Friends

In the last few months I have really given hard thought and consideration to my friends and what kind of friend I am. In the last couple of years I have had some friends that I got offended by and considered them not my friends anymore. But then I realized that part of the problem was me. Instead of being mad and hurt and angry at these friends, I should have talked to them and apologized for my part (because a realationship is ALWAYS 2 ways. It takes 2 to tango...so to speak) in what I felt was the offence. I feel like I've wasted some time on being angry. I am happy to say that I have apologized and tried to make ammends with all these friends but I always feel like our friendship will not be the same. I suppose it would be unfair of me to expect the relationship to be the same as before. It suffered "damage" and sometimes it takes a really long time to heal that. It, I feel, has helped me to be a much more forgiving person. Nobody is perfect so why should I think that my friendships should be perfect. It makes me feel bad that I had to waste time on feeling the way I did when I could have been building up the friendships rather than 'damaging' them. I just hope that these friends know that I truly am sorry and that I really do want to be friends. Obviously we were friends in the first place for a reason. Anyway...
I cleaned today for Matt's co-worker. It was utterly and absolutley exhausting but I know that he really needed it done and I know that he appreciated it. It was a HUGE job! 8 and a half hours of standing, bending, wiping, etc, etc. I did not sit down at all except to eat lunch (which took me 2 minutes) and to eat some yougurt (1 minute). I have not stood that long, consistently, for a really long time. By the end, I could barely sweep the floors it was so tiring. He has 2 houses (right beside each other, thank goodness) and he lives in one and the other one is empty right now because he's trying to sell it. He's getting married in 2 weeks so he's a little busy with getting that together. If I didn't like him or think highly of him, I wouldn't have done the job.
I don't understand or know how guys can live the way they do when they are bachelors. It's SOOOO GROSS!!!! Do guys not know how to clean a dish or sweep the floor or mop or take their shoes off at the door so they don't track in dirt all over the house???? I can't even talk about the bathrooms....I have never, in my life, seen such dirty bathrooms. Guys just don't care, it seems, if their living space is a pigsty. It makes me appreciate married life so much more to know that Matt is capable AND WILLING to clean up after himself. I feel so bad for Matt'sfriend/co-worker because he is NOTa dirty person in any sense of the word. I know he really tries to keep things tidy and moderately clean. It's his house-mates! Obviously he can't clean up after these guys like their mother. Plus, it wouldn't be fair to him. Each person can only do so much. I'm glad that I was taught about cleanliness at an early age and that we are teaching Tanner. I'm glad that it's done.

I have had a bit of a slacker week and have been "lolly-gagging" around. Basically I have just been puttering around and not really been overly productive. I guess over the week I have been, but not all at once like I like to be. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little more productive day.

Well, I think that's it for now.

Because I feel so much

We received a phone call late on Saturday night telling us that two 17 year old girls had been in a horrible car accident and that one of them is in a coma and could we please say a prayer and have a fast for them. I can not, even now at this very moment, get it out of my head what that must be like. I can not even fathom what that would be like to get a call or have someone come to your door and tell you that your child has been in an accident. Matt asked me that night if I ever worry about him being in an accident and what I would do and I told him that I think about it and worry about it every single day. You just never know what you are going to do or how you will handle a certain situation unless it happens to you. I never, in a million years, thought that I would ever have, let alone actually be faced with, a child with such unique problems and (as the doctor's say) abnormalities. It really tests you and really, for lack of better words, puts you through the ringer. This incident (the car accident) has brought back, in vivid memory, what I felt when Tanner was born. And not only when he was born but when we found out what some of the complications were going to be. It has really helped me to understand on a much deeper level, what the Lord knows we can handle and that He knows what we are capable of. He puts His trust in us to have faith and trust Him. It really opens up a persons eyes (albeit, they have to be willing to submit to the promptings and feelings) to how loving the Lord is. And, as my Mom always says, it's about attitude. Some people have bad attitudes in life and some have good.
I'll be honest and say that at first when we found out about Tanner, I didn't have a very good attitude but then my friend really opened my eyes and said to me exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Since then, I have always tried to be optimistic (even when I knew a member of my extended family said that they thought it would have be better if Tanner died because of all the complications) and looked at the positive. There were days when he was in the hospital that I didn't feel optimistic for a small moment, but then I got smart and started asking questions and became more knowledgable in what was going on. There were things I had to leave in the Lord's hands. Like when he had to have a blood transfusion at 24 hours old and they had to literally take out 2/3 of all his blood, bit by bit, and replace it with better blood. For me, that was the most hardest, difficult, trying, emotional, uncomprehensible thing I had to deal with ever! Everything after that, was easy compared to that procedure. Even his head surgery, though I was a bit nervous and anxious, I felt like if he could get through having his blood taken out of his body at such an early stage in his life, he would get through anything else. For me, that was the only time that I truly had doubt in anything. And that really taught me a lesson in trusting and being grateful to the Lord.

