My life in Photographs

Sorry this is late. Life has been pretty crazy around here. Today was a great day. I am getting excited to run the 5k on Saturday. Also, the awesome Raymond parade! The office I work for is doing a float. I don't get to ride on it...too bad. I was looking forward to riding on my first ever float, but maybe next year...

Tanner had a couple of Dr's appointments on Monday. He is 41 and a half pounds! Some of you have children that are younger than that and weigh more, but Tanner is my little boy. He is a smart whipper snapper. He doesn't forget ANYTHING you say and he listens when you think he's not. He has another wiggly tooth, so that should be coming out soon. His tubes in his ears are completely blocked with wax, so it's VERY likely he'll have another tube surgery (it's literally a 5 minute surgery). Hopefully they can get it done before school starts.



My Creative projects:

Remember when I won this
(SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THE MOUSE PICTURE AGAIN)


Well, this is what I made:



It's not on my bed properly. I just randomly took a picture.

Also the following 2 blankets:









You may have noticed that there are 2 different beds in the picture...yeah, he doesn't sleep in either one of those. He sleeps in a fort.







"Santa" also recently made the rag quilt for him for Christmas.

I also make cards, but that's coming in a different post.

Word of the week...

B L U F F

Those of you who are familiar with my life right now, know why this word would be a great word for the week right now. Enough said...moving on...

L O V E

Another really great word right now. The things I love the most right now in life:

-Matt. He made his first loaves of home made bread last week and they were by far better than any I've ever made. He loves me for me and I know some days that can be really hard...it can be hard for me to love me some days ; )

-Tanner. If you had told me 7 years ago that a child could bring a person so much joy and sheer happiness, I'm not sure I'd believe it. It's something you have to experience to understand. Tanner is a very very very bright spot in my life...constantly...even when he's being a pickle, he is my pure joy in my heart. I know that the way I feel for him is only but a small particle of the way Heavenly Father feels for us. That is unimaginable to me...incomprehensible. How could anyone love me more than I love Tanner? I don't know how, but I know it's true.

-Friends. I love love love my friends. They are a strength to me every single day. They are a constant source of forgiveness, understanding, laughter, joy, happiness, and most of all love in my life. I don't have a huge circle of friends. I have but a small handful of friends that I trust with my life and heart and that's good enough for me. I'm not one of those people who needs to have lots and lots of friends to feel good about themselves or to feel a certain way. I know my friends love me for me, no matter what.

-My job. I adore my job. I love getting up and going to work and meeting people everyday. I have amazing employers and I am grateful every day for the opportunity they have given to me.

-My sisters. Word cannot express how much I love those girls. I love them. All my sisters are unique in themselves and there are certain things that I know I can talk to each sister about. For example, I can talk to Megan about marriage and kids because her and I are the only ones with children. It's something we understand with each other. Amy, she is a movie nerd (a good thing) and she can tell me what movies are worth seeing. She is also really good at talking about real life and political, deeper subject...especially the gospel. She is so stinkin' smart when it comes to the gospel. Melany, she has a quiet strength all her own. She listens when you don't think she is and she can make me laugh like no one else can. I love my sister a lot.

-My Mom. What can I really say but good things about my Mom. She is amazing and awesome and loving and kind and understanding and forgiving and patient and charitable and generous and strong and just a really really great person/mom/friend. Sometimes the way I feel about her is too much for me to put into words. The love I feel for her is forever.

-My Dad. Although my Dad died in '91 I still love him and am grateful for all the things he taught me. He was a great great man/leader and I still look to his example.

-My Savior. I love the Savior. Enough said for now.

-Music. I can not live without my music. I am very frequently plugged in. I don't listen to hard stuff. Quite often in the house I play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or Tanner's Children Songbook C.D.'s. Music can change a mood or emotion so quickly and can calm and relax or liven up or make me run faster.

-Time. I love the time that I get to enjoy each day and each moment with the things and people that I love the most.

I just love life!

9 days!

