Here I am...emotionally naked?

So here I am, totally emotionally naked confessing my feelings on babies and having more kids. For the last little I have been telling Matt that I don't want any more kids. He thought I was totally kidding around and finally I told him about 2 weeks ago that I was totally serious about not wanting more kids. No more naturally, no more trying fertility drugs or other medical intervention, no adopting...nothing. I was done. So there's the operative word....WAS. Here are my feelings of inability, inadequacy, whatever you want to call it. At first, I felt like it would be too hard because Tanner is almost 4 (on November 21st) and I felt like that was too big of an age gap between children. I wasn't sure I would feel capable of having a newborn with an independent child. Then, in addition to the fore-mentioned, I felt like I wouldn't be a good mother to 2 or more children. Then I realized, deep down, it was because I am/was afraid. Terrified, actually...of being inadequate enough to raise another child. Afraid of not having the support I've had with Tanner. Afraid of losing a baby before it was born (which, I still am terrified about.) Afraid of so many things. I know this may sound boastful or prideful, but it's not meant to be...but I think I'm a pretty good mother to Tanner. I do doubt that ability sometimes but just when I do, my family and friends tell me what an amazing job they think I'm doing and what a great, not just good, mother I am. I guess for me, having Tanner has made me into the mother I have hoped to be. Minus the bad days...lol. But I am/was essentially afraid of not being a good mother to another child. Then, yesterday in R.S. at church, the lesson was on strengthening families and the teacher was talking about how families are still considered families even if they only have 1 child. First, the thought has never occurred to me that a couple with 1 child wouldn't be considered a family. Then I felt impressed that the reason I've had all this doubt is because I needed to pray and have my heart softened and open my heart to the ability to have the faith that I can love another child. I never wanted to be one of those people that didn't really want children and then got pregnant and resented it and then felt it was such a huge chore and task and job, not an honor, to have a child. I don't understand those kind of people. I don't think less of them in any way, I just don't understand that type of attitude. Maybe if those people wanted children so badly and couldn't get pregnant easily or lost a baby or 2 (no the latter does not apply to me) then maybe they could appreciate the joy and honor it is to have such a miracle happen in their life. I just needed to let the Lord know that I was okay with having another baby and I'm not sure why I felt it now. I've been really stuck in this "I'm not having more babies" thing that it's possibly blinded me from things I could have gotten over earlier.

Getting off the baby thing, today I had my first meeting with Tanner's teachers at school about his progress. It turns out that he doesn't technically qualify for the PUF program but they want to keep him in it as an early intervention. They will continue with the funding and keep him in the school, which is great news. I honestly didn't think that he would qualify and when he did, it took me by surprise. At first, I didn't think that I would want him in it, but then I realized that I can't do everything for him because I don't have all the tools in the world to get him where he needs to be. So I told them that and I cried a little (because I am a cry baby when it comes to Tanner and expressing my feelings about him) and they said they were more than happy to keep him there. That he was a happy, pleasant, energetic boy. That he was good and they really enjoyed him being in the class. I was so relieved because I was a little worried that he wouldn't adjust to the change as well as he did. So I am relieved to hear that all has been going well.

On yet another note, I sent out Tanner's invitations for his party. I have, reluctantly, invited all of Matt's family in addition to the regular people that have been there the past 3 years. In years past, Matt and I decided that it would just be my family and Matt's Dad and his wife and Matt's Mom. We didn't have the room for all of his family and plus Tanner didn't care, so why should we. But this year, I have softened up a bit and decided it will probably be nice to have whoever can come, come. We won't be up for Christmas so this will be a good chance to see him before next summer when, in all likelihood, it will be the next time all of Matt's family is together. We still haven't decided if we are going to do a friends birthday party but we have a couple of weeks to decide that. I have to admit that I am getting a little excited at doing a bigger one this year. So we'll see how it goes.