So enough about that. I could go on and on about that. I've written a 30 page (back and front) entry in my journal about my feelings during that time and what was happening and who came to visit, etc. etc.

I just got the magazine LDS living today (I have a subscription but this is the new one that came today) and they have an article in there about children being responsible for picking up their own toys and this concept of a "gobble bag". Essentially what it is, is a bag that "gobbles" up the toys at the end of the day that haven't been picked up. The "gobbled" up toys are then put away for a week. The author was saying that she has a 3 year old (it could have been a 4 year old, but it was a younger child) that forgot their 'special' toy and it got gobbled up and they didn't get it back for a week. The author said that she thought that it taught them responsibilty to pick up their own toys and that it takes the responsibility off the parents to have to remind their children to pick up their toys. It just seemed like a really odd concept and I was hoping that I could get some feedback/comments/opinions on this. If you've read the article, it's probably more clear what I'm talking about. I just think that to have an inatimate object to 'teach' your children a concept or whatever, is a little weird. Wouldn't it be just as effective if you, as the parent, set the rules and if your kids didn't pick up their toys, you would just say "okay then, I'm going to put all the toys that you didn't pick up away and you don't get them back for a week." It seems to me that it's kind of a cop out on the parents part to be a responsible parent/adult and follow through on the rules. Anyways, feedback would be nice.

Tanner had an emotionally sensitive day today. When I was making him his grilled cheese at lunch he kept asking if it was ready and I said "no, I have to cook it in the pan and then it will be ready". Well after about the 3rd time he asked and I responded in the same way every time, he started to cry. I went over and picked him up and cuddled with him and told him that I loved him and that I would try and hurry because I knew he was probably very hungry. He cried for about 10 minutes and I felt so sad for my little sad boy. It made me want to cry. He's not usually like that. And when he is, it's not for a whole day. It's usually just for a little while like a morning and then in the afternoon he's fine. But today, it was all day. He's such a great little guy.

Well, I think that's it for now.

RAIN!!!

We finally have rain!!! Horray! I am soooooo happy. I love the rain. I remember going to the Stampede Chuckwagon races and grandstand show one year and they had to stop the grandstand show because it started raining and it was dangerous for the dancers. Anyway, I remember Matt and I stayed out in the rain, getting soaking wet for about 20 minutes before they started the show again. It was awesome! I was freezing on the way home on the train, though. Matt was nice enough and gave me his coat to wear.
I love the cold. I'd rather have fall and winter than Summer, anytime. I love in the winter that you can cuddle up under your blankets with a nice warm cup of hot chocolate. Mmmmm...I can't wait for winter.
Tanner had a little accident yesterday. We were outside and I was putting some things away in the shed and Tanner was running on the driveway and he tripped over his stupid Crocs and fell...well, actually slid, on the pavement. He was pretty banged up. His knee bled more than I've seen him bleed anytime else. Nothing that needed stiches, though. He usually doesn't bleed too bad when he gets cut or scraped. He also doesn't like band-aids in any capacity so I had to tell him he needed the band-aid on or he would keep bleeding. He didn't like it at all but I put it on and he hasn't complained about it.
They are having a 'community clothing exchange' this weekend. I'm looking forward to giving away a bunch of stuff. We have gifts that we have had from when we got married and I really can't see us using them anytime soon. I'm getting tired of lugging them around everywhere we move to. It can be such a pain to have to try and remember what we do have. Plus I have a bunch of clothes that I keep because I think "when I loos a little weight, I can fit into this". I've been saying that for 2 years now and I just have to realize that I am big chested and the items are never going to fit again. That's what happens after you have a baby. So I'm glad to be giving it away to peole who I'm sure will be grateful for it and appreciate it.
Well, I think that's about all for now.