I can't even believe that I haven't blogged for so long! So much has happened and I can't even remember it all...lol. First, I have underestimated my own husband. They had a father son camp out last night and I packed Tanner an ridiculously enormous amount of clothes because I was so worried that he would be cold. Guess what I forgot though???? His rain coat. And guess what happened last night while they were camping???? It rained! So when Matt and Tanner got home, I saw his raincoat and asked if I had mindlessly packed it. Matt said he had packed it! What a great husband I have!!!! AMAZING! I could barely sleep because I was so worried that he would be wet and cold. But my wonderful, amazing husband packed it!!!!! I love him so much!

Second, I lost my job. Not much love is lost...lol. I'm happy but sad at the same time. Happy that I don't have to deal with that high high drama but sad that we won't have the extra money. We'll be okay but it will have to be more careful with our money. It was nice that we were able to have the money for a while because I was able to get the material for Tanner's blanket without feeling like we would have to live on pasta for a while. It's fine. I'm fine. Christmas is coming and so is my birthday...my surprise one.....hint hint!!!! lol.

Tanner started pre-school on Wednesday. He adores it. When I went to pick him up on the second day he said to me "I had a great first day at school". It's so great to have a routine in the morning and actually be able to be highly productive in getting things done around the house.

I also was able to can peaches and pears. It was great. I am so grateful for being able to can and have a wonderful lady teach me how to do it. I thought it would be much harder than it really was. It is time consuming but so worth it! Then last night while Matt and Tanner were gone, I made 9 1/2 quarts of raspberry jam. I LOVE LOVE LOVE raspberry jam. Last year I only made half that so I am ecstatic about this years results.

We are heading up to Calgary this week and I'll finish my quilt at my Aunts. I'm excited to be going up and finish the quilt. I also made a quilt for my sister so I'm going to finish that too. My sister's pelvis is separating so we are praying for her and hoping that her discomfort doesn't last long. It's funny...well, not funny but ironic that both Tanner and my sister's baby were prayed for and fasted for even before they came here. What an amazing blessing to have the gospel and have the Lord on our side.


The quilt/blanket I made for Megan for her baby. We're not sure what it is so it's pretty universal. Also reversible















Tanner's quilt

Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great day and I'll write more soon.

Another one!

So just a few things...

1. As I was checking my e-mail I had an e-mail that read "Can you burn fat while text messaging". SERIOUSLY!? What is wrong with people?

2. Matt got a job! Hooray for him. Hooray for us! I am so so so so so relieved. AND the really great part about it is that I won't have to work so much. I can still have 2-3 days a week working instead of 4 or 5 and we'll still be able to make ends meet. YEA!!! He is working as a labourer with the county of Warner. Doing stuff like fixing fences, filling holes in cement etc etc. It's 4 days a week 10 hours a day. Monday to Thursday, with Fridays off. The job is suppose to be until December. Which should work out perfect because then he'll go to school in January. I'm still crossing my fingers though and not holding my breath. Anyways, so that's good news for us.

3. The yard sale today was a success. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I would like to have everything sold so if by noon or 1 it's not half gone, I'm going to start selling it all for .25 I don't want to have to make a trip into Lethbridge to take it to the Salvation Army. PLUS, I have baking goods. Come on people! Who doesn't love home made baking goods? Buy a cookie or square for .25 At Subway you pay .77 for one cookie. And they're not even home made. Plus mine are for a good cause. We are going to put the money in Tanner's bank account to help to pay for his year at school. That's gotta count for something right??? So please if you live in Raymond, COME TO THE YARD SALE EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR A COOKIE!!!! Tanner even helped make the cookies and he really is trying hard to sell them to people.

4. We had a fantastic Elder's party tonight. It was so much fun!

Anyways, I think that's it for now.

