Can someone please....

Can someone please explain this to me because I feel so confused about it. Why is it important to have a house of your own? Here's my "rant". I know that we have been told to work towards home ownership, but why? If we can never afford a house will that make us bad people or will that deny us things in the after life? My thoughts right now are that why would I get myself into a mortgage that might take years and years to pay off. I believe that having a mortgage is an allowable debt but what if we don't want to buy a house? What if we want to just rent for the rest of our lives? Is that bad? Are we bad for having that attitude? We are so close to being out of debt right now that I just don't see why we would get ourselves into a mortgage. To me, that's more debt that we will have to pay off. It's really frustrating for me right now. I am perfectly happy to rent but then other day's, I wish we had our own place. But for what? What is the purpose to owning your own home? Do I not get the same things out of renting? I have a garden of my own, we do our own yard work, we can beautify our place how we like. Isn't that the same as having your own place?

On another note, I had a very busy day making bread and buns and cinnamon rolls. I am feeling quite tired. It's good to work and do things like making bread and all that fun stuff. I love homemade bread. It's sooooo yummy.

Okay, well, I don't think that I have anything else to write. I think that's it for now.


***SO for those of you that responded, please click on my "comments" I have another question for you.

HALLOWEEN TAG!

I've been tagged! Halloween tagged, that is. So here goes:

P.S. Sorry I don't have cool pictures. I am scannerless...but Christmas is coming...hint hint!!

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN COSTUME AS A CHILD?

I've gone as many things. Clowns, dice, a baby, a pioneer, grapes...but I have to say that by far, my favorite was the dice. It was so cool!

WHAT WAS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE COSTUME AS A CHILD?

I don't really have a least favorite. I think maybe being a pioneer because no one knew what I was.

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN CANDY AS A KID? IS IT STILL YOUR FAVORITE?

I would have to say that Caramilk is my favorite and is still among my top 5 (my other 4 are reccess pieces, coffee crisp, oh henry and dairy milk)

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STOPPED TRICK-OR-TREATING? DO YOU MISS IT?

I believe that after grade 9 we weren't allowed to go. Well, not only that but we didn't get candy because everyone knew how old we were. We did get to dress up for school day on Halloween.

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

Ummmm...I was terrified after watching "Watcher in the Woods" when I was 12 at a Y.W. sleep over. But my latest scariest movie would probably be White Noise.

HAVE YOU EVER DRESSED UP IN MATCHING COSTUMES? WHAT WERE THEY?

I was a baby with Malauney and then in high school with Teisha. We were so cute! I can't count the number of times I dressed up as a baby. It's totally easy. Oh! And my sisters all went as clowns when we were younger. It was very cute.

So, now I tag Bobbi-Jo, Juliette, Tara, and Tiffany.

I am woman, hear me roar!

We had a pretty perfect day today. When I woke up today my plan was to get caught up with my reading (I seriously need to read about 8 more chapters) and started doing that when things changed a bit. We have a huge problem with loss of heat in our place. Being at least 28 years old with original everything, including windows, can cause a little difficulty sometimes. So my Mom bought us that shrink wrap you put on the windows to retain the heat. I decided since Matt didn't/wasn't working today (HOORAY HOORAY!!!!!), I'd get him to help me do that plus some other things around the house today. You can't even tell that the shrink wrap is on there it is so awesome! We took our time and made sure it was just right. It has already made a bit of difference. It doesn't help that our door doesn't hang properly and there is a 1/2 inch gap at the top that air comes through. I wanted to shrink wrap the door and just use the back door but Matt said he didn't think that it was a good idea. He might be surprised when he comes home this week if it gets colder and has to use the back door. I just want to be warm! I like the cold, but come on, seriously, cold air intentionally being blown into your house...no thank you!

Then I rearranged my room while cleaning the house from top to bottom. I love rearranging. It makes things fresh without money. I am avid about where I sleep in terms of what side of the bed and now that I rearranged the room, I have decided I am going against the grain. I ALWAYS sleep closest to the door. If we move the bed and my previous position on the bed makes me further away from the door, Matt and I switch sides. I don't know what it is. I think mentally I need to be closest to the door so it's easy access in case of an emergency and now more so closer to easy access to Tanner. We'll see how tonight goes. There aren't very many ways I can rearrange our room so hopefully I like this for a while.