Past Posts from my live spaces

August 15
No Kidney
The reason I titled blog that is because Tanner's bad kidney has finally dissolved. That's what it was supposed to do so I'm glad that it did so that they wouldn't have to go in and surgically remove it.
The last 2 days has been pretty busy. We went up to Calgary on Sunday. Tanner had an appointment with the Urologist at 8:45 am on Monday morning and then speech at 9. The Dr. booked his surgery to have his second testicle brought down and his belly button hernia fixed next year. We are going to play it by ear and he might not need to stay in overnight. Most likely he will but he might not. I never get my hopes up on what this Dr. says.
His speech is coming along good. He's now offically behind in plurals because he doesn't clearly articulate the 's' sound. It will come hopefully sooner rather than later.
My cousin came home from her mission in Equador. She looks really good. We went to Peter's after for "light lunch" as she put it. We were there at 10:30pm Monday night. We also went swimming previously that day. Tanner is such a brave swimmer. He needs to learn how to actually swim. He isn't afraid of the water. He just needs to learn the stroke and that sort of stuff.

While I was reading my scriptures today, I was reading the study material book and I learned that in the life after this, we will all be vegetarians. There is a quote by Bruce R. McConkie. He said that there will be no need to eat meat because man and animal will be changed and there will be no blood running through our veins. I thought that was really interesting. A lot of people, I think, speculate about food in heaven and the hereafter. I guess there's our answer about meat. I am trying to finish studying (not just reading) the Book of Mormon before next year because that's what we will study in Sunday School. I'm only in 2 Nephi so I have a long way to go. I need to comitt to reading like 4 chapters a day.

It was suggested to Matt yesterday that we should look at buying the place we are in for investment purposes. I told him that I wouldn't have a problem buying it if we could actually insure our stuff. We can't find the information that the insurance company wants so we can't get insurance on it. That makes me very nervous and I don't feel comfortable buying a place we can't insure. I just wouldn't want to do it.

I keep feeling that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that it will be okay. We have consolidated our debt and are now credit cardless. We don't have a credit card and we are going to try and live without one. We did our budget the other day and it opened our eyes to just how much out of our budget we were living. It makes me a bit nervous to not have a "back-up" but that's how we got into so much debt in the first place. I feel like this is our last chance to get our money thing right and I'm not about to loose control now when I just can't see any other way to get out of debt.

I have been asked by Calgary Health Region via Children's Hospital to be part of this new service called 'Family to Family Connection Services'. Basically what it is is being connected with 1 or more families that have requested to talk to a volunteer about whatever they feel they need to talk about. It's more like a support group. The volunteer (me) would be required to contact the requesting family 4 times over an 8 week period. The volunteer choses if they want to accept the requesting family and if they want to have a longer support time, it's up to the volunteer and family. They just piloted the project in the spring and when they contacted me about it, I was so excited. I know for me when Tanner was born, I wished they had a support group like that at that time. Plus, they said that they would like to possibly use me as a foot in the door to start the project down here in the Chinook Health Region. I think it's such an honor to be considered for something that will more than likely be successful. It really could be a stepping stone for a lot of things. My sister even suggested that it may allow me to get some type of position in the health system if I wanted it. ALSO, I was asked to tell my story of Tanner on the Country 105 Radiothon. I'm kind of nervous but kind of excited as well. I'm not sure when it is. I think the end of August or beginning of September. So that's my good news.

Well, I think that's it for now.


August 11
Seriously?? Lists
Seriously...that's all I can say right now. We just got back from Matt's reunion in Barnwell and although I can say that for the most part it was enjoyable, I can NOT in any degree comprehend the disorganization of the food/meals. So here's the story...we were told by Matt's Mom that registration was between 4 and 4:30. It was just a potluck and everyone brought a salad or chili. So we got there at 4:45 and there were about 5 other people there. NOT families but people. So Tanner and I waited for Matt and he showed up at around 5:45. Then everyone else started showing up! So it's about 6pm and Tanner and I are super hungry by this time because we assumed that we would probably eat around this time but NOOOOO. So I keep looking at the clock, 6:20...6:30...6:45...is there any meal organization? Nope. Finally at 6:55 I told Matt that I was not waiting another second and that Tanner and I were going to Subway in Taber for dinner. So I went into the kitchen and low and behold they finally have dinner ready to go. Do people honestly think that it's normal to eat at 7pm when you've told everyone to be there for 4:30? SERIOUSLY!
So we go today and we have breakfast on time. It's done at 9:45ish. So we play games, which were super super fun. When I look at my watch, it's 12:50. I look around...is there anyone getting lunch ready? Nope. So I think, oh, it won't be long before we can eat. 1:30 comes and goes....2pm comes and goes, 2:30, 2:45. Well, at 2:50, I said to Matt "I'm going to Subway". Being a pre-diabetic, I have to eat at certain intervals to regulate my blood sugar. So we left and went to Subway. We got back and at 4:30, they decided that they were going to have dinner! Seriously? Seriously!
Am I over-reacting here? I don't think so. What kid wants to wait from 10 in the morning until 4:30 to have a meal? The other thing is that we didn't get an itinerary. We were just told when the reunion was and where it was and what to bring (a desert) by Matt's Mom. Her and all the rest of the family got an itinerary. So when it was announced that there was swimming this afternoon, we didn't know about it because we weren't told about it. Seriously?

