Hearing about people dying is always a very difficult for me for a lot of reasons. Mostly, I think, becaue it puts my life in perspective and makes me think about what I would do in that kind of situation. Death has always been a very prevelant thing in my life (I know that sounds really horrible, but it feels like people and family members die like flies in my family) and it's sometimes really really hard. I was thinking about this family friend of ours who's son died this last week.
Now before you think I'm wallowing in self pity, please know that I AM NOT. For some reason the situation around the death of this very young person evokes A LOT of feelings.
I thought about what I would do and how my life would be different if that were me. The bottom line whenever I think about death is that I am afraid. Terrified, actually. I, for a long time, have not liked going to sleep because I am afriad I or someone in my house might die when I am asleep. I'm not afraid of death itself...in terms of meeting the Savior and seeing my Dad again, but the reason I am afriad is because:
1. I honestly don't think anyone else could love me as unconditionally as Matt does. I don't think that I have been the easiest person to love and I know that he loves me no matter what and he always tells me I'm perfect to him. I'm not sure my heart would ever be full again without him in my life.
2. I think that I've had my fair share of death in my immediate family. Losing my Dad...well, that's a whole other post which I would never write about because it is such a personal, intimate thing for me that I would never choose to expose my feelings on that to "bloggerland" stalkers.
3. I COULD NOT ever leave Tanner. Now I know what I'm about to say may come off egotistical or arrogant but I'm sure those of you who know me and my life, will understand where it is coming from. I truly don't believe that anyone else in this whole world is as capable of taking care of Tanner or loving him like I do. I don't believe that anyone else could ever truly appreciate the struggles that we have endured to have him here and to get him to where he is and who he is. I just would be sick if Matt go re-married and she was horrible and spiteful or resentful of our experience and journey with Tanner.
4. I am afraid to be alone. That is one of my deepest fears. I just can't be alone. I don't think that I could start over again with the whole dating thing etc. That would be so hard, I think. I'm not very young...I'm not old, either, but it would take more effort now.
5. We can't afford for any of us to die. That sounds terrible, but I don't know how we'd pay for a funeral. So that's my sanity right now is knowing that we can't literally afford for any of us to die.
I'm sorry that this is a bit of a morbid post, I just needed to write down my personal feelings on the situation. This post is a bit more intimate than my normal posts but this is just who I am and what I feel.
On a different note here are a couple of Tanner sayings:
When his friend Shelby came to the door he ran to the bathroom (where I was at) and yelled "MOM, MOM, my girlfriend is here!"
Then later that evening, we were getting ready to go to Cardston to the high school play and he said "Who's going to babysit me while you and Daddy are gone?" and I said "No one is, you're coming with us" and his cute face lit up and he said "I get to come?". He loves going to Cardston and know's it a special place and he loves seeing the Temple. We can tell he's excited to go there already. We take him there for pictures and last year we went for a picnic there. We're going to try and do that again this summer. I think it's a really special thing to be able to take him there. Even if he can only go inside the foyer or on the lawn. He know's it's a special place.
Work was so slow tonight and so I got A LOT done. We have this weekly cleaning chart to do and I did all of it (except 4 things) on Wednesday because it was slow that night too. Well, tonight, I re-did all the things again plus did the 4 things I didn't get to on Wednesday. Plus, I cleaned a bunch of other things too. It was such a nice feeling to be able to get it all done. Sometimes the other girls are not as productive and then it leaves little time to do the extra stuff that could be done if they'd stop chit chatting or texting their friends while sitting around doing NOTHING!. Aghh...there's a reason it's called W-O-R-K people. It's not a slack off job. If you can't mulit-task and chat and work (meaning cleaning) then don't chat. Anyways, enough said about that. It's just that the girl I worked with tonight is like that ALL the time and that's why I think I get more done when I'm working with her because I try to do all the things I know she won't. She usually just watches me clean. Which is fine by me. Okay, now I'm done the work rant for real.
I have an amazing husband. When I came home on Tuesday, he was home and had cleaned the whole house. Plus he usually makes supper now and he let's me sleep in after a night shift on the weekend. He's so wonderful. I just really really really love him.
Okay, so that's it for now. Until later.
3 years ago
4 comments:
I read this post a few days ago, and I just couldn't even face commenting. You put my fears of death into words, exactly how I would have. If I had even had the courage to do so. Thank you for posting this... really THANK YOU! I needed to know I wasn't alone in my fears... my fears of loosing Todd, my kids not having me, ect. I was also glad to know that I'm not the only one that death seems to surround. Todd and I went to 5 funerals last year. All of them being close family (my dad, aunts, grandmas, grandpas and cousins.) I know I have never walked in your shoes, but I am really greatful to know that someone might feel a bit like I do! Thanks Mandy! I needed this :)
Mandy this is a wonderful post. So many people are afraid of the same things putting it out there helps us all to know that we aren't alone. So sad good thing we have the plan of salvation and the gospel.
Sterling was one of my brothers best friends he is taking it pretty hard. You just never know in this life. thanks Mandy. ttyl
Ugh - I totally know what you mean about the fear. There have been times in my life when it terrifies me so much it begins to take over everything (mostly when I am pregnant and hormonal...) I'm not actually that afraid of DYING, but the thought of leaving my boys makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of losing anyone is enough to bring me to tears. Every night when I put my boys to bed and I hug and kiss them, I think about how horrible it would be if something ever happened to them and how my heart would literally break. I think death is something that is difficult to understand - while it's part of the plan and necessary and we know we will see those we lose again, it is still extremely painful. Knowing we will see our loved ones again doesn't make us miss them any less.
I'm oddly not worried about dying. It doesn't freak me out at all. You know my motto-Eat your donuts. Not every day but it means don't deny yourself the small pleasures in life because you just don't know when your life will be over. If I passed over one donut and died that day I'd be so mad that I didn't get to enjoy it. Who the heck cares if you're 5 pounds heavier in your coffin. Joe and I have talked about the type of coffins we'd like/music at our funerals etc and we both have life insurance so the financial end isn't scary. The only regret I'd have if I died is not getting to raise Joshua and this next little one. It's crazy what my house looks like when Joe has taken care of Josh for a day let alone if it turned into a lifetime. I agree that no one can love a child quite the same way as their mother. Having said all that I've never lost any immediate family so I don't really know how well I'd cope with it. I guess it would depend on the circumstance. If Josh died I know I'd never be the same and there would always be a void in my heart for the rest of my life-that to me would be the worst thing ever. EVER. But I try to enjoy every day with him even if some are more trying than others for that very reason and I have a journal where I write down what he's doing at the time and little things he says so I won't forget. My aunt and uncle have lost 2 of their 5 children-one at age 5 and one at age 26-both due to medical reasons and I don't know how they bear it sometimes. One day at a time I suppose.
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