We have been here for almost a year and it's amazing to realize that we have been gone for that long. It seems like we have been gone for less time. I'm sure it's different for my family. It probably seems like an eternity to them but for us, it doesn't. I know my family misses Tanner a lot. They probably don't miss me quite as much but that's fine by me. Once I had Tanner, I wasn't as important...ha ha ha (rolling my eyes).

We have always claimed that my Mom has favorites, which I know in my heart she doesn't, and when I had Tanner I went from #4 to #1 for a while and now I'm at #2. It's only because of Tanner. It has nothing to do with me or me doing something amazing for my Mom or giving her a million dollars. It's because I had the first grandchild/nephew. I know because I was such a problem teenager, I was #4 until I had Tanner. Well at least according to my sisters. I think it's totally silly to say that Mom has favorites. I don't know what it's like to love more than just one but hopefully one day I will. I do believe that you love all your differently. There's no way you can love your children all the same. It just doesn't seem realistic. I have been told from people with multiple children (that would actually be every person I know except me and my new friend "S") that they worried when they were pregnant with their second that they wouldn't be able to love the second one as much as the first. But then when they had the second one, they just did. I don't completely get it but I have the faith that it just happens. It's just like trying to explain how you feel about your first child to someone when they haven't experienced it. It's something you can't truly explain. There's not words adequate enough to express that.

I, personally, didn't bond instantly with Tanner when he was born. That's how they portray it in movies and I have had friends that had that experience, but not me. It was kind of...I don't really know how to explain it. It wasn't until I had gone to the NICU after everyone had left and I was holding him and talking to him and he looked up at me and smiled. Yes, he smiled. It wasn't even a grin but a smile. That's when I felt that bond instantly. It wasn't because of him smiling at me that we bonded but what I asked him just before and the response was the smile. It was a moment I will forever treasure. It makes me smile just to think of it : )
I guess as they say, the rest is history.

So back to my day...
After we put the shrink wrap on, and rearranged, and cleaned, I went back to catching up for about half an hour before Matt asked if I was going to make bread. I was planning on doing it on Monday but then I decided we needed it for tomorrow. Well, I discovered that I didn't have yeast. So we scratched that plan and made cookies. Chewy oatmeal. Plus we added some chocolate chips into them. Then as we were finishing baking the cookies, we made a yummy spaghetti dinner. We cooked up some mushrooms and fresh onions and added them to the sauce and it was sooooooo yummy! Then after we had supper, we played and sang on our mini karaoke machine that Matt's friend gave us. Tanner and I sang Primary songs for about an hour until I had gone through all the songs I knew. Which surprising enough were about half, if not a little more. Tanner enjoyed it and so did I. It makes me realize....okay not realize, but reinforces my knowledge about how important it is to teach Tanner correct principles and help him to do the best he can. And not only help him, but to be a good example myself. If I do or don't do something that I don't or do want Tanner to do or say, I should be modelling that behavior for him. If I don't want him to say shut up or other negative words (which we are very careful about saying. It's really takes a lot of effort not to say those words sometimes...like stupid or dumb) Matt and I have to be the example and watch what we say. I am very much more aware of those kinds of things in movies now, too. I am shocked at how many movies, even Disney, use words like that. I know it takes a lot of effort and I am not perfect at it, but I know we are so much better at it than even a year ago. It helps us to control our words and it has really opened our eyes at how much we use to say those words. Not that they are swear words, but we just feel like we should try to use better, more positive words in our home. Tanner will actually say "That's not a nice word" if he hears someone else say it or hears it on a movie. So I guess that's a good sign.

The other think that I have thought about is how much of a chore it use to be to read the scriptures. I didn't understand it and it was really hard to follow the story line. I guess that's not true about understanding it as a whole. I just didn't understand the story lines and that bugs me sometimes. I like to be able to read something and know what has happened before that and what got that person/prophet to a particular place and who was before them. I have this great study guide that has really helped my out a lot. Plus I write A LOT of notes and questions and quotations in the margins to get me thinking and to remember the story line. The last few days, I have actually felt like I was reading a novel because I was understanding what was going on. I understand the principles, well a lot of them, not every single one, that is talked about but I was frustrated at the story line. I am grateful that I am able to understand it better now. I already have decided that next year when I read it, I am going to mark it up. I'm going to color code all the verses with what they are talking about or teaching. I have this great book called "Color coding your scriptures" and it's so great! I started to do the color coding but then I got too into what was going on. So next year, that's what I'm going to do. I'm kind of excited.