I have decided to put Tanner in a parented pre-school in September. I think that it will be great for him and he needs it. I think it will really help him in every way. I'm excited but a little solemn about it. It just means he is getting bigger.

It has finally cooled down here. We even got some rain. I hope that we get more rain and that it cools down even more. Though I do enjoy some aspects of summer, I prefer the cooler and even colder/bitter weather to the hot kind. I do enjoy that you can be outside more in summer and that you can BBQ. I love swimming outside, going to a lake, camping, fireworks, the smell of fresh cut grass, growing a garden, wearing shorts, long days. But I also love that when you are cold, you can put on a nice warm, cozy sweater; drink hot chocolate; bake without worrying if it's going to cook up your house; the sound of crunching snow, christmas, halloween, a nice warm cup of hot chocolate, getting into my nice warm bed and snuggling under the covers.

As a friend of mine has some lists on her blog, I thought I'd like to post some lists of my own.
So this is the list of places that I'd like, one day, to visit:
1. New York
2. Navoo
3. Disneyland
4. A temple tour of the temples in Western U.S.
5. Paris (or just Europe in general)

That's in order of importance.

Here's a list of things I'd like to do before I die:
-read the books on my booklist
-scrapbook Tanner's life
-travel around the States with Tanner for summer vacation in a trailer or motorhome
-go on a mission with Matt
-read the Bible
-make the recipies out of my cookbooks at least once
-take a photography class
-be 120 lbs and stay as close to that as possible
-be a health nut (naturalist, get accupuncture treatments, buy organic)
-have a house with a porch that has a bench swing and a hammock in the backyard
-take a ceramic class and paint something wonderful
-bake home made bread
-become more involved with the community and give back.

My dream house is 1st a bungalow with 5 bedrooms (I'd be happy with 4 but I really want 5) OR
a period inspired house (like the house in Fried Green Tomatoes that Ruth lives in after she gets married)

I think that's all for now.



August 06
Say it aint so
I'm not really sure why I name my blogs such random things. Maybe I'm just a random kind of person. Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while and I am a little anxious to do so.

My Aunt was here this last week and she left this morning. We had a great, relaxing, enjoyable time. I just know that blogging can take longer than planned and I didn't want to be rude. She decided that she wanted to spend her birthday down here. I think mostly to spend it with Tanner but I know it was a little because she does genuinely care for me...but mostly it was for Tanner...lol. It's not that I mind, but sometimes, people spoil him way too much when they see him. It's like he has no rules and when we try to enforce the rules we have at home, he throws a fit. Though I generally follow through on disciplining him, sometimes I feel like I am being judged by my family for being too hard on him. I don't really think that sitting him on a chair for yelling or throwing things is being too hard on him. He has gotten away with a lot in his life and it hasn't been until recently (in the last year or so) that we have put him in time outs. If we don't let him know that those seemingly minor things are not allowed, then as he gets older, he'll think that he can get away with a lot more. It has to start small. But when we go to Wal-Mart or drive by Toys 'R Us, he acts like it's his right to go in every single time and get him something. Not so!
Some days this parenting thing is easier than others but some days I wonder if he'll turn out okay.


I have been devouring books lately. I have read a book a week for the past 3-4 weeks. It is so great and I have even got Matt to read more. He hated reading and I told him he should read this book that my Aunt brought back for him because he asked for it and I thought that it might be rude not to read it. So he did. And he really liked it. He's already on a different book. And here's a little secret (well, not really) Matt really likes the movies of Anne of Green Gables. When I got home from Calgary, he couldn't wait to go to the Library and get the next one. It's great that he's excited about something.
I put up a poster advertising house cleaning. I think that it will be a great little extra income and it won't interfere with what's happening. I'm looking forward to it and I hope that by the time Matt goes to school, I will have saved enough to pay for it (it's only $700 a semester and that includes materials so it's not too bad).
Well, I think that's it for me.

