lord. We should be living a life so that we are not disgracing His name. We need to be living with honor and dignity and honesty and everything that goes along with those qualities.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that out there. Night time is when I do my most thinking and then when I go to write about it the next day, I forget what it was that I wanted to write about. So, I think that's it for now.

Thinking

So I was thinking today about why we are here where we are in life and all the things that have gotten us here. What it ultimately comes down to is being happy about the choices that are in front of you and the goals that you set. I think some people doubt or question why we are here or if we are really happy. Those of you who know me and my family know that despite normal family challenges and trials, are generally very close. I would even say very close at points. But we have been brought up and raised to be kind and considerate and loving and friendly to not just those around us but each other. Our family has been through many MANY trials and challenges and heartbreaks. Losses, marriages, babies, among other things. But all in all, we are friends (with effort from some) and we love each other and would do just about anything for each other. Even though we all have different opinions on some things and the same on other, ultimately it's about being a forever family that counts and that's what really matters to all of us. So why then, would Matt and I "uproot" our own family and move 2 and a half hours away from the people we claim (and actually do) love more than anything? How could we bear to be away from them and not see them as often? It's easy for me because for so long Matt and I have wanted to move to a small town to raise our child(ren). We never wanted to stay in the city forever and my family knew that. I believe that there was A LOT of doubt about us ever moving away or this far away at first but we kept talking about it and it finally happend. I prayed about it and it wasn't more than a week later, we found a place in Raymond because we had to move out of the place we were currently residing in. I am literally living mine and Matt's dream. It happened a lot sooner than we planned, but we could not be happier about the decision to move here. It certainly hasn't come without it's own challenges but in the eternal perspective, this is so worth it. And I keep saying this and I'll keep on saying it, we are so happy down here. It is the best decision we have made for us. I have not, for one moment wished that we didn't live here. I love visiting Calgary to see my family and friends, but you could not pay me enough to move back up there. Even Lethbridge. I want to live in a small town, not a small city. I say the same thing about the U.S. There is no way I would ever live down there. There is not enough money in this entire world that would make me change my mind. It's nice to visit, but I would not ever live down there. When Hell freezes over, then I would live there. There would be no way we could afford medical coverage for us and Tanner, plus it's too crazy there.
I love living here and I love that I get to stay home with Tanner. That's so important to Matt and I. I feel for those of you who have to leave their children in the care of others. I can't imagine leaving Tanner to be raised by someone else. I understand that for some, it's the only way to make ends meet. I get that. I don't need a bunch of back lash because people don't think I get that. I do! I think that it's selfish of people who leave their kids in the care of others because they want the money or they don't want the responsibility of raising their own kids full time.
I had a lady I worked for years ago before I was married that lived like this and it really bothered me. I was basically a mother's helper so she could nap when she wanted (she had a newborn) and go to yoga or power walks. I cooked, cleaned, picked up her kids and dropped them off at school, groccery shopped for her. I just don't get people like that. It seems like having money is more important than being the best parent you can be. We all have bad days, I know that. But to resent that you have to be responsible for doing these kinds of things because you can't do what you want, when you want is totally unreasonable to me.
I worked after I had Tanner but I was so imensley blessed to be able to take Tanner with me. I was so fortunate and lucky. Not everyone has that. I wish more people did.
Anyway, I was just thinking about how blessed Matt and I are to be where we want to be and have such wonderful people in our lives.
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to go. I get to have supper with Tanner AND Matt because he's home today. Yea!!!

