Being a Mother

My friend said to me recently "You were meant to be Tanner's mother. You are just so positive".

I'm not sure that I or even others consider me positive but I try really hard to be. Some days I still feel like throwing a child/teenage like hissy fit but I usually don't...that would be embarrassing and awkward for all to witness. I feel like I've grown up a lot in the last 9 years. I still feel like I'm 20 but I hope that my attitudes and character don't reflect that.

My sister asked me the day after Tanner was born what it felt like to be a mother. How can a person describe that? How do you describe the tender feelings you feel as a mother? It's really like nothing I've ever experienced. The love a mother feels for her child is like trying to describe what salt tastes like to someone who has never experienced it.

My life is totally full of joy with Tanner. Along with that also comes tears and trials and frustrations but the joy always outweighs the other stuff.

I keep a picture of him when he was first born and hooked on a bunch of cord and such as a reminder of just how lucky we are to have him.

I have to admit that I have random intense moments of fear of losing him. Like last night I thought "what if he gets hit and killed today while walking across the highway going home with his friend"? I just randomly have these kinds of thoughts. I usually just hope that he pays attention in school and that he plays with some friends.

There is never a lack of activity at our house. Tanner always has friends over and I hope that he will continue to do this as he gets older. I love having his friends over. He has some really good friends and I'm so grateful for that.

I love each new stage he gets to. I'm so excited for him when he reaches certain points.

I am sad that he doesn't want me to read to him anymore. He'd rather read on his own. This puts a slight damper (for me) on his bed time routine.

I love that him and I eat leftover spaghetti at least 2-3 nights a week. We are really not fussy eaters.

I love that when we go to subway, he gets a ham sandwich with only olives (I make them put cucumbers on too) and honey mustard and then he pulls it apart and eats the cheese, meat olives and cucumbers. Rarely does he eat the bread.

I love that he know my Mom always has chocolate milk for him at her house and buys some for him when she's at ours.

I love that him and Matt are great friends and that they spend so much time together.

I love that he expects Matt and I to live by the rules that we have as a family. They are family rules...not Tanner rules.

I love that he calls me if I'm not at home when he gets home from school to tell me he's at home and find out where I am.

I love that he loves to read.

I love being his Mom!

What I didn't miss

I was talking to my sister Megan last week about a couple of the things I was thinking about that we kind of missed out on as little girls because my Dad was sick and my Mom was taking care of him (and us too...we just didn't do/have some of the little things that I see my friends' little girls get).

What we gained, though, is so much better and more important. There is no way we would ever let anything come between us, we are loyal to each other, we love each other like no one else, we learned to depend on each other when it mattered and be independent when we needed to be, we learned to get along...even if for some of us it took a little longer, and we always had someone to play with.

Although it can be really hard some days to not think about all the things I wish my Dad were here for, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and the growth I have experienced over the last 22 years after losing my Dad.

My sisters are truly my best friends no matter what.

 

What it takes

I have been thinking a lot lately on a lot of things. Lately I have been pondering "What specific things makes a person my friend and not just someone I associate with or get along with"? This is a multi-faceted question. At what point do you consider someone your friend? Is there a moment you can pinpoint that made 2 people more than just 2 co-existing people?

I think for me, there are different things with different friends that made me consider/think/feel that we were more than just 2 people getting along.
I think everyone probably has their own definition of what a friend is to them.

For example, I enjoy hanging out and associating with many people...especially being in the church, there are many opportunities to interact with different people, but just because I get along with and even like an individual doesn't mean, for me, we are automatically friends. I think a person can be friendly without being friends with people.

For me, being a friend is about spending time together, getting to know each other and creating memories that will last forever.

But is it the same for everyone?

Are we all not "friends" in a sense? Different friends add different things to my life. Where one person adds to my life spiritually, the next might add to it mentally or emotionally or even socially.

For me, my best friends add pretty much all of these things to my life and that's why I consider them my best friends. I feel like I am able to be friends with many people and I am so thankful for that. I feel very grateful for the friends that I do have and the people that love me for me no matter what.

So I send the question to those reading my blog....What makes a person YOUR friend?  


*UPDATE* 
I have discovered that I have lived in a 'box' when it comes to friends. What I saw of my Mom and Dad's friendships, that's what I thought 'friends' were. I have come to the realization that my definition of a friend doesn't need to be so defined. It's like that line on the movie 'Never been Kissed' with Drew Barrymore, "we accept all people". I love that. Why shouldn't I be friends with whoever I want? Age shouldn't limit a person to who a person is friends with. I like all people. If we have a good time together, then let's be friends!