July 23
How do you like me now??
So we just came back from Thunder in the Valley in Coleman and it was a blast! We also took Tanner to his first Primary Party. This is one of those milestones I have been waiting for and now that it's here, I'm completly elated. I don't even know what it is but becoming a mother has gotten me excited about the littleist things. I look forward to Tanner reaching certain things in his life. He gets to give his first talk in Primary and I feel like I want to send out invitations for everyone to come. It's a huge thing and I'm so excited. We are going to practice with him as much as possible. So we ended up not going up to go camping with my sister this week. It worked out in the end because Tanner has a bladder infection, AGAIN! So it wouldn't have been good for him to be travelling for 4 hours and then go camping. When we are outside going places, he doesn't go as much as he should so it all works out in the end this way.
I had to give the lesson on Sunday after we got home from driving from Thunder in the Valley. It was on the talk "The tounge of Angels" by Elder Holland. When I first read the talk and remember it being given, I thought it was about speaking kinder to each other, but when I actually re-read it a couple of times, I discovered it's about emotional abuse. It was a great talk and I even found another talk that was quite detailed about what emotional abuse is and how to recognize the signs and what to do about it. It was a super good talk. I think that we all sometimes are guilty of both being emotionally abusive and being emotionally abused ourselves. I think that I am so bad at it and I have a lot of work to do to overcome it. We live in a society where everywhere we go, it is the norm to be sarcastic, or make jokes about our spouses (and even friends') weaknesses. It's easy to get caught up in the web of unkind words and tones. We are not all perfect and all we can do is strive each day to be a little better. To talk a little kinder, to walk a little taller, to be a little more obedient. I, for one, resolve within myself to strive harder to be kinder to those around me...especially my husband and son.
It is burning up here like it's hotter than hatties. It has been like 38 degrees every day for the last 3 weeks. I find it interesting, that they have a big article on preparedness in this months Ensign. It makes me a little nervous. We do have food storage, which we are partly living off right now because we are so poor, but we would have to start relying on the help of other people pretty quickly. I know it says in the article to start with a week and we have about 2-3 weeks but for a second it makes me panic thinking that something horrible is going to happen tomorrow. If it does, then it does, but I feel like we are doing what we can with what we have. I try to buy a can or two more of something when we go to the store to keep it for storage. Food storage can be so overwhelmig sometimes. Some days I wish that I had $1000 to invest in food storage all at once. That's the way life works, just like the gospel...one step at a time, line upon line. I'm grateful for the programs of the church and for knowing that it is the true gospel. I know that when we obey and do our best, our lives are blessed and we grow and mature in our knowledge and our spirit.