Here's a thought

This week has been crazy, busy, tiring...all of it. It went by way too quickly for me. On Monday we went to the Temple with my sister, Megan, and her husband, Dean. They came to our place after and we had a really nice visit. I love when I have people visit. It's so nice to have adult conversations. Plus, I talk a lot so I can talk A LOT! I guess blogging is a really good outlet. Anyway. I've had some really nice e-mails from my cousin and that's been really nice because it's not that often that our family gets together anymore. Why is that I wonder? I think it's because people seem to feel like family isn't as important or that it takes too much time to have a relationship with other people. We use to get together a lot. I loved having reunions and when all the cousins started getting married we'd all go to those. Now there are only 3 cousins that aren't married and everyone else is having kids. I just really love getting together and watching everyone and seeing how everyone is doing. Also, not everyone, even in your own family, has the same ideas. Everyone has their own opinion about certain things. Like this one time, we had this big family gathering out at the family farm in Drumheller and my Aunt was there with her recently new husband. My sister had brought her dog and my Aunt's husband was actually kind of mean and kicked the dog a little bit. He also said some hateful words about my sister's dog and dogs in general. What the heck! We all thought it was pretty un called for. But there's always one in every family. One family that has all the goody goodies, one family that has a broken family and children from different spouses, one family that is large and you can never seem to keep track of how many there are, one reasonably normal family and one that lives too far away to keep a good relationship with. I guess everyone hopes to fall in the "reasonably normal" category but not all do. And it's interesting that as we get older, we see where we might have fit.
Well, here's some really exciting news. Yesterday I made my first ever home made bread from scratch and home made raspberry jam. I was so happy. My Mom came down for a day and a half and she helped me with the jam...it was her recipie. It was my favorite jam in the whole wide world and even still, no one has EVER made better jam than her. I hope that mine turns out as good as hers. I remember her, every summer and fall, making the jam and coming home from school and there were jam jars all over the place and the huge massive pot she had for boiling the jars. And she made tons and tons and tons of jam. We had jam for at least 2 years. She had a massivley huge raspberry patch and we use to have to go out there and pick those berries for what seemed like hours. We were out there every Monday for FHE garunteed and usually 1 or 2 more times during the week. But we all had ice cream buckets and every time we picked, we picked till those buckets were so full you couldn't even squeeze air in between the berries. My Mom would go out every night after dinner and pick the berries. I ALWAYS chose to do the back of the bush where the fence was because no one else wanted to get scratched up. Plus, no one saw me eating the berries. I was actually doing my Mom a favor because if I didn't eat some berries, she would have had more work to do. And that's where all the best tasting berries were. Man was I ever smart! I just have a lot of fond memories over raspberries and raspberry.
It was actually cold enough here yesterday to turn on the furnace. It was nice to get in my bed last night and get down under the blankets and pull them up all around me. I loved it!
Well, I think that's all for now.

Friends

In the last few months I have really given hard thought and consideration to my friends and what kind of friend I am. In the last couple of years I have had some friends that I got offended by and considered them not my friends anymore. But then I realized that part of the problem was me. Instead of being mad and hurt and angry at these friends, I should have talked to them and apologized for my part (because a realationship is ALWAYS 2 ways. It takes 2 to tango...so to speak) in what I felt was the offence. I feel like I've wasted some time on being angry. I am happy to say that I have apologized and tried to make ammends with all these friends but I always feel like our friendship will not be the same. I suppose it would be unfair of me to expect the relationship to be the same as before. It suffered "damage" and sometimes it takes a really long time to heal that. It, I feel, has helped me to be a much more forgiving person. Nobody is perfect so why should I think that my friendships should be perfect. It makes me feel bad that I had to waste time on feeling the way I did when I could have been building up the friendships rather than 'damaging' them. I just hope that these friends know that I truly am sorry and that I really do want to be friends. Obviously we were friends in the first place for a reason. Anyway...
I cleaned today for Matt's co-worker. It was utterly and absolutley exhausting but I know that he really needed it done and I know that he appreciated it. It was a HUGE job! 8 and a half hours of standing, bending, wiping, etc, etc. I did not sit down at all except to eat lunch (which took me 2 minutes) and to eat some yougurt (1 minute). I have not stood that long, consistently, for a really long time. By the end, I could barely sweep the floors it was so tiring. He has 2 houses (right beside each other, thank goodness) and he lives in one and the other one is empty right now because he's trying to sell it. He's getting married in 2 weeks so he's a little busy with getting that together. If I didn't like him or think highly of him, I wouldn't have done the job.
I don't understand or know how guys can live the way they do when they are bachelors. It's SOOOO GROSS!!!! Do guys not know how to clean a dish or sweep the floor or mop or take their shoes off at the door so they don't track in dirt all over the house???? I can't even talk about the bathrooms....I have never, in my life, seen such dirty bathrooms. Guys just don't care, it seems, if their living space is a pigsty. It makes me appreciate married life so much more to know that Matt is capable AND WILLING to clean up after himself. I feel so bad for Matt'sfriend/co-worker because he is NOTa dirty person in any sense of the word. I know he really tries to keep things tidy and moderately clean. It's his house-mates! Obviously he can't clean up after these guys like their mother. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to him. Each person can only do so much. I'm glad that I was taught about cleanliness at an early age and that we are teaching Tanner. I'm glad that it's done.