Learning my lesson..always : )

Since I posted, I have actually felt a lot more peaceful. I am feeling better about life and I am learning some lessons. One lesson that has been the biggest theme of my whole stinkin' life is to keep my mouth shut. Recently some things happened at work and it's C.R.A.Z.Y.! to say the least. You know, I think wherever you work, you'll always find people who you don't get along with and things you don't agree on and rules that you don't understand and people that are...for lack of a better word...annoying! Or that communication lacks. But you just try to do the best that you can and that you know how to get the job done.
One thing that happened was that a couple of the girls intentionally did something that they knew would annoy, or upset, or whatever you may want to call it, the weekday opener. When they told me about it, I thought "whatever, at least it wasn't me". But then I realized that it was kind of mean what they did. And they totally didn't feel any re-morse about it or even feel the littlest bit bad. And today, I thought "you know, that was actually really mean". I don't know if it's just because of the small town we live in or if it's just at work, but it's like a gossip mill and I have started to just keep my mouth closed...for the most part anyways, and try and stay out of things and just make sure that I do my job and not let the other workers problems or frustrations get to me.
I'm trying, or at least hoping and going to make an effort, to turn over a new leaf and just not talk about other people. Not just at work but in my everyday life...unless it's of course mentioning something really great that someone did for me etc.
Maybe it was the opportunity to go to the Temple on Friday that helped me to have this desire. Maybe it's that I'm just actually feeling better about life for the time being. Maybe it's because I am consciously making the effort to choose to just be satisfied and sometimes happy about things. Or maybe it's because Matt's Mom is here and it's a nice distraction. Or maybe it because I am actually feeling really blessed about things right now.
I know I could be way worse off...and trust me there are moments, still, that I think we are in the worst situation ever, but at the end of the day when I lie next to Matt (or just get into bed beside him as he's already asleep), I am grateful that he is my husband and that we get to be parents to a precious little boy who we love so much. And that he is worthy to have the Priesthood. And I am grateful that I have really amazing family and friends who I know love me and I really truly and honestly don't know how I could ever go on without their support...in addition to Matt's and the Lords. And I'm grateful at the end of the day to be alive (although a couple of times this week I felt like it would be better if I had a heart attack and died or got in a car accident or a car hit me) but at the end of the day, I am actually grateful to be alive. And I'm glad that I'm imperfect and have sins because that just means that as I get stronger, I'll get better and better in the ways that are important. And I'm glad that I don't try to be perfect or even make it look like I have a perfect life. My life is perfect for ME and that's all that matters. Not saying that I think my life is perfect because it's not. But we're all flawed and I'm okay with that. Just like when I look at myself in the mirror, I know that I have baby fat (let's be honest, it's blubber) and I know I'll probably never get rid of it unless I have liposuction, but I don't care because it represents something that is so special to me. I know that kind of weird to say that blubber represents Tanner, but I'm pretty sure you know what I mean. Tanner is not blubber. I'll just say that right now. I know I'm not skinny...I really do need to loose some weight, but I'm working on it. My life, my body, my spirit...they are all works in progress and will be until the day that I die and that's why I'm glad I'm not perfect or try to appear perfect. Not that I think I or anyone should flaunt their flaws all over, but it's okay to be honest and say that you made a mistake. Or that you aren't perfect. How boring would life really be if we were all the same or even all very similar. We all have different ingredients to add to the pot...so to speak. And that variety just makes life a whole lot better.

I think I need a life

Tonight at work was so crazy! I'm pretty sure that it will continue to get worse through the summer. I had to stay until 12 tonight and from what I heard about last summer, that will be the norm for the summer. It isn't crazy busy but no word of a lie, just as you get a customer's order rung in, another person comes in etc etc. So it's nearly impossible to do any of the closing list until 10-15 minutes before close. Plus, sometimes some of the stuff that doesn't get done during the day because the day people are busy, get's dumped on the night workers so that adds to our load of things to do. It is insane. I'm totally up for the challenge but it may get really stressful. I think they need to hire a person who strictly does back up stuff and doesn't EVER handle customers (making subs) for that shift. Like a runner who just brings us the things we need and works on the closing list. That would be a perfect job. Then we wouldn't run around because we were out of several different things simultaneously. I am sure Glad that I am not the manager of any kind of store. I think that would be almost as stressful as being one of those air traffic control people who have to make sure planes don't crash into each other. It gives me a whole new perspective for managers and owners of stores. I certainly would not be cut out for that at all! lol.