July 16
The Real Me.
So while Tanner and I were up in Calgary, we spent some of it with some old school friends. We were talking about going to elementry and the "cool" girls...or as I like to call them now: the Mean Girls. She said to me that she thought that I was good friends with these girls, which I wasn't. I wanted to be one of them (it was like a scene out of the movie Mean Girls) and I was actually friends with one of them but I wasn't really in the "group". So when my Dad died, my class sent me this sympathy card (which I still have) and in it the "mean girls" said that I was going to be in their cabin for grade 6 camp, which I was totally stoked about. Well, when I got back to school after my Dad died, they were my friend for like 1 week and then I was chop liver again and I was out of the cabin (so they told me). Well, my friend told me that she was friends with them for a while and she remembers singleing me out for being mormon. I don't remember that at all. Maybe that was a good thing. I just remember how those mean girls made me feel. In retrospect, I'm glad that I was never accepted in that group. They did drugs and drank in high school and I was not like that at all. I wasn't an angel, but I certainly had made a choice in my young life that I would never do drugs or drink. I'm glad that the Lord saw my life in the future and guided me away from those girls. Though I longed to be like them, I knew I would never fit in. It made me realize more about my life and the Lord's hand than I realized before.
We also talked about when we were younger and feeling like we didn't have much. I think that for my sisters and I, we never felt that we were left without things. We had our friends and our barbies and in the summer we had our trampoline and the sprinkler and our bikes. We had fun as kids. I don't ever remember feeling poor. Anyway, she said that she wanted to make sure that her kids would never feel like she did when she was younger. I don't understand why people feel like they have to give their kids everything money can buy to make them feel the way they want them to feel. Weather it be love, security, rich, or whatever. Why isn't love enough? Why do people feel that they need to give their kids everything that they didn't? Is that what people feel life is about is providing their kids with the things that they never had? That doesn't seem right to me. We rarely went on big excursions like the zoo or Calaway Park or Heritage Park. That was a treat for us, not a nessesity like some people treat it. I had zoo passes and currently have Calaway Park passes but I don't think that I ever treated them or acted like it was something that we needed. It was an affordable want at the time.
I think some people treat things like that like if they don't have it, their kids are going to suffer. Whatever happened to running through the sprinkler, or jumping in the pool, or going to the playground, or just plain playing in the backyard for entertainment? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the zoo and Calaway and all those places just as much as my friends do but like I said, some people treat them like it's thier right to have these privilages and have passes to everything. I get that the zoo and possibly Heritage Park are good places to learn about things...but....AGH! It's just kind of hard to explain. I don't understand people like that.
I guess for me, I have always wanted to be the kind of mother that is involved in teaching her children things and letting them enjoy being child and not carting them around in the car to a thousand different places all the time. I guess I've had my share of carting Tanner around, especailly when he was first born. We were at doctor's appointment at least once a week for the first 3-4 months. I just don't want my kids to think that going out to wherever it may be (the zoo or Calaway or wherever) is a main stay. I want my kids to feel like it's a treat and a special thing to go and do things like that.
The point is that everyone get through life without having every single thing they want, so why do we as a society feel that our kids should have more than what we ever had? Maybe some would argue that Love isn't enough and that's okay, but for me, that is enough. Tanner isn't going to look back at his life and say his life was great because he got to go to the zoo or heritage park or calaway or the science center all the time...at least I hope he doesn't. His life will be great because of how the people around him made him feel. And what does that say about me, or anyone for that matter, if Tanner did say his life was great because he got all the material things he wanted? For me, that would say that I was a poor mother and didn't teach Tanner anything worthwhile. Do people even actually look back at their life and think and or feel that they had a great childhood because they had a lot of things? Does living a life of privlage actually entitle you to live a better, happier life? Does money really buy happiness? I just use the passes thing as an example. I would be a total hypocrite if I said that people shouldn't have those kinds of things because I had zoo, calaway park and science center passes last summer. I hope that my thoughts are understandable. If I gave, even if I could afford all of it, Tanner all that my parents couldn't afford for me, would that make either one of us better people? I don't think it would.
Here's a little secret: Matt and I have a little mission fund that we have for Tanner that we are not planning on telling him about, ever. Unless he finds out earlier than his mission then we'll tell him. Why would we keep this a secret? Matt and I decided that we would just quietly put away Tanner's money that he get's for his birthdays (well, until he knows what money really is and the value of it) for when he goes on his mission. When he gets older, we'll just put a little away each month. Then if he earns most of his money for his mission, then we will give him the rest with the "mission" funds that we have been saving up. If he earns all his money, then we'll keep the fund growing until he gets home and then he'll have money for when he gets home. Now why would we do this? We feel it's important for Tanner (and any future children) to work and earn their money. We don't him to think that he only has to earn a part of it because Mom and Dad will pay for the rest. We want to teach our children the value of work and earning their keep. This may sound radical or a bit weird but it goes back to the point of this entry. Why should I give my kids everything they want and not teach them to earn things in life. You can't get through life with everything handed to you. You have to learn to work, just like the prophet has told us. Nobody gets a free ride in life.
I think for me, this last week has really opened my eyes to my life and who I really am.
I do have to be honest in saying that I do sometimes envy my friends that go on, what I think are, great adventures like hiking or on family vacations. This is my biggest, deepest wish right now is to go on a family vacation. Matt and I didn't even have a real honeymoon. We went a year after we were married to Alabama to visit a family he grew close to on his mission. We stayed with them and there isn't that much to do. We did have fun but who honeymoons at a family's house? Matt and I have never been able to have coordinating vacation schedules and so when we were working, we took seperate vacations. So I get a little jealous of my friends that get to go to all these nice places together with their families or with their spouses. I yearn to have that. Even this year, when we can be together, we are camping with my sister. We are the poor ones and that sucks so bad for us right now. It's totally our own fault and I know in the future, we will get to go to the places we want to go (none of them are super fancy.) and have a house. It's just hard because when we do look at ourselves in comparison to all our other friends, we're behind. Don't feel sorry for us. Life is all about choices and clearly we haven't made all the right choices in order to be where we hoped we would be but I know that one day in the near future (how about 4 years) we'll get there. We'll be able to go to Navoo, and Disneyland, and New York and Matt and I can go on a Western U.S./Canada Temple tour and we will be able to come back to our house that we've made a home (hopefully an air conditioned one) with amazing plumbing and know that that is exactly where we are meant to be and enjoy the fruits of our labors. Oh, and Jamie and I are going to New York together too...lol. But it is this picture that keeps me going most of these days.
For a while, I think that I was one of those people that felt like Tanner could and should have A LOT. But now, my eyes have been open to realize that as long as I am doing what I should be doing and trying my best and making a real effort in making Tanner (and Matt, too) know that I love them, that's all that matter's right now. For me, Love is all I have and it's more than enough right now. We may be very poor in material things but we are rich when it comes to the friends and family we have in our lives and the love we feel daily from the Lord. Love can be enough.