I was looking at Christmas dinner ideas in a cookbook for this Christmas. I am even more excited for Christmas this year. I think because this year is going to be so unpredictable, it excites me for some reason. Normally, I am a very organized, need to know who, when's, where's etc, but this year, I am looking forward to the unpredictability. Well, at least for today. I will most likely change my mind closer to Christmas but right now, I am pretty excited.

Well, Tanner needs me to build his train tracks so I better go and stop neglecting my son...lol.

Thinking

So I was thinking today about why we are here where we are in life and all the things that have gotten us here. What it ultimately comes down to is being happy about the choices that are in front of you and the goals that you set. I think some people doubt or question why we are here or if we are really happy. Those of you who know me and my family know that despite normal family challenges and trials, are generally very close. I would even say very close at points. But we have been brought up and raised to be kind and considerate and loving and friendly to not just those around us but each other. Our family has been through many MANY trials and challenges and heartbreaks. Losses, marriages, babies, among other things. But all in all, we are friends (with effort from some) and we love each other and would do just about anything for each other. Even though we all have different opinions on some things and the same on other, ultimately it's about being a forever family that counts and that's what really matters to all of us. So why then, would Matt and I "uproot" our own family and move 2 and a half hours away from the people we claim (and actually do) love more than anything? How could we bear to be away from them and not see them as often? It's easy for me because for so long Matt and I have wanted to move to a small town to raise our child(ren). We never wanted to stay in the city forever and my family knew that. I believe that there was A LOT of doubt about us ever moving away or this far away at first but we kept talking about it and it finally happend. I prayed about it and it wasn't more than a week later, we found a place in Raymond because we had to move out of the place we were currently residing in. I am literally living mine and Matt's dream. It happened a lot sooner than we planned, but we could not be happier about the decision to move here. It certainly hasn't come without it's own challenges but in the eternal perspective, this is so worth it. And I keep saying this and I'll keep on saying it, we are so happy down here. It is the best decision we have made for us. I have not, for one moment wished that we didn't live here. I love visiting Calgary to see my family and friends, but you could not pay me enough to move back up there. Even Lethbridge. I want to live in a small town, not a small city. I say the same thing about the U.S. There is no way I would ever live down there. There is not enough money in this entire world that would make me change my mind. It's nice to visit, but I would not ever live down there. When Hell freezes over, then I would live there. There would be no way we could afford medical coverage for us and Tanner, plus it's too crazy there.
I love living here and I love that I get to stay home with Tanner. That's so important to Matt and I. I feel for those of you who have to leave their children in the care of others. I can't imagine leaving Tanner to be raised by someone else. I understand that for some, it's the only way to make ends meet. I get that. I don't need a bunch of back lash because people don't think I get that. I do! I think that it's selfish of people who leave their kids in the care of others because they want the money or they don't want the responsibility of raising their own kids full time.
I had a lady I worked for years ago before I was married that lived like this and it really bothered me. I was basically a mother's helper so she could nap when she wanted (she had a newborn) and go to yoga or power walks. I cooked, cleaned, picked up her kids and dropped them off at school, groccery shopped for her. I just don't get people like that. It seems like having money is more important than being the best parent you can be. We all have bad days, I know that. But to resent that you have to be responsible for doing these kinds of things because you can't do what you want, when you want is totally unreasonable to me.
I worked after I had Tanner but I was so imensley blessed to be able to take Tanner with me. I was so fortunate and lucky. Not everyone has that. I wish more people did.
Anyway, I was just thinking about how blessed Matt and I are to be where we want to be and have such wonderful people in our lives.
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to go. I get to have supper with Tanner AND Matt because he's home today. Yea!!!