So my friend, Erica, on my last post jokingly said that I should have gone into law. Well, the truth is, when I was little I wanted to be a lawyer so badly. But then as I got older, I realized that I could never represent someone that I thought could in any way be guilty of a terrible crime. And I don't think I could be a judge because "who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly"? I just finished this book that had a lot of law stuff in it. It was pretty good. But the whole time I kept thinking "I could not do that". Anyways, I thought it was kind of fun that she had joked that I should be in law. Plus I would NOT want to go to school for that long.
So, I know I already wrote today but I just wanted to write more...because I have no life...lol.




Here's a picture of Tanner playing in the rain on the weekend.


Until tomorrow or whenever...

Father's Day already?

So Matt and I decided that it was not in our best interest to work for a company such as the one he was with. So we took the truck and everything else back up to the company and left it at that. We both feel really good about it and know that something else will work out. I actually feel happy that we got ourselves out of the situation when we did because I'm not sure how much longer we could have lived walking on egg shells, having this dumb company manipulate us. What a headache.

So in spite of my frustrations, I will not post my personal feelings on this company and or boss because heaven forbid I might be accused of slander and get sued. WHATEVER!!! It's okay for people to complain about Telus or Shaw or a place they got a bad haircut at, but I'm not allowed to say anything about Action Auger because it's different if I said anything that wasn't positive about the stupid company right??? *rolling my eyes*

Anyways, my Mom and Aunt arrived from Utah today and they had a great time down there visiting their sister.

Sisters are so great. I hope that I can have a good relationship with my sisters when I'm older. I mean I do, but everyone in a family has their own differences and issues. I guess that's what makes a family so great is having different characteristics. It's nice that we all just fit together and even though there are things that bug us, that's what makes us love each other more.

It's funny this year because I didn't even think about Mother's Day. For me, it's just another day. I don't ever expect it to be anything overly special. I think because I have such an amazing husband and great son, I feel like most days are Mother's day for me. I feel lucky, every day (yes, even despite the crankiness), to be blessed to be a mother and have the wonderful son that I do. There really isn't a week that goes by that for at least one day, I don't feel special because of something Matt or Tanner does. So to have one day out of the whole year to celebrate motherhood is not really anything spectacularly great. I appreciate it, don't get me wrong, but I think if I had more children and they all did something special just for me on that one particular day, I might feel differently.
And on the subject of Mother's day, how come when it's father's day, the fathers don't get something special in church. I have only been in one ward (the Horizon ward) where they did give out something to the Father's. Why is that? Why are mother's or mother's day, more important than father's? Aren't we suppose to be equally yoked? So if we are equally yoked, why do mother's get a flower, or plant or whatever the gift may be and father's don't? Do people think that father's are less appreciative or deserving of something a little extra? There's always someone saying that a mother works 2 full time jobs, but isn't the fact that the husband provides and works outside the home, equally as important to raising a family? Both are working for the greater good but in different ways. The concept is like washing dishes. There's more than one way to wash dishes. Just like there is more than one way to teach a child about work or whatever the goal is. Life is kind of funny that way.

Anyway, that's my philosophical brain talking tonight.

Until next time...

At a loss

Here's where we're at, for those of you wondering and actually praying for us because I know you care and love us.

First just a disclaimer, this post will have hints of bitterness as it is still very fresh and raw in emotion as I write this.