July 03
Oblivious
We went to our first Raymond Parade and it was a blast. There was candy galore and all the kids brought bags to catch the candy in. Every other float or entry had candy to throw so it was fun. Tanner really seemed to enjoy himself, despite having a bladder infection. Poor baby. We discovered it on Sunday and took him to the hospital (well, I did) and sure enough he had an infection. He's doing much better now that he's on antibiotics.

I took my Dad's journals home with me from Calgary and read them last week. It was a really interesting experience to read them and learn more about my Dad. It made me reflect on what I hope to be someday and what I hope people will say about me when I'm gone. I'm far from where I want to be in my ability to be a good person and how people think of me. Some days I feel like I'm still that girl in High School that was self centered and only thought about myself. Then some days, I feel like I'm far from that girl. Some days it feels like life being that girl in high school would be much easier to be than what I should be. I realize that opening up like this leaves me very vulnerble to those who read this but somehow I need to get it off my chest. I'm trying to make this space more about my deepest fears and thoughts and not just a fru fru space (that one's for you Jamie...lol).

Recently someone (who will remain annonomus) told me that she thinks that I am oblivious to things. I would disagree with that. The reason she said I was oblivious was because she thought that I just didn't care about things, which I understand where she is coming from but...I think sometimes the way I feel about certain things comes off as not caring and that maybe translates into oblivion to her.

Here's is my defence or my explanation...I know that I'm not the smartest person in my family or even group of friends but I do have opinions about things. For example, the war in Iraq...this is a hot topic and this is just my feelings on what's going on. So, I know that there is a war in Iraq and that Bush sent people there, in my opionion, for revenge for what happened on 9-11, but I don't know nor do I deeply care for the details. Why? Because I feel like everything is hearsay and no one really knows the intent or truth of everyone else, except God. I don't feel like the war directly affects my personal life (in a huge way or life changing way) or my relationships or happiness with others. There's nothing I can do to make the war go away or make it better so why should I consume my time with the half truth, hearsay details of a war? So I can discuss it with people? Not really my cup of tea. Why do I want to discuss to negative impact the war has on the world when I believe in focusing on the positive of life. Does that make me ignorant or dumb or not smart or oblivious??? I don't feel that it does.

I know people say knowledge is power but what power does knowing about the war give me? I know the basics but why are the details important? This may put me in the hot seat for a political debate but I don't think that I'm oblivious. I choose not to consume myself with things that I don't feel are important to my eternal salvation at the time. Maybe in 5 years I'll feel differently but for now, this is how I am. I'm not political smart, I realize that but how does that make me oblivious? I know that I am not smart in a lot of ways but I am not oppose to learning about certain things. Life changes so rapidly, how could I possibly keep up with every single thing that happens or change that goes on? I do have a large opinion on how people treat each other and being honest.

I have a friend who is a self professed "book snob" and I love that she loves books and only certain types of books. There's nothing like reading an amazingly written book, and I wish that I was as book smart as her. It hasn't been until recently in my life that I have had a deep yearning for good, no great, written books. I am starting to become a lover of books. Which even 2 years ago, I would have laughed it someone said I would love books. I enjoy both well written books and fluffy type books.
I guess sometimes I don't feel smart in any capacity in my life and so when someone says they think that I'm oblivious, it upsets me a little bit. Maybe it is true. Maybe I'm living my life in complete oblivion but telling me that only re-inforces my feelings of inadequacy of knowing anything or being smart at anything. Tell me what I can do to not be so "oblivious".
So that's my little rant about being oblivious.