Well, I think that's it for now. OH WAIT! There's a few of us that are having a Halloween party next week and I am soooo excited for that! There will be super good food and even better friends/company to be with. I love parties! Especially ones that you can bring your kids to. I do have to admit that it's nice to have an adult night out sometimes, or even a girls night. But I think kids parties are so much fun! I love watching kids' reaction to things and them getting excited over little things. Plus I love kids food. The little bite size portions and the fun finger food they always have. It's like being a kid again, yourself. I miss being a kid sometimes. Anyways, I do believe that's it for now. Until next time, fare thee well my friends!

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you you check out my blog and comment on my posts. I really appreciate everyone taking time to look at my blog. It's nice to know that the writing isn't in vain.

What's in a name?

I really should be either going to bed or reading my scriptures right now but I have had this thinking evening while Tanner napped that I knew I didn't want to forget.
I was thinking about names. Specifically a persons last given name and what it means. What does a person's last name mean to them? I feel that it is a really important thing about who a person is. When you're younger, I don't think that a lot of us understand or think about our last name. It's just a name...right? Wrong! Your last name has a lot to do with, weather you want to believe it or not, what other people think of you or treat you. Like if you were a Hilton, you could be expected to be treated in such a way because of your money. For me, it's about having a good, honorable, honest, faithful upbringing. People who know my family expect or hope that because my Dad and brother's and their parents made a name for themselves by being a certain type/kind of people, the offspring of that name will be similar. If my Dad, or let's say even us as children, were rebellious and proud and did bad things then we wouldn't have a very good reputation. And if you want other's to look at you or hear a certain name, you hope they think or say good things about you and your family. I, personally, didn't understand it why I felt expected to uphold a certain reputation when I was a child or especially a teenager. But now I do. Here I am, 20 years later and I get it. Sometimes things like that just click or it's like a lightswitch went on. I love when that happens. I hope I am making sense in what I am posting about. Sometimes you do feel like you are being watched or judged but at least you know that people care enough about weather or not you do good things. It is sometimes hard to feel like your life is like living like a fish in a glass bowl. But on the flip side, people want to know who they can trust. I feel bad for the way that I acted as a teenager because I know that it didn't bring honor or truth to my family's name. I want to be able to live a life so that people hear my name and they know that I am honest and trustworthy. It's the same with being children of the Lord. We should be living a life so that we are not disgracing His name. We need to be living with honor and dignity and honesty and everything that goes along with those qualities.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that out there. Night time is when I do my most thinking and then when I go to write about it the next day, I forget what it was that I wanted to write about. So, I think that's it for now.

Here I am...emotionally naked?