In the middle

This morning for Tanner's PUF pre-school, we finally were able to go swimming. It was so much fun! We went to the Uof L pool and it was so nice. A little colder than what Tanner likes but the pool itself was so fun. It was the size of the Village Square Leisure Center shallow end in the main pool. Except it has the same level of water from one end to the other. It was really nice.
I've been busy trying to get back into a somewhat regular routine. It was hard last week because it was Tanner's first week at PUF pre-school. And now this week because of the long weekend has been a bit hard too. At least I got my 6 loads of laundry done. That's always such a big chore. I actually really enjoy doing laundry but it does consume more time than most other chores because it's a wait and move chore. It's not like mopping or sweeping where you just do it and it's done. You have to do the laundry, move it to the dryer (or in my case, I hang all my clothes except towels to air dry) and then fold and put them away. Anyway, tomorrow will be sweeping and mopping while Tanner isn't here.
I am a little sore today from my hour walk with my friend last night. It was a great walk but I wasn't use to it because it's been so long. I hope I can get on the wagon and be able to exercise more regularly.
I also sorted through some of Tanner's things today. It's an ongoing project to put away and bring out the new size or season's clothes. I am so glad that we have a shed to store all our things in. It's pretty full and I organized that in the spring. I should be more like my mother and write down all the projects I need to get done. I have to work on my Mom's Christmas gift. I am really looking forward to it and working on it. The weather has been much nicer here today than it has been.
I love the fall! I love the smell of the air and the leaves changing color and everything about it. I love the smells of all the yummy food that goes along with fall. Like apple crisp and pumpkin pie. It's one of the best times of the year.
Well, I think that's it for now. Until next time...

Things I'm grateful for

So I was thinking about all the things I'm grateful for while driving home from Calgary today. These are the top 10. There are too many things to list.

1. My health. I have not been super sick ever and that's a good thing.

2. Affordable health care. This is especially important since we have had Tanner

3. Knowledge

4. A home

6. Family and Friends

7. The gospel and all it encompasses

8. The scriptures

9. A free country

10. The Savior

These are in no order of importance but the top 10 most important.

We have come back from a wonderful trip from Calgary. We had such a good time. It was fun, restful, revealing, relaxing, enjoyable and filling.
I don't feel like I have that much to say so this is just a short one. We were able to take a bunch of family pictures and they turned out reasonably well. We haven't all been together since April when we were up for my birthday. So it's been a while. It was nice. It didn't come without some frustration and tears but it worked out in the end. Now we will probably have to wait until the spring to go up all together again. We are 100 % sure that we are having Christmas down here. We aren't able to afford to go up more than once a month and Tanner has 3 appointments 1 week before Christmas so we'll already be up for that and we can't stay because I have to teach in Church that Sunday. So cross my fingers, hopefully the weather stays decent so that my family can and will come down to us. If it's bad weather, they won't come. My Mom doesn't like driving in any questionable weather. She had a really bad experience when we were younger so it makes her very nervous to be onthe roads with any type of weather incriments. It's nice to be able to have my family come down. It will be a new adventure. If my sister comes, I will be very suprised. She is very much about tradition and going to the nativity paegent on Christmas Eve is tradition so I know it will probably be very difficult for her if she gives that up this year. My other married sister and her husband is going up to his family so they won't be with us this year. And I hope my little sister can come. She said she works but I don't know when. She has never been down here since we moved so it will be a nice treat if she comes too. Christmas seems to be such a big thing and it's a very busy and happy (generally for the most part) time for our family. It's a big holiday for us. Anyway...I hope it all works out. Tanner's speech went fairly well. She had Tanner doing some way harder stuff than he's use to so it was a little frustrating for him. But he did okay. It's things we have been trying to work on already to get him where he should be and a little bit ahead. He has a hard time with "is" and "are" and using them in sentences. So now we have to be A LOT more concencious about saying those words and not using slang like "it's a car" for "it is a car". I think we sometimes get so lazy in our slang and shorten words that it affects the next generation. Not a lot of people talk like that anymore but how else are kids suppose to learn those propositions if they don't hear them. It will take some effort on our part but if it helps, I'll learn to talk "properly" so he learns what he needs to.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'm out for a walk. Yeah!!!!