We have an insanely crazy busy 2 weeks. This weekend Matt is going up to Calgary to catch a flight to Las Vegas for a work conference and then the day he comes home, Tanner and I go back up so that we can go to speech the next day. Then when we come back, we are going to thunder in the valley the next weekend in Blairmore with Matt's co-worker/friend and his family. We are excited to go. Then Matt finally has some time off and we aren't planning much for that. Maybe go to writting on stone park, waterton park and nearby things. It feels like the summer is slipping away so quickly already. I do hope that my family and friends will come and see us if they are down here. We finally got an air conditioner. We have to have it serviced because it doesn't even turn on! And it's brand new. That doesn't make sense to me at all but whatever. Maybe the cord in defecive or something. It will be nice to finally have it working and have a cool place. It can get sweltering hot here in our place. Well, I think that's it for now.

When it's not enough

Last night we went to Matt's friends, Clint's, house. Matt has been laying and preparing to lay sod down for his front and back yard. Well, last night he had a BBQ and we went in to have some. It was a good thing that Clint has a trampoline because otherwise Tanner would have been bored out of his mind. We got there and 5:30 and we didn't leave until 10pm. And Tanner has a cold right now. Anyway, when they started to actually lay the sod down, Tanner was so cute and he unrolled the sod and the guys came behind him and rolled the edges and placed it exactly where it needed to be. He got all dirty and then wanted to be washed so that was the end of that. He played on the trampoline for the rest of the time, though.
Matt's been working super late this week. On Friday morning he left at 6:30 and didn't get home until 2:30 the next morning. They had to do a really big job in Medicine Hat and the didn't leave the Hat (as they refer to it) until close to midnight. I thought "who wants plumbers in their place until midnight?" Woudln't you just have them come back the next day to finish? I guess if they lived 2 hours away, I'd let them stay all night if needed to get the job done. Crazy!
There have been some recent things that have happened in my life and it hasn't really surpised me. Just the attitudes of people and just the deeper realization that everyone has their own opinons and not everyone, even in eternal family units, gets along. Which does bother me a bit because I want to be able to get along with everybody. I feel like I spent so much wasted time as a teenager not getting along with friends and family members that I know it's a complete waste of time. Time is too precious and we are going to have to spend eternity together, so why not get along here so it's easier in the next life?
I rented the movie the Pursuit of Happyness yesterday. I thought it was an excellent movie. It really teaches a person a lot about life. Never give up on your dreams because someone said you couldn't do it. I wonder how many people do give up because they were told by someone they couldn't do it. It just gives the other person power. I think that so often, people, including me, give power to other people and allow them to have a little bit of control in our lives. For example, I have this friend who went to get her and her husbands debt consolidated and she told me that you have to have a certain amount of debt before a bank will agree to consolidate it. Well, I have let that restrict me on allowing Matt and I to go and see if we could consolidate our debt. And you know what? It doesn't matter how much debt you have, a bank will consolidate it. They have way better interest rates than credit cards so it's always worth looking into. We now have all out debt consolidated and it's not an enormous amount. Certainly more than what I thought we had, but not as bad as I thought it could have been.
One of the ladies that I visit teach has a scrapbooking book out and I recently borrowed it (from another lady in our ward that bought it) and I was very suprised at how easy she made it look. I always thought of scrapbooking as such a complicated process but she really gets inspired by the everyday things in life. Like she was inspired by a shampoo botle of Protene Pro-V. She did up this really cute page that has her and her siblings in the 4 square block like it has on the shampoo bottle. Just really simple, real life scrapbooking. She scrapbooks her real life like a groccery reciept, or her kids being sad. It was just a really great book. I have it on my Christmas list already. I know I know, you're thinking, CHRISTMAS!!??? My Mom always wants us to start thinking about our Christmas lists every year in September/October so she can get a head start on it. Which I think is smart because who can really find the exact gift they want for someone at Christmas when everyone is looking for the same thing? Why shouldn't you shop all the time. Like when someone tells me they like something or wants something, I write it down or make a mental note of it and if I'm out and see it, then I buy it then so I don't have to do it later. That way, when Christmas actually does come around, I am not stressed about thinking about what to get for people and if I'll be able to find it.
Anyway, I think that's about it for now.