So here I am, totally emotionally naked confessing my feelings on babies and having more kids. For the last little I have been telling Matt that I don't want any more kids. He thought I was totally kidding around and finally I told him about 2 weeks ago that I was totally serious about not wanting more kids. No more naturally, no more trying fertility drugs or other medical intervention, no adopting...nothing. I was done. So there's the operative word....WAS. Here are my feelings of inability, inadequacy, whatever you want to call it. At first, I felt like it would be too hard because Tanner is almost 4 (on November 21st) and I felt like that was too big of an age gap between children. I wasn't sure I would feel capable of having a newborn with an independent child. Then, in addition to the fore-mentioned, I felt like I wouldn't be a good mother to 2 or more children. Then I realized, deep down, it was because I am/was afraid. Terrified, actually...of being inadequate enough to raise another child. Afraid of not having the support I've had with Tanner. Afraid of losing a baby before it was born (which, I still am terrified about.) Afraid of so many things. I know this may sound boastful or prideful, but it's not meant to be...but I think I'm a pretty good mother to Tanner. I do doubt that ability sometimes but just when I do, my family and friends tell me what an amazing job they think I'm doing and what a great, not just good, mother I am. I guess for me, having Tanner has made me into the mother I have hoped to be. Minus the bad days...lol. But I am/was essentially afraid of not being a good mother to another child. Then, yesterday in R.S. at church, the lesson was on strengthening families and the teacher was talking about how families are still considered families even if they only have 1 child. First, the thought has never occurred to me that a couple with 1 child wouldn't be considered a family. Then I felt impressed that the reason I've had all this doubt is because I needed to pray and have my heart softened and open my heart to the ability to have the faith that I can love another child. I never wanted to be one of those people that didn't really want children and then got pregnant and resented it and then felt it was such a huge chore and task and job, not an honor, to have a child. I don't understand those kind of people. I don't think less of them in any way, I just don't understand that type of attitude. Maybe if those people wanted children so badly and couldn't get pregnant easily or lost a baby or 2 (no the latter does not apply to me) then maybe they could appreciate the joy and honor it is to have such a miracle happen in their life. I just needed to let the Lord know that I was okay with having another baby and I'm not sure why I felt it now. I've been really stuck in this "I'm not having more babies" thing that it's possibly blinded me from things I could have gotten over earlier.

Getting off the baby thing, today I had my first meeting with Tanner's teachers at school about his progress. It turns out that he doesn't technically qualify for the PUF program but they want to keep him in it as an early intervention. They will continue with the funding and keep him in the school, which is great news. I honestly didn't think that he would qualify and when he did, it took me by surprise. At first, I didn't think that I would want him in it, but then I realized that I can't do everything for him because I don't have all the tools in the world to get him where he needs to be. So I told them that and I cried a little (because I am a cry baby when it comes to Tanner and expressing my feelings about him) and they said they were more than happy to keep him there. That he was a happy, pleasant, energetic boy. That he was good and they really enjoyed him being in the class. I was so relieved because I was a little worried that he wouldn't adjust to the change as well as he did. So I am relieved to hear that all has been going well.

On yet another note, I sent out Tanner's invitations for his party. I have, reluctantly, invited all of Matt's family in addition to the regular people that have been there the past 3 years. In years past, Matt and I decided that it would just be my family and Matt's Dad and his wife and Matt's Mom. We didn't have the room for all of his family and plus Tanner didn't care, so why should we. But this year, I have softened up a bit and decided it will probably be nice to have whoever can come, come. We won't be up for Christmas so this will be a good chance to see him before next summer when, in all likelihood, it will be the next time all of Matt's family is together. We still haven't decided if we are going to do a friends birthday party but we have a couple of weeks to decide that. I have to admit that I am getting a little excited at doing a bigger one this year. So we'll see how it goes.

I was looking at Christmas dinner ideas in a cookbook for this Christmas. I am even more excited for Christmas this year. I think because this year is going to be so unpredictable, it excites me for some reason. Normally, I am a very organized, need to know who, when's, where's etc, but this year, I am looking forward to the unpredictability. Well, at least for today. I will most likely change my mind closer to Christmas but right now, I am pretty excited.

Well, Tanner needs me to build his train tracks so I better go and stop neglecting my son...lol.