On Friday night at around 6pm, Brham (Matt's loser boss) calls him and tells him that he has a job opening in Calgary and that he wants Matt to take it. Matt then proceeds to tell him that he would not be moving back up to Calgary with his family but that he would consider commuting for the week. Then Matt gets told that Brham is pulling the second truck out of here because there isn't enough work for 2 guys down here. So basically that if Matt doesn't take the job in Calgary that he's going to have to let him go. Action Auger is a very shady company because the boss is a very shady person. So anyhow, Matt led me to believe that he was going to go up there and just work...because he didn't say otherwise and that was the original plan was for him to work this week and then look for a temporary job in Calgary. So I cry for 30 minutes feeling at such a loss and like our hands have been tied. How in the world could Matt find a job in 2 days with it being the weekend???? AGHHHH!!!! I deeply dislike this guy.
So I go off to work totally stressed out about it. I know...I've been stressed out more this month than I have in my whole life. BUT on the good side, it's just a constant stress and not like a huge stress all at once. When I was in grade 10, I had the beginning of ulcers because I was so stressed out. Like a huge brick just dropped on me. This has been building so it's not quite as intense. Anyways...
Matt and I, I'll admit this because we are not perfect, had a very heated discussion on the subject before I had left for work. It was after the call and before I cried and went to work that this conversation took place. So, when I woke up this morning, Matt was getting ready to leave and I asked where he was going because he told me the night before that he wasn't going to go into Lethbridge and apply anywhere because he had applied everywhere I could. Then when I asked straight out if he had applied at and fast food places or gas stations, he said he hadn't because he was going to use them as a last resort. When I asked if he thought that this was a last resort with the information we just got, he said he didn't think it was. So needless to say, I was really upset and just went and cried.
So this morning, he said that he was going into Lethbridge to apply at some fast food places and some other places. I was laying in bed and thankfully he didn't see my face because I rolled my eyes. Matt, I love him sooooo much, is one of those people that you could try to convince him of something realistic and completely sensible until you're blue in the face, but he'll always disagree until he has thought it over himself. It could take him a few months to actually come back to you and say "you know, I think that's a great idea and it really makes sense". He's a thinker and most of the time, that's great, but sometimes, it's NOT!
So we got into a discussion (a calm and rational one) about how we were out of options. Matt said we could just live on EI and I was like "no" etc etc. I keep telling him that unless he goes to school and gets a career, he's not going to be making tons of money...UNLESS he gets into trades which take him away for 12-18 hour days. So then he says something that I will never forget as long as I live. He told me the reason he keeps wanting to find something that will allow him to be at home with his family is because he wishes that his Mom and Dad were there for him when he was little and he wants to have that for us. I was totally shocked! Matt's Dad was an alcoholic and left his wife and kids. He's really come a long way since then, but Matt never really had a relationship with him until we was about 17 or 18.
So I told Matt that he was already a better father than his father had been to him. I told him that I knew that he would never leave us and that he isn't and never will be an alcoholic.
So, long story short....I know, too late, there's a guy in our ward that has a lawn mowing/landscaping business and told Matt that he'd give him his clients because he doesn't have the time to have the business anymore. So Matt is going to look into ride on lawn mowers and do that. He also had a very promising interview at McDonalds, which is a day shift (10 hours a day) but he could do that and then do lawn mowing when he came home. When he had his interview and East Side Marios, they really wanted to hire him there but he needs days because it would be very difficult for me to work days.
So I'm really really really hoping that this works out. It's a little bit of a risk but we don't feel like it's an unreasonable, dangerous risk.
There is no way that we would ever move back to Calgary. I would never put Tanner in the schools up there. I would home school him before I did that. I know the school system down here is much better and I've heard a lot of really good things about it. I know there's a lot of competition and not everyone is going to treat Tanner kindly, but at least I know he has a fighting chance here to have some sort of normalcy. And with the community being very highly populated with members, I know it will make things a bit easier. Clearly all Mormons are not perfect and some get into a lot of trouble, but my theory is; strength in numbers. We'll see how that works out.
So anyways, that's where we're at today. Thank you for all the comforting words and all the prayers. If worse comes to worse, we'll just have to live on welfare.

Until next time...