More things left unsaid...

This seems to be my most popular post for responses so I thought I would write a few more about a few different people. I've had some time to think about some other people.

1. I'm not sure why you treated me the way you did. I am glad that our supposed friendship didn't last through elementary school. My life probably would have gone down a way different path.

2. Every day I think about you and miss you. I know that my life is so much better because of the things you taught me and the experience you gave me. I love you soooooo much.

3. You had the patience to teach me to drive and I am so glad you did. I miss you a lot and I love you so much. Congrats on the new baby

4. It's no secret, at least I don't think it is, that you are my favorite cousin. I am glad that we were such good friends when we were younger. We had too much fun...enough said. I love that we got along so well. I think you are amazing and I am glad we are part of the same family. I love you!

5. I don't know you all that well. We have hung out a few times but I think that you and I have a lot of similar things about us. I hope we can get to know each other better.

6. I hate that you didn't give me a chance to be a better person and that you were so mean to me...weather I deserved it or not. Now that we are adults, I know we see each other in a different light and I'm glad that we could be friends.

7. I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished in your life. I saw that potential in you a long time ago but I wasn't the right person to bring that out. It wasn't the right time or place or situation for the good to come out yet. But I'm glad that it did. I think that you are a wonderful person and I'm so grateful that you were there for me in the most unexpected ways. You were one of the nicest things that happened to me.

8. You have always had a quiet innerstrength that I have always admired and now that I have gotten to know you better, I think that you are even a more greater person that I first knew you were. I love you and I am glad you are part of our family.

9. We have known each other for a long time and I always think about you and worry about you. For a lot of reasons. I just want you to know that I love you and that no matter what happened in High School, it's the past and I know you are a much better person. We have all done things that we regret. But I will be honest and say that it took me a while to get over it. But it's done and over and I'm glad that you are happy.

10. I was sorry to hear that your life has gone down a much different path than I thought it would. I think that people took advantage of your kindness and caring. Me included. I wish things had been different but it's the past and I just hope that you know that I care and that I will be there for you if you ever need it.

Things left unsaid...

It appears this is another popular post to do so I thought I would do it too...because I'm a follower, not a leader...lol

Here's how it works:

…you write a bunch of stuff you’ve never said to certain people and then swear to never tell anyone who each statement goes to.

If you want to know if a certain statement is about you, e-mail me and I'll tell you which one I wrote about you. And like a very smart friend said on her website, if I didn't write anything about you, you should probably feel flattered.

1. I can't believe that I wasted so much time and energy on you. You were a complete waste of my time and I regret every waking, sleeping second I spent thinking about you or talking to you or spending time with you or talking about you or "dreaming" about you. You are a waste of perfectly good air. All you wanted was one thing and I regret ever knowing you. I hope I never see you again.

2. I totally didn't deserve you in my life. I treated you poorly and I took you for granted. I'm sorry that I treated you so badly. I really did care very much for you. And though we have gone our seperate ways, I wish you all the best and I just want to say I'm sorry for how I treated you.

3. I have never liked you. I only tolerate you because you are a friend of someone I love very much. I hate that you are so disrespectful to people especially those around you. And I think that you are greedy.

4. When we first met, I thought you were a little bit of a snob but I thought you were so pretty and I really wanted to get to know you better. Though we aren't super close now, I still consider you my friend and we have had so many fun times together and I really appreciate all that I have learned from you. I hope you know that I still care about you and that I think about you often.

5. I adore you! Words don't even begin to describe how deeply I appreciate you. I think about you on a daily basis and wish that we could hang out more. Thinking about you brings a smile to my face every time I think about you. I am so glad we are friends and I know that will never judge me. I just love you!

6. I am glad we have become friends. Even though we are related we never really were friends but I'm grateful for the friendship we have developed over the last few years. I really really love you and am grateful for you.