Thinking

So I was thinking today about why we are here where we are in life and all the things that have gotten us here. What it ultimately comes down to is being happy about the choices that are in front of you and the goals that you set. I think some people doubt or question why we are here or if we are really happy. Those of you who know me and my family know that despite normal family challenges and trials, are generally very close. I would even say very close at points. But we have been brought up and raised to be kind and considerate and loving and friendly to not just those around us but each other. Our family has been through many MANY trials and challenges and heartbreaks. Losses, marriages, babies, among other things. But all in all, we are friends (with effort from some) and we love each other and would do just about anything for each other. Even though we all have different opinions on some things and the same on other, ultimately it's about being a forever family that counts and that's what really matters to all of us. So why then, would Matt and I "uproot" our own family and move 2 and a half hours away from the people we claim (and actually do) love more than anything? How could we bear to be away from them and not see them as often? It's easy for me because for so long Matt and I have wanted to move to a small town to raise our child(ren). We never wanted to stay in the city forever and my family knew that. I believe that there was A LOT of doubt about us ever moving away or this far away at first but we kept talking about it and it finally happend. I prayed about it and it wasn't more than a week later, we found a place in Raymond because we had to move out of the place we were currently residing in. I am literally living mine and Matt's dream. It happened a lot sooner than we planned, but we could not be happier about the decision to move here. It certainly hasn't come without it's own challenges but in the eternal perspective, this is so worth it. And I keep saying this and I'll keep on saying it, we are so happy down here. It is the best decision we have made for us. I have not, for one moment wished that we didn't live here. I love visiting Calgary to see my family and friends, but you could not pay me enough to move back up there. Even Lethbridge. I want to live in a small town, not a small city. I say the same thing about the U.S. There is no way I would ever live down there. There is not enough money in this entire world that would make me change my mind. It's nice to visit, but I would not ever live down there. When Hell freezes over, then I would live there. There would be no way we could afford medical coverage for us and Tanner, plus it's too crazy there.
I love living here and I love that I get to stay home with Tanner. That's so important to Matt and I. I feel for those of you who have to leave their children in the care of others. I can't imagine leaving Tanner to be raised by someone else. I understand that for some, it's the only way to make ends meet. I get that. I don't need a bunch of back lash because people don't think I get that. I do! I think that it's selfish of people who leave their kids in the care of others because they want the money or they don't want the responsibility of raising their own kids full time.
I had a lady I worked for years ago before I was married that lived like this and it really bothered me. I was basically a mother's helper so she could nap when she wanted (she had a newborn) and go to yoga or power walks. I cooked, cleaned, picked up her kids and dropped them off at school, groccery shopped for her. I just don't get people like that. It seems like having money is more important than being the best parent you can be. We all have bad days, I know that. But to resent that you have to be responsible for doing these kinds of things because you can't do what you want, when you want is totally unreasonable to me.
I worked after I had Tanner but I was so imensley blessed to be able to take Tanner with me. I was so fortunate and lucky. Not everyone has that. I wish more people did.
Anyway, I was just thinking about how blessed Matt and I are to be where we want to be and have such wonderful people in our lives.
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I have to go. I get to have supper with Tanner AND Matt because he's home today. Yea!!!

In the middle

This morning for Tanner's PUF pre-school, we finally were able to go swimming. It was so much fun! We went to the Uof L pool and it was so nice. A little colder than what Tanner likes but the pool itself was so fun. It was the size of the Village Square Leisure Center shallow end in the main pool. Except it has the same level of water from one end to the other. It was really nice.
I've been busy trying to get back into a somewhat regular routine. It was hard last week because it was Tanner's first week at PUF pre-school. And now this week because of the long weekend has been a bit hard too. At least I got my 6 loads of laundry done. That's always such a big chore. I actually really enjoy doing laundry but it does consume more time than most other chores because it's a wait and move chore. It's not like mopping or sweeping where you just do it and it's done. You have to do the laundry, move it to the dryer (or in my case, I hang all my clothes except towels to air dry) and then fold and put them away. Anyway, tomorrow will be sweeping and mopping while Tanner isn't here.
I am a little sore today from my hour walk with my friend last night. It was a great walk but I wasn't use to it because it's been so long. I hope I can get on the wagon and be able to exercise more regularly.
I also sorted through some of Tanner's things today. It's an ongoing project to put away and bring out the new size or season's clothes. I am so glad that we have a shed to store all our things in. It's pretty full and I organized that in the spring. I should be more like my mother and write down all the projects I need to get done. I have to work on my Mom's Christmas gift. I am really looking forward to it and working on it. The weather has been much nicer here today than it has been.
I love the fall! I love the smell of the air and the leaves changing color and everything about it. I love the smells of all the yummy food that goes along with fall. Like apple crisp and pumpkin pie. It's one of the best times of the year.
Well, I think that's it for now. Until next time...

Things I'm grateful for

So I was thinking about all the things I'm grateful for while driving home from Calgary today. These are the top 10. There are too many things to list.

1. My health. I have not been super sick ever and that's a good thing.

2. Affordable health care. This is especially important since we have had Tanner

3. Knowledge

4. A home

6. Family and Friends

7. The gospel and all it encompasses

8. The scriptures

9. A free country

10. The Savior

These are in no order of importance but the top 10 most important.