Afraid

Hearing about people dying is always a very difficult for me for a lot of reasons. Mostly, I think, becaue it puts my life in perspective and makes me think about what I would do in that kind of situation. Death has always been a very prevelant thing in my life (I know that sounds really horrible, but it feels like people and family members die like flies in my family) and it's sometimes really really hard. I was thinking about this family friend of ours who's son died this last week.

Now before you think I'm wallowing in self pity, please know that I AM NOT. For some reason the situation around the death of this very young person evokes A LOT of feelings.

I thought about what I would do and how my life would be different if that were me. The bottom line whenever I think about death is that I am afraid. Terrified, actually. I, for a long time, have not liked going to sleep because I am afriad I or someone in my house might die when I am asleep. I'm not afraid of death itself...in terms of meeting the Savior and seeing my Dad again, but the reason I am afriad is because:

1. I honestly don't think anyone else could love me as unconditionally as Matt does. I don't think that I have been the easiest person to love and I know that he loves me no matter what and he always tells me I'm perfect to him. I'm not sure my heart would ever be full again without him in my life.

2. I think that I've had my fair share of death in my immediate family. Losing my Dad...well, that's a whole other post which I would never write about because it is such a personal, intimate thing for me that I would never choose to expose my feelings on that to "bloggerland" stalkers.

3. I COULD NOT ever leave Tanner. Now I know what I'm about to say may come off egotistical or arrogant but I'm sure those of you who know me and my life, will understand where it is coming from. I truly don't believe that anyone else in this whole world is as capable of taking care of Tanner or loving him like I do. I don't believe that anyone else could ever truly appreciate the struggles that we have endured to have him here and to get him to where he is and who he is. I just would be sick if Matt go re-married and she was horrible and spiteful or resentful of our experience and journey with Tanner.

4. I am afraid to be alone. That is one of my deepest fears. I just can't be alone. I don't think that I could start over again with the whole dating thing etc. That would be so hard, I think. I'm not very young...I'm not old, either, but it would take more effort now.

5. We can't afford for any of us to die. That sounds terrible, but I don't know how we'd pay for a funeral. So that's my sanity right now is knowing that we can't literally afford for any of us to die.

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a morbid post, I just needed to write down my personal feelings on the situation. This post is a bit more intimate than my normal posts but this is just who I am and what I feel.

On a different note here are a couple of Tanner sayings:

When his friend Shelby came to the door he ran to the bathroom (where I was at) and yelled "MOM, MOM, my girlfriend is here!"

Then later that evening, we were getting ready to go to Cardston to the high school play and he said "Who's going to babysit me while you and Daddy are gone?" and I said "No one is, you're coming with us" and his cute face lit up and he said "I get to come?". He loves going to Cardston and know's it a special place and he loves seeing the Temple. We can tell he's excited to go there already. We take him there for pictures and last year we went for a picnic there. We're going to try and do that again this summer. I think it's a really special thing to be able to take him there. Even if he can only go inside the foyer or on the lawn. He know's it's a special place.

Work was so slow tonight and so I got A LOT done. We have this weekly cleaning chart to do and I did all of it (except 4 things) on Wednesday because it was slow that night too. Well, tonight, I re-did all the things again plus did the 4 things I didn't get to on Wednesday. Plus, I cleaned a bunch of other things too. It was such a nice feeling to be able to get it all done. Sometimes the other girls are not as productive and then it leaves little time to do the extra stuff that could be done if they'd stop chit chatting or texting their friends while sitting around doing NOTHING!. Aghh...there's a reason it's called W-O-R-K people. It's not a slack off job. If you can't mulit-task and chat and work (meaning cleaning) then don't chat. Anyways, enough said about that. It's just that the girl I worked with tonight is like that ALL the time and that's why I think I get more done when I'm working with her because I try to do all the things I know she won't. She usually just watches me clean. Which is fine by me. Okay, now I'm done the work rant for real.

I have an amazing husband. When I came home on Tuesday, he was home and had cleaned the whole house. Plus he usually makes supper now and he let's me sleep in after a night shift on the weekend. He's so wonderful. I just really really really love him.

Okay, so that's it for now. Until later.