7. I love you more than words can say. I always am glad to see you but appreciate you and our relationship more when we have been away from each other for a while. You have taught me so much and I am really glad I get to be yours

8. Okay, let's face it...it takes a lot of effort for us to get along but I am so glad that you are in my life and that it takes so much work to be your friend. I love you regardless of what you do or say or what you think or even what you think of me. We might have a boring relationship if it didn't take effort...lol. I love you.

9. I don't really tell you often enough but I love you. You have been thorough a lot lately and I am glad that you are someone I can laugh with and be honest with. And you know me better than I give you credit for.

10. My life could not go on without you in it. I would literally curl up and die if you weren't there for me. You love me no matter what and you are my bestest friend. I am sure of my relationship/friendship with you. I never doubt you or what you tell me.

11. I think that you are better than you think you are. I think you have so much beauty in you and I hope one day you will see what I see in you.

12. I just think you are so talented and an amazing mother. You are the kind of mother I hope I can be when Tanner get's older. I think you are so wonderful and even though I don't think that you consider me a "friend" we are aqquainted with one another and I am glad that I know you.

13. Even though when we were younger, I always felt judged by you, I have recently come to realized that you and I are a lot more simialr in our feelings and thoughts. I am sorry that we weren't better friends when we were younger. I do love you and I think that you are a wonderful person even though you I know you feel a lot of challenges in your life.

14. You were my first friend when I was a youth and I have always hoped that we would stay in touch because I always thought you were so wonderful and amazing. I don't know if I ever told you that but I wanted you to know that. And I love your name.

15. I misjudged you and I know that our friendship isn't the same. I was a jerk and I'm sorry (even though I've told you that about 100 times) that I mis-judged you. You and I had the best of times when I was pregnant and you were always there for me. You are so sweet and I miss those days when we hung out in front of the t.v. (I was on bed rest people...I wasn't lazy). I hope our friendship will become stronger.

16. I love that we can be ourselves with each other. We go way back...lol and I trust you so much with what I tell you. I love being able to be crazy and silly with you and you with me. Even though we are older, I love that there is still some "sameness" that we have with each other.

17. You are always there when I seem to need some kind of encouragement or words of kindness. I really am glad you are part of my life.

18. I just think you are so fun. I love spending any time with you and I think that you are pretty awesome. You are super talented and knowledgeable and I'm glad we are friends. I love you.

19. I am glad that our young friendship has seen harder days already. I know that it has grown because of more challenging times but 90% of the time it's all about having fun. I think you are so cute and you are very dedicated to what you believe in. You were my rock in many things, even though I'm not sure I told you that. I miss you so much and our talks. You always seemed to be there for me when I really needed it and I am glad that I could depend on you to give me a better perspective of my life and problems.


So that's all that I can think of for now. Some of these are about people who aren't on Facebook but whatever...
I couldn't think of something to write about every single person but for the ones that came to mind as I was doing this.

My Alias.

Bobbi had this on her blog and I thought it was kind of neat.

YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) – Billy Civic

YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav. ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Bubblegum Peanut Butter (so NOT a gangsta name. I would be killed for having that sissy name)

YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) M-Col

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) - Purple Chinchilla

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)- Elaine Drum(heller)

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) – Colma

SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put “The”) The Yellow Water (sounds like pee)

NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)-Don Robert

STRIPPER NAME : ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy) Curious Chocolate

WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Susan Stewart

A little more about me

A friend recently e-mailed this to me and I thought I'd post it.