We have come back from a wonderful trip from Calgary. We had such a good time. It was fun, restful, revealing, relaxing, enjoyable and filling.
I don't feel like I have that much to say so this is just a short one. We were able to take a bunch of family pictures and they turned out reasonably well. We haven't all been together since April when we were up for my birthday. So it's been a while. It was nice. It didn't come without some frustration and tears but it worked out in the end. Now we will probably have to wait until the spring to go up all together again. We are 100 % sure that we are having Christmas down here. We aren't able to afford to go up more than once a month and Tanner has 3 appointments 1 week before Christmas so we'll already be up for that and we can't stay because I have to teach in Church that Sunday. So cross my fingers, hopefully the weather stays decent so that my family can and will come down to us. If it's bad weather, they won't come. My Mom doesn't like driving in any questionable weather. She had a really bad experience when we were younger so it makes her very nervous to be onthe roads with any type of weather incriments. It's nice to be able to have my family come down. It will be a new adventure. If my sister comes, I will be very suprised. She is very much about tradition and going to the nativity paegent on Christmas Eve is tradition so I know it will probably be very difficult for her if she gives that up this year. My other married sister and her husband is going up to his family so they won't be with us this year. And I hope my little sister can come. She said she works but I don't know when. She has never been down here since we moved so it will be a nice treat if she comes too. Christmas seems to be such a big thing and it's a very busy and happy (generally for the most part) time for our family. It's a big holiday for us. Anyway...I hope it all works out. Tanner's speech went fairly well. She had Tanner doing some way harder stuff than he's use to so it was a little frustrating for him. But he did okay. It's things we have been trying to work on already to get him where he should be and a little bit ahead. He has a hard time with "is" and "are" and using them in sentences. So now we have to be A LOT more concencious about saying those words and not using slang like "it's a car" for "it is a car". I think we sometimes get so lazy in our slang and shorten words that it affects the next generation. Not a lot of people talk like that anymore but how else are kids suppose to learn those propositions if they don't hear them. It will take some effort on our part but if it helps, I'll learn to talk "properly" so he learns what he needs to.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'm out for a walk. Yeah!!!!

More things left unsaid...

This seems to be my most popular post for responses so I thought I would write a few more about a few different people. I've had some time to think about some other people.

1. I'm not sure why you treated me the way you did. I am glad that our supposed friendship didn't last through elementary school. My life probably would have gone down a way different path.

2. Every day I think about you and miss you. I know that my life is so much better because of the things you taught me and the experience you gave me. I love you soooooo much.

3. You had the patience to teach me to drive and I am so glad you did. I miss you a lot and I love you so much. Congrats on the new baby

4. It's no secret, at least I don't think it is, that you are my favorite cousin. I am glad that we were such good friends when we were younger. We had too much fun...enough said. I love that we got along so well. I think you are amazing and I am glad we are part of the same family. I love you!

5. I don't know you all that well. We have hung out a few times but I think that you and I have a lot of similar things about us. I hope we can get to know each other better.

6. I hate that you didn't give me a chance to be a better person and that you were so mean to me...weather I deserved it or not. Now that we are adults, I know we see each other in a different light and I'm glad that we could be friends.

7. I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished in your life. I saw that potential in you a long time ago but I wasn't the right person to bring that out. It wasn't the right time or place or situation for the good to come out yet. But I'm glad that it did. I think that you are a wonderful person and I'm so grateful that you were there for me in the most unexpected ways. You were one of the nicest things that happened to me.

8. You have always had a quiet innerstrength that I have always admired and now that I have gotten to know you better, I think that you are even a more greater person that I first knew you were. I love you and I am glad you are part of our family.

9. We have known each other for a long time and I always think about you and worry about you. For a lot of reasons. I just want you to know that I love you and that no matter what happened in High School, it's the past and I know you are a much better person. We have all done things that we regret. But I will be honest and say that it took me a while to get over it. But it's done and over and I'm glad that you are happy.

10. I was sorry to hear that your life has gone down a much different path than I thought it would. I think that people took advantage of your kindness and caring. Me included. I wish things had been different but it's the past and I just hope that you know that I care and that I will be there for you if you ever need it.