I have had a bit of a slacker week and have been "lolly-gagging" around. Basically I have just been puttering around and not really been overly productive. I guess over the week I have been, but not all at once like I like to be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little more productive day.

Well, I think that's it for now.

Because I feel so much

We received a phone call late on Saturday night telling us that two 17 year old girls had been in a horrible car accident and that one of them is in a coma and could we please say a prayer and have a fast for them. I can not, even now at this very moment, get it out of my head what that must be like. I can not even fathom what that would be like to get a call or have someone come to your door and tell you that your child has been in an accident. Matt asked me that night if I ever worry about him being in an accident and what I would do and I told him that I think about it and worry about it every single day. You just never know what you are going to do or how you will handle a certain situation unless it happens to you. I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever have, let alone actually be faced with, a child with such unique problems and (as the doctor's say) abnormalities. It really tests you and really, for lack of better words, puts you through the ringer. This incident (the car accident) has brought back, in vivid memory, what I felt when Tanner was born. And not only when he was born but when we found out what some of the complications were going to be. It has really helped me to understand on a much deeper level, what the Lord knows we can handle and that He knows what we are capable of. He puts His trust in us to have faith and trust Him. It really opens up a persons eyes (albeit, they have to be willing to submit to the promptings and feelings) to how loving the Lord is. And, as my Mom always says, it's about attitude. Some people have bad attitudes in life and some have good.
I'll be honest and say that at first when we found out about Tanner, I didn't have a very good attitude but then my friend really opened my eyes and said to me exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Since then, I have always tried to be optimistic (even when I knew a member of my extended family said that they thought it would have be better if Tanner died because of all the complications) and looked at the positive. There were days when he was in the hospital that I didn't feel optimistic for a small moment, but then I got smart and started asking questions and became more knowledgable in what was going on. There were things I had to leave in the Lord's hands. Like when he had to have a blood transfusion at 24 hours old and they had to literally take out 2/3 of all his blood, bit by bit, and replace it with better blood. For me, that was the most hardest, difficult, trying, emotional, uncomprehensible thing I had to deal with ever! Everything after that, was easy compared to that procedure. Even his head surgery, though I was a bit nervous and anxious, I felt like if he could get through having his blood taken out of his body at such an early stage in his life, he would get through anything else. For me, that was the only time that I truly had doubt in anything. And that really taught me a lesson in trusting and being grateful to the Lord.

So enough about that. I could go on and on about that. I've written a 30 page (back and front) entry in my journal about my feelings during that time and what was happening and who came to visit, etc. etc.

I just got the magazine LDS living today (I have a subscription but this is the new one that came today) and they have an article in there about children being responsible for picking up their own toys and this concept of a "gobble bag". Essentially what it is, is a bag that "gobbles" up the toys at the end of the day that haven't been picked up. The "gobbled" up toys are then put away for a week. The author was saying that she has a 3 year old (it could have been a 4 year old, but it was a younger child) that forgot their 'special' toy and it got gobbled up and they didn't get it back for a week. The author said that she thought that it taught them responsibilty to pick up their own toys and that it takes the responsibility off the parents to have to remind their children to pick up their toys. It just seemed like a really odd concept and I was hoping that I could get some feedback/comments/opinions on this. If you've read the article, it's probably more clear what I'm talking about. I just think that to have an inatimate object to 'teach' your children a concept or whatever, is a little weird. Wouldn't it be just as effective if you, as the parent, set the rules and if your kids didn't pick up their toys, you would just say "okay then, I'm going to put all the toys that you didn't pick up away and you don't get them back for a week." It seems to me that it's kind of a cop out on the parents part to be a responsible parent/adult and follow through on the rules. Anyways, feedback would be nice.

Tanner had an emotionally sensitive day today. When I was making him his grilled cheese at lunch he kept asking if it was ready and I said "no, I have to cook it in the pan and then it will be ready". Well after about the 3rd time he asked and I responded in the same way every time, he started to cry. I went over and picked him up and cuddled with him and told him that I loved him and that I would try and hurry because I knew he was probably very hungry. He cried for about 10 minutes and I felt so sad for my little sad boy. It made me want to cry. He's not usually like that. And when he is, it's not for a whole day. It's usually just for a little while like a morning and then in the afternoon he's fine. But today, it was all day. He's such a great little guy.

Well, I think that's it for now.