This is for your entire life:
( ) Smoked a cigarette
( ) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car..but returned it the same night unharmed
(x) Been in love
(x) Been dumped
(x) Been laid off/fired
(x) Quit your job
( ) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of your parent's house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.....
( ) Been arrested
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend but only to protect feelings
(x) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
( )Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins...
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Made a friend cry
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe.....
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you cared about.
(x) Blew bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Gone Ice-skating
(x) Gone Fishing
(x) Gone Toilet Papering
(x ) Gone to a major/national league game
( ) Gone to Europe

Mixed feelings

I have just had the best weekend I have ever had in a very long time. Relaxing, calming, peaceful, fun. First we had to go up to Calgary for speech on Friday. Then Tanner had a much needed haircut. Then we were suppose to go to the zoo and to Calaway Park but it didn't work out, which was fine. We had some errands to do and that gave me time to do them. We went to Once Upon A Child and traded in a bunch of our Videos (hello, Calliou....he is soooooo stinkin' whiney) and I got some Sunday shoes for Tanner. Then we had dinner and then after dinner we visited my friend Erica and her little boy Josh. We had a really good time and Tanner really enjoyed his visit. We stopped in at my sisters and Tanner was so cute over there. They have two cats and Tanner was having a ball playing with them. On Saturday, we drove out to Drumheller. We went to the Hoodoos which I haven't been to since I was a kid. Tanner LOVED them. My Mom told him that they were the mountains that the Dinosaurs played at. Then after we checked into our fancy motel room and had lunch, we headed for the museum. Tanner was pretty nervous. It didn't help that Melany, my sister, told him the night before that the dinosaurs come alive in the museum and eat people. Not impressive. So he ended up being okay. He was nervous a bit but we didn't stay long. Then we headed up to the old family farm. This was a very sad and disappointing thing to see. It has been broken into numerous amounts of times and it is basically destroyed. Because no one lives up there it's easy to break into and do what you want with it. There isn't a window left at all so they've all been boarded up. Then, the kitchen sliding doors have been totally broken so birds live in the roof and in some of the rooms upstairs. It's very sad. People have stolen EVERYTHING out of there. They've stolen the stove, the bathtub, the sink, the kitchen cupboards, and they have started to pull the wood off the walls. It was not a pretty site. I went upstairs (I know, it was brave of me seeing as there are birds flying around up there in pitch dark) and got some pictures of the rooms up there. I just wanted to cry after being there. I don't understand why people could do something so horrible as they have done to the farm house. It makes it clearer to me that something needs to be done with the land the farm is sitting on. It just gets worse and worse. I just kept thinking about all the time we spent up there as kids and how fun it was to be there. Anyways, that's enough about that.
Tanner has qualified to be in this program called program unit funding (PUF) and he had his first day at school there. We can still keep him in the parented preschool he's in but this is an additional thing. It's 4 days a week and every Wednesday they go swimming in Lethbridge. Monday is music and story time, Tuesday is gymnastics, and Thursday is speech. I have some mixed feeling about it. We were originally in with the 4 year old PUF kids but then we got put in the 3 year olds (which he should be in, and is in now) but the 3 year olds have a lot of low functioning children and I am worried that it will disrupt Tanners progress that he's making and I worry that he will fall behind. Most of the children don't really even talk. Tanner just seems so old in that class. Yet, I don't want him to miss out on the opportunities that he has with this program. I guess we will take it one day at a time. I think the more opportunities he's given the better he will progress. It's not that it even bothers me that he's in a "special needs" group, it's just that he has made a lot of progress this last year and I really don't want him to fall back. I know he needs a little extra help and I'm happy to be in a place where he can recieve it, I just have concerns, that's all. I guess that's natural. I didn't feel at all concerned about the parented pre-school he is in. I know how it works and I know he feels safe there. I'm not sure why the mild uneasiness. Anyway, I'm sure it will be fine once we get into the groove of things. I think that's it for now.

Could it be any more perfect.

This weekend, we had an amazing, wonderful, splendid weekend. We had to go up to Calgary for Tanner's speech therapy on Friday and we had a great day. My Aunt came with us and Tanner had a much needed haircut after the appointment. Tanner's speech therapist said that by 4 years of age he should be talking like an adult and that he should be understood by 75% of the people that meet him. The adult thing, I don't really agree on but hey, what do I know...I'm just Tanner's mother, not a trained